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i feel so alone,

I moved to another state to be with my husband. Now our marriage is falling apart. We hardly talk to eachother anymore, he doesn't want to spend time with me, I am never his first priority, we can't talk about any of our problems because it either gets physical (he never hits me, he just holds me down until I talk to him or apologize for whatever) or he leaves and doesn't come back for days. The list goes on. We have been to a counselor and the counselor recommended we take these communication classes. We went to a few of them, then stopped going because of scheduling conflicts. However, the strategies we did learn, my husband won't use, he undermines my attempts or mocks me when I try them and I often have to beg him or threaten to leave in order to get him to comply.

This last time he went to help a friend move. He left early that morning and ended up being gone the entire day. I know how much it takes to move, but I told him before he left that we had a lot of things to do so don't stay gone all day. It was almost 12 a.m. before I was able to get in contact with him and then he wanted to continue to hang out. I understand that it was too late to take care of our business but it was the simple fact that he wasn't considerate. He was over his friends house even after they were done and didn't tell me nor call me and after I got in contact with him he still refused to come home.

The next day he decided he wanted to go work out with the same friend after he got off. I wanted to go to the gym too and when I mentioned that he blew it off and said that I should work out at home because they were going to be lifting weights and I wouldn't be able to work out with them any way. Again he stayed gone all night. Finally, I started calling him and I couldn't get a hold of him. I got a text message telling me that he was waiting on his friend to finish his reps and he would bring him home. I called after I received the text because I wanted to pick him up because his friend takes his time bringing him home. I kept getting the answering machine. So I left a message that if he didn't answer the phone, I was coming to get him. I went to the gym, he was not there. I went to his friend's apartment and as I walk up the stairs I hear laughing and talking. I get to the top of the steps to see my husband sitting by the door of his friends apartment very close to this woman who is wrapped up in a blanket. My husband looks as if he is in pjs like he wasn't planning on coming home. I ask him when he was planning on coming home he says 10:30, its 11:40. I tell him no you're coming home now. We walk into his friends house and I see his phone sitting right next to his friend. I ask his friend if he heard me calling him and why he didn't let my husband know. His friend looks at me dumb-founded. I turn to leave and my husband grabs me saying that I have my facts wrong that he wasn't even doing anything. He claims the woman is lesbian and he was just talking to her because she is afraid to deploy. I tell him we will talk about this when we get home get your stuff and lets go. He says that he's not coming home because I'm upset and its just going to end up in an argument and he doesn't want to lose sleep. I start yelling at him to come home. I threaten him again come home or I'm leaving you. He still refuses. So I leave and go home. I am angry at this point and he starts calling me. I ignore his calls a couple of times and then I answer and yell at him that he is a liar and a cheater and I don't want to talk to him because he had his chance to come home and make ammends with his wife and he didn't. He says ok be stupid, you don't know what you saw, you need to get your facts straight. He then tells me in a text that he's not coming home until I change my attitude and that if I really think he's a cheater he's glad I'm leaving him. Its been two days and he still hasn't come home.

I want this to all be over but I don't think I can trust him. This isn't the first time we've argued over his involvement with other women. (The first few times were over a girl he was texting and calling) Everytime we argue, I end up being the one apologizing becuase I snoop or I'm too controlling. He never admits or apologizes for his actions. I got married young and I feel like I'm losing my youth. I have no one to talk to because all of my friends are his friends' wives. Everytime I tried to make friends outside that circle he accused them of being ****** because all civilians or "single women are ******." When I accuse him of being controlling he just accuses me of wanting more freedom to cheat or go to clubs so I can cheat. I don't even want to go to clubs I just want to have friends of my own and be able to hang out just like he does. I feel like there's a double standard. He can talk to whoever he wants, female or male, they're just friends. But I'm not allowed to talk to anyone he doesn't approve of. He can spend what he wants because he makes the money and I have to ask to buy a candy bar. I even got a job while I'm going to school full time and he would make me pay for our dinners or movies or stuff we needed around the house to the point where I was broke after each pay check. I wouldn't care about doing that except we have a place in our budget for entertainment and house needs. He told me to get the job because I wanted to go to the hair salon and buy clothes for school. I work at a daycare and make considerably less than he does and he will spend all of the money then use my money to make up for the budget. I'm just tired he doesn't make me feel like I'm wanted, he is always criticiizing me and comparing me to his friends' wives. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for him. I feel lonely and I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one trying to work it out. I'm always the one apologizing even if he's in the wrong, he always finds a way to flip it back on me. I wonder if there is even a way to come back from this. I don't think our relationship will ever be as good as it was before. I wonder if I should just let go.

ProudMama8612 ProudMama8612 22-25, F 6 Responses Nov 11, 2009

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Wow, I really hope everything works out for you! My heart goes out to you!

Sounds like a major wakeup call to me. I'm not a legal expert, but unless you have some sort of history of violent behavior or other witnesses against you, the case will be a case of "he said/she said" and the charges will most likely be dropped. However, when you appear before the judge, appear rational. Not like a hysterical emotionally disturbed woman. Most judges will laugh a little at this sort of case when it is about a woman hitting a man- unless it causes injury. As far as the rest of it goes, cut your losses, get out of that blaming yourself mindset- most of us have made fools out of ourselves over a man at one time or other- and get your "stuff" together. Don't talk to the grandma or anyone else who is going to guilt or dissuade you. Realize that he should be history. So should Granny. Put them AWAY. And I mean AWAY. If necessary, switch towns. Switch j obs. Serve his behind with papers LONG DISTANCE. And get the heck out of Dodge.<br />
Time for Life.

He came home today and tried to take the credit card, my dependent ID, and the car keys and we started wrestling over the keys. The argument continued outside and someone called the police. He resisted arrest and they were trying to get me to say that he hit me. I told them no that we were just struggling with the keys. He thought that I was pressing charges because they took me inside to make a statement. In his statement he said I hit him. We both got taken down to the station and I was charged by the state because even though he did not press charges the state did. I was let out on ROR and I guess he was too. They said he can't come back for two days. This was the last straw, he obviously doesn't care about me that he would jeopardize my career. I was denying assault as not to jeopardize his career and he could care less. He knows what has happened in the past, I wish I would have said something, but I didn't for fear of incriminating myself or him. I'm so hurt. I don't know if I will be able to get a job after college now if I get convicted. My whole life is ruined because of him. I wish I could just go back and never answer the door. I'm so stupid, I should have been looking out for myself instead of him. On top of that his grandma calls me and tells me that God don't like ugly and I better be careful. Does she really think this whole thing was one-sided?

And you are still with this man for what reason? I can't see that I would put up with any of the things you have listed about him... let alone all of it. The minute he laid his hands on me in a violent way, I'd be history! That isn't love, sweetheart. He sounds highly toxic. He sounds controlling. He sounds like a sociopath. Please make the right decision before you bring any children into the world... then you will never be able to make a clean break. Find a life for yourself while you still can.

Life is too short to be treated like that. You seem to be in a one sided relationship and you are the one doing all the work and getting none of the benefits. I know you love him, but you've got to love yourself more. Its obvious that he doesn't care, he throws it in your face. Out with other women, not coming home. Hes already gone! Start sneaking some money into a separate acct, if you have a home, seek legal help for free, but this man doesn't sound like hes planning to stick around. You deserve much better. You sould like a very caring person. He sounds like a jerk. I'm sorry if I can't wish the marriage well. It time to think of yourself now........since he has held you down, the next step could be violent. Get the hell out of there. Find someone new who will want to be with you. Not be forced to be with you. Good luck, but get out!

YOu may want to find some counsuling yourself o help find ways to help minimize his negative acts toward you. As a marriage, yes you will both need to work on what it takes to make it successful.<br />
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I wish you well and encourage you to find who you are and waht you want from this marriage.