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Nov 4th, 2009
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his is going to sound absolutely terrible and i'm shaking as i'm typing this...but I just don't know who to turn to. I really just need to talk to someone..
I got engaged very, very young. I was only 17 and he just turned 17. My family moved so I stayed with my fiance. We had been dating for almost 2 years.
The first year was flawless, but it was new, so of course it was easy. The second year was a different story. We fought every single day. Literally every day. Now I was only 17, fighting to keep an engagement together with a boy that did not care one bit if i was around or not. He was so bad to me, never ever physically, but verbally. He literally broke me down and made me feel worthless.
And then I met someone. He was older than me, and a really great guy. We spent time together and got really close. Two days before my the 2 year anniversary of me and my fiance, I cheated on him. I am not the person to ever do such a thing..ever. I had something in my past where my mother did that to my father, and I swore to my fiance i'd never do the same....but i did. I felt so horrible. But I didn't at the same time. I felt like I deserved to be happy. I hadnt been looked at the way he looked at me in a long time, and I couldnt help but feel as though I had a right to feel loved.
Now you think that's bad...thats not even half of it..
Me and my fiance broke up. He never found out that I cheated on him, but he did suspect it. The day after we broke up a friend of his saw me kiss the other guy and of course reported it back to my ex fiance.
I am still seeing the other guy, we have currently been dating for over a year, and we are living together. I am SO happy with him, and although we have our differences, I am sure of us.
This is where I need someone to talk to..
I don't know if there has been a day to go by that I havent thought about my ex. I dont know if its because I need closure, or if i miss him. We ended on such a bad note. Literally kicked me out with nowhere to go. My family lived far away, and I had nothing and no one. After a few months I tried contacting him by letter. He never called..he never made an attempt at anything..and I felt worthless.
I have seen he still has pictures of us together hidden on a webpage. And I dont know what to think of that.
I think of him all of the time, and all I need is to know that he has no feelings left for me.
We were both so young, and we havent been together for a while. But i cant help but look at his picture and remember his voice. I don't think i have ever felt so empty and so lost in my life..
I feel like such a bad person. Because I have this great guy that i am living with who treats me so well. And here I am typing about another.. :/
Help please :[
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  | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 2:45PM It sounds like you didn't give yourself the chance to grieve the lose of your first relationship before you were in the next one. When something like that ends, especially when there was an idea of a future tied to it, you have to take the time to get over it. If possible, take some time by yourself to think about all the expectations you had, all the things you'll miss, all the things you're happy to be rid of, reflect on your part in the demise of your past relationship, and find your lessons from it all. There's no point in passing judgment of what you did, whether it was right or wrong, etc. But, you probably still need to get over the first relationship before you are able to be fully vested in your current one. +2 nods   |
 | Posted Nov 4th, 2009 at 6:18PM think of what this ex did to you.when you were with him.do you want to go back to that.i think not.you are now with the good boy.so say goodbye to your ex bad boy.you remember your first love.but that is all.you can not love the way your ex treated you.you are happy now.so you do not need to feel sorry. |
 | Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 2:40PM I was 17 and in a similar situation. Verbal abuse is not acceptable. If you make excuses for him and glorify that demeaning situation you may end up in a lot of trouble! It's one of the warning signs of worse things to come so please don't look back. You deserve so much better! Whether this new love lasts or not you must take care of yourself, make yourself a priority and bring joy into your own life. Be responsible for keeping yourself safe! I allowed disrespect and 'he' hurt me so bad you don't want to imagine it. It escalated as it almost always does and he soon beat me frequently, did with me what and when he wanted. [can not describe]. Stopped me from continuing education and seeing friends/ family. Caused many injuries. Not just bruises, internal injuries, dislocated jaw... I got pregnant. I LOVED MY BABY AND HE KILLED IT when he punched me in the face and kicked me repeatedly whilst I lay on the ground. My baby is dead because I didn't get out in time. I think about my baby every day but disassociate and the abuse happened to one of my alters (other selves) now. I only get flashbacks. Horrible short films in my head. You probably think 'she's crazy'.... I don't care! I just don't want it to happen to you [or anyone else] and see so much of that ancient self of mine in your story. Familiarize yourself with the signs of domestic violence please? You might be surprised just how abusive he actually was/is if you do a checklist for example. And TELL! doesn't really matter who, just NEVER EVER STAY SILENT! Wishing you only all the best! And that you don't think 'that would not have happened to me' !!!!!!!!!!! HUGS +2 nods |
| Posted Nov 5th, 2009 at 6:43PM i like your story.enthusiasm, not for the horror you have gone though.but this age group will learn from your comment,this happens so many times,get ride of the bad boy always there is so many good boys out there. |
| Posted Nov 6th, 2009 at 8:41AM It was difficult sharing that part of myself so I thank you for interpreting it correctly as what I wrote was well intentioned but very personal. I liked what you wrote too! Nice guys are out there and a far better option. Bad guys steal self esteem because under their false bravado they have none. Actually they themselves are pathetic and weak. Bullies who don't deserve a second glance! It takes time to shake those insults off, clear your head and realize your strength, independence etc. [all those positive qualities unique to you]. Sometimes one needs space to do that. And support which is out there [though one may need to be discerning in this regard too since professionals and their methods vary.] It took me a long time before I got counseling but it's well worth it! Not a walk in the park or picnic [both highly recommended] but vital to my wellness. So wish I was more open-minded regarding this earlier on! Some alternative therapists are super helpful [kinesiologists for eg.] as they really can help restore the energy 'he' took and build a better picture of oneself for oneself [amongst other things] and privacy is guaranteed unless you are hurting yourself or are about to. For those who do cut, help is out there! But instead of saying "I cut" try this: "I used to cut and never ever want to do it again". Then and immediately ask about strategies should you get tempted! This is acceptable and won't get you hospitalized unnecessarily. [This is for when you've sorta got this and stuff in general under control ONLY. If not than you need be brutally honest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] ps: regarding the previous point what I've found most helpful in terms of hanging in there was a saying regarding not resorting to "a permanent solution to temporary problems" [not my idea, there was an initiative ...] I always think of that if at all tempted and the feeling goes away within minutes. Logic prevails. Thinking of something you are grateful for [not related to your partner or dependent on anyone else] is a good way to start the day. Beaches, flowers, favorite music, climbing a tree, riding a motorbike [good goal?], goldfish etc........... Doesn't matter what. I try to do something that brings me joy EVERY single day! warm shower. different kinda tea. smelling grass/ cinnamon/roses [lol], cooking simple yummy anything , watching cartoons or a funny tv show............... whatever. It helps make me feel good, is usually free and wards off loneliness. smiles |
| Posted Nov 6th, 2009 at 9:57AM so you do not need the blog now as you have done this well done. |
 | Posted Nov 9th, 2009 at 7:42PM Thank you all for your comments. wScars....you are completely right. I was not even close to giving myself enough time to move on. I literally went from one major situation to another, and that completely threw me off, mentally and emotionally. It has been quite some time, and I still feel that I need my alone stage. I'm hoping I can work through this. The guy I am with now knows that I still have these feelings of guilt toward my ex, and even that I still had feelings for him for some time. He fully supports me and has never pushed me to move on faster than what I need. Thank you for your comment, I definitely hope I can move forward. danielm85948...I know that the way he spoke to me was wrong. While I was with him, all I could think of were all of the bad things he had done to me, and I forgot all about any good things. But now that we are not together, I feel as though I concentrate more on the few good things rather than the very important bad things. Complete opposite!!! But yes I do need to remember that he was not good for me. I really believe I have gotten so much more confident after being away from him, all he did was bring me down. Thank you for your comment! enthusiasm....I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are a very strong person, I am so happy you had the courage to share your story! Getting away from someone who is violent or abusive in any way is extremely important..I just keep looking forward and not even give him a second thought. Your story touched me so much, spreading the awareness of domestic violence is very important! Thank you for your story and take care!!! |
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