Feeling Broken

I'm 26, Engaged to a Soldier who is deployed overseas. We haven't seen each other in five months. Our relationship is strained by his youngest daughter who lives with his ex-wife, she makes our life a living hell and has always strived to make things difficult, in hopes that I would just go away. His ex wife is a package deal, we pay child support through the nose and she does NOT need the money but enjoys making us miserable. Our relationship is further complicated by his mother who suffers from mental issues, so we don't communicate much with her but it still causes stress. You cannot fix relationship with people who refuse to work things out, that person being his mother, and now daughter. The daughter turns 18 shortly, she is going to be a Senior in the fall and if she continues through to College we're looking at 3 more years of Child Support.

The deployment has been difficult, I've been going at it on my own completely. I have no family, what little family I have is a 15 hour drive and we are not social. They are not good people to be around, far too toxic. My fiance's family, the good side, is his fathers side. We exchange polite hello's and how are things going phone calls but it ends there. They haven't seen me once, other than Christmas.

The Military offers the F.R.G. (Family Readiness Group) which is meant to help the wives, and significant others bond, have someone to go, lean on and provide support. They've been total bastards since day one, no one around here has one good thing to say about this group. It's a major clique, like High school and you are either in the popular group or you are out. Most of the wives I've met are tag chasers, they **** their way up the ranks to the next guy with the better pay. They are alcoholics and they drink in front of their kids, heavily judgmental, they like to gather information about you to spread gossip and rumors. It's very, very ugly. I avoid them at all costs.

My fiance during his deployment has had to face the stressful fact knowing he is my best friend, and my partner and he has had to leave me alone here with no one to talk to. Yes, I am a loner through and through and No, I do not have ANY friends at all.

My best friend since childhood is 3-4 yrs younger than me and lives also 15 hours away. She is into drugs, barely works, lives with anyone with a couch, has a baby and calls me when she needs something or she is near dead. My decision to move to the Midwest, where I live now came after a series of events/drama where it was easier to pick up and move, after meeting 'some guy' on-line. Not my smartest decision to be honest. We spent about 4-5 yrs together, and he was extremely emotionally and physically abusive. I got out finally and then I had met my amazing fiance. Before meeting my fiance, I was all set to leave this state and move onto somewhere else to start my life over. Once we met though, I decided to stay and despite my love for him, I struggle with wanting to leave every day. His career and Military Obligations tie him down here, and he would not easily be able to just up and leave, but I am unhappy living here, and it bothers me every single day. I don't like living here because jobs have disappeared, there aren't very many Educational options here, and I've burned a lot of bridges. I struggle to live here, and deal with the people. Perhaps people everywhere are the same, but I never experienced the types of people I run into daily here, in my hometown. I just want OUT!

 The MAIN issue I'm having right now is my Education. When I was 16 I wound up pregnant and was forced into an arranged marriage. I lost the child, and I ran from the arranged marriage and had it annulled. This had taken about 2 yrs of my High School education away. I moved to the Midwest, went back to High School, busted my *** and walked across the stage, graduated. I was with the guy who was abusive during this time, he wasn't very understanding about me being in High School and 20 yrs old. I had a SOLID plan though, I knew what I wanted! I wanted to Graduate, go to a Technical or Trade school, get a certificate or a degree in something that would provide a job skill NOW to get me a decent paying job, then go to a Four year University when I was ready.  But NO, this wasn't good enough, he bullied me into enrolling into a four year University, threatened to kick me out and I just wasn't ready for College life, I also had nowhere else to live, and I only worked part time. Full time jobs are very hard to come by out here. I've been a failed College student since 2005, it is now 2010 and I have about 40 credit hours, why?? Because my ex husband pushed me into enrolling, I was working full time, part time, and trying to take classes. I was taking care of him, managing a household, paying bills, trying to get my **** together being a young 20 something female living with a 35 yr old know it all dipshit. I ended up dropping a lot of classes, and having to take out a lot of loans to pay the bills because he couldn't keep a job. Now I'm 25k in debt, and no further ahead or closer to Graduation. I had a new goal though, I was going to go ahead, and go to the Police Academy, graduate and just be done with college until I was ready. That also went to ****, why? Because I worked a job in Security, trying to build up work experience towards my Criminal Justice degree, and then suffered an injury to my low back, causing a disk bulge and now I cannot lift anything heavy, I cannot stand for prolonged amounts of time, let alone jump a fence for a police test. Dream number two, crashing and burning in FLAMES!

I switched schools to save money and I'm getting by on Grants, Scholarships and Work study. I am TRAPPED. I have no desire, no motivation and no energy to continue going to school. I'm not interested, I hate it, I don't like to study. I'm still taking Core courses and its been going on for 5 yrs. I'm SICK OF IT. I haven't been allowed to take any classes that interest me, or spark any motivation in me. I cannot afford to quit school, the loans would kill me and I cannot afford to pay them back. I work part time, once again because there are NO JOBS in this area.

I have NO GOALS! I have no interests. I dont know what I want to do for a living. My life is a total mess. I have to put on this happy face for my soon to be husband and he seems to think Im motivated, and I have goals but I dont. Not anymore. I've tried some of these career tests, to see what I might be good at or what might interest me. Things start to sound interesting until i see the details of the course/degree requirements, and the classes you have to take, or how many hours. I also over analyze things, I think about what kind of degree I could earn and what kind of jobs go with it and then realize I may be working too many hours, I don't want to work every weekend, I don't know what would happen if a job forced me to move out of state, how would my fiancee handle it?

I just feel depressed, so depressed. I almost feel suicidal just because the amount of frustration, anger, hopelessness, loneliness and sheer exhaustion. I'm slowly killing myself with the stress, weight gain and the level of rage / anger inside myself that is AT myself and my own stupidity.

I've tried making friends around here, I don't like women in general. I attract a lot of lunatics, and I'm better off as a loner. I do like the company of people, just at a distance. I don't like drama, bullshit or the chaos of human beings anymore. I've had a lot of bad experiences, mmkay? I miss my soon to be husband so much. I wish I had some direction in life, or some goals but right now it's day to day, just trying to get through this semester without breaking too many things in my office due to frustration and anger.

I just want a 9-5 job, be able to afford my loans and provide for our family. I don't want anything else. I'm happy with simple things in life, I'm not trying to get rich or live the high life. Career wise, I'm limited anyway, these schools around here don't offer everything available and moving, once again isn't an option. I just want that fire back, I want a goal. I feel like a rat going through a maze and there is no piece of cheese at the end and the lights are way too dim and there are too many walls I keep running into.

vampydamnit vampydamnit
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 12, 2010

I was forced out of doing the things I loved, am trying to do some knew things which aren't working....and in short have NO passion to do anything anymore and i can't stand it. The one thing we all need is somebody to talk to that isn't judgemental, may have some insight...that we can't see.<br />
So I'd love to chat. guess I can't IM on here but love to IM or email

Hang in there! Austin Texas is the best place to make money. You might want to look into it.<br />
I also don't have anyone to talk to. I got guillion barre' died, went to a nursing home then got<br />
to go home, buti'm stuck in a hospital bed.<br />
I also would really enjoy somebody to talk to.<br />
you might think about doing resale. I used to make good money at it. I even had a store at my house.

Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. That's something my mother told meas a child. I am a freelance writer and a studio pianist. It's decent pay and allows me the freedoms to indulge in my passion which is saving the earth.<br />
<br />
You are going to have to look inward and ask "If I could do one thing to earn a living, what would it be?" <br />
<br />
With the internet market being world wide and online schools that offer education in just about anything you want to do. But you will have to make that first step. Focus, decide, and act.

you have alot to say..........ill listen.