Lost

It all started when I was thirteen years old. My parents had gotten a divorce three years prior, and I was living with my dad. My father was a recovering Alcoholic who abused my sister and I physically and psychologically on a frequent basis. He threatened us by saying that if we ever went to live with our mother, then he would kill her. So out of fear, we stayed with him and kept our abuse a secret and never told our mother about him ever hurting us. My grades in Junior High began to slip. I felt anxious and depressed, and I was having trouble focusing in school. On the last semester of school just before summer, I brought home a report card, which had a C grade on it for Math. I knew my father would be furious. He had high expectations for both my sister and I.

When he saw my report card, he hit me repeatedly with his fist. Later, bruises and lumps formed on my head. He then took all of my personal belongings out of my room, including my sheets and pillows off of my mattress, and locked me in my room for the summer. He told me I was a loser and that I'd always be a loser. I was sorrowful and helpless for about a month while locked up in that room. I decided to make a vow to myself. I was going to prove him wrong about me. I was going to be a winner. I was going to get good grades, get a scholarship to go to college, get my own job, get my own car, and buy my own clothes and food with no help from him. I would not rest until I became the successful man that he said I'd never be.

After that dreadful summer, and as the years rolled on, I kept that vow to myself. I started bringing home A's in my Geometry and Algebra classes, I started getting summer jobs and Sub Shops and Gas Stations. I started saving up money for all my hard work. Soon I had enough money to buy my own car. I had gotten a good paying job too, no more low end gas station jobs.  I got notice that I'd received a full ride scholarship because of my good grades. My father did something I didn't like though. He went out and bought a used car in his name, then told me it was mine. I hadn't had a say in what car I wanted. Regardless of that fact though, I paid him the money out of my account for it and all of a sudden I had completely accomplished all of my goals. My life at home was chaotic yes, but my life outside of home was perfect. I even met my best friend even though our father wouldn't let us have friends, I kept it a secret.

Things were going great outside of the home, It was almost as if I was living two lives. I was seventeen, and almost ready to be free. Outside of my home and away from my father, life was in order. Inside the home however, was chaos. My father started taking prescription drugs in place of Alcohol, and soon in began to effect him. He started having hallucinations and became more enraged than usual. The verbal and physical abuse became worse. One day, he began hitting my sister so hard on the back of the head that it looked like her neck was going to snap, or that she was going to get whiplash. I had to do something, I had always been afraid in the past to stand up to my father, even though it was agony watching him hurt her. It hurt me worse when he hit her, than when he hit me. I wished it was me every time he hurt her. I had had enough though. I felt an overwhelming Love for my sister, that had melted away the terror I had of my father who was twice my size and who was twice as strong. I yelled at him to stop hitting her. I stood up to him. I defied him. The courage had finally come.

He came after me though, and after knocking me around, I escaped him narrowly and ran for my life, but not before I made sure my sister had got out safely, she was twenty and had a car of her own, and she drove to a friends house. I had nowhere to go though. My mother lived out of state, and I'd always been really close to her regardless of my father keeping us away from each other. She was having a rough time financially though, and was living with my uncle. She was on unemployment and food stamps. I called her and told her what happened, praying that she'd let me come stay with her. I'd be safe from my father out of state. She was shocked at what had been happening all of those years, but begged me to come and live with her, saying that it would be hard but we'd somehow make it work. My grandparents bought a plane ticket for me and I went to the airport, leaving Reno behind on the flight to Phoenix. My freedom came at a price though. I lost everything. I could not get my car back because my father was the legal owner...my precious car was gone...so was my scholarship, my job, my money, and all of my personal belongings. It had happened so fast. I had moved out of state, which made me ineligible for the scholarship that I'd worked so hard for. All was lost.

I started blaming myself even though I knew I made the right choice in getting out of there. The only safe place I could think to go was my mothers. I had no money to do anything else, and my grandparents had bought the ticket for me. I thought about going to the cops, but my father had always told us if we did, he would kill us or our mother, I had believed him...he was a monster.

I started my new life with my mother. She got a job and was supporting me, but I was falling apart. I couldn't concentrate in school, I tried looking for a job but couldn't even get out of bed anymore. I sank into a deep depression and started not going to school. The trauma had damaged me. Six months passed. All I did was sleep. I didn't take showers. I didn't even brush my teeth. I couldn't do anything. I just shut down. My mother lost another job, it was only a temp job, and we became nearly homeless yet again. Time didn't exist anymore. But one day I started to feel better. I started to pick up my life. I slowly and gradually started going back to school and work. I got my diploma, but no scholarship. My mother got a full time job. I started working as a teller. And my mother and I started filling our apartment with furniture and beds, which we didn't have before. I still feel lost though. Five years have passed. Now with the economy the way it is, my mother and I are starting to lose things again. I've learned to keep my head up though, no matter how bad it hurts sometimes. Thank you for listening.