So Afraid... I Need Someone Experienced

Hmm, I don't even know where to start. I know that a therapist can and will probably help me, but I can't nor can my family afford it.

I am afraid of relationships, and I just can't seem to know why it is affecting me so much.

I do believe that I know the cause, though.

My parents, even though appear healthy to someone else on the outside, have a horrible relationship.

My father is an addict. He smokes marijuana quite frequently, sometimes in the house. He has been doing it since he was 14, he says quite boastfully. I know that it affects him mentally, but he's too far gone to change. He abstained for 2 months once after being arrested but never quit completely.

Mom complains, for everything, she says that we have a right to know everything our father does, even about his affairs with other women, some even still in High School. When I was younger, she used to cry almost all of the time. She blames him for everything, then she turns around and blames us (me and my 7 year old sister) for absolutely no reason.

I remember that there was this one specific memory, of when I was about 10 years old, they were fighting, and he hit her. For hours, he beat her and choked her all night. In the end, he awoke me, about 5am to tell me that my mom had just cut her wrist.

Once more, there was this one time she was folding laundry and she was telling him about all the women that he has on the side and he choked her, and I stood there, but when he say me there, he stopped.

It almost happened again, when I was 14 years old, he tried to hit her again, but I stood up to him and I almost swung at him. After that, he never tried to hit her again, because his health is declining slowly and I am much older now.

It seems as though that they always get into an argument because every time something happens, it's always "So you went with your woman again? She should keep you." or something of the sort.

Then she's always telling us about if we've ever met our stepmom.

Then she also proceeded to disclose full details to me about her affair, which I couldn't even continue to listen to. Nowadays, all she talks about is other men, how they are attracted to her, and such.

Father never really says anything much, the only thing he argues about anymore is money.

It never seemed to bother me, until one day, I heard a story about a man whose wife cheated on him, he committed suicide and it just got to me.

I got this far talking to a friend, and he also told me to write down my problem.

I have a fear of...

1) Being cheated on

2) Even though how hard I try, it will never be enough for the one I love

3) My insecurities getting in the way of me being able to love someone to make her stay

My friend got this far with me, but he has no idea how to proceed further as to fix it. He helped me source the problem, told me that subliminally, I attached myself to the situation when I was younger and became a part of it. How do I get rid of it?

Someone else told me to open my life to Jesus, and let Him in. Should I do this? Is this a valid choice?


spranger spranger
26-30, M
3 Responses Feb 19, 2010

I didn't have all the abuse in my raising, but my sister had a psychologically abusive husband. He ended up killing my sister and niece after 30 years of marriage. Yes, Jesus is the answer. Everytime I started crying I would say the lord's prayer and it would bring me peace. There were also times when I could feel those praying for me and felt like those prayers were keeping me afloat. I have a blog about what it was like the day I found out they were killed. I'm not going to continue though, I haven't found a lot of support on this site but I have found a couple to be support to. And, I'm a little concerned about staying on this site because of a virus my anti-virus software picked up yesterday. If you're interested, send me a message.

Yeah, I guess I'm just afraid of letting anyone in, but I seem to be able to tell you anything, because you've never seen me.<br />
Don't let anyone in because of the fear that you just might get hurt. People only think about themselves and will not think twice to cut your throat. It hurts more if it's most close to you, though, like a friend or lover. Which is why I'm very, albeit so selective that I always wonder people's motives. For years, it took me 4 years to tell my friends the truth (not what I wrote above), I used to lie to make my miserable life seem better so I could look normal. Never went anywhere with them when large amounts of money were to be spent, because I had none, so I lied and told them about how I was preoccupied and such. Hmm, funny isn't it because when I came clean, they said "So?" and we were back to normal. If I don't have a ticket to a concert or show, they buy mine for me. "Here, you're going with us." Then, this year, they're so busy that they can't just hang like they used to. And I'm bored, because I'm not as busy as them... yet. <br />
Never really had a girlfriend. Don't know why. I guess if she could probably be like my friends, that would be great, but what are the chances of that? Plus, I'm broke so that just cancels that idea. <br />
Why is it that when I see someone get hurt, I absorb their pain and it just makes me think less of the world. When I see children and women getting beaten, women getting raped, bad relationships, people getting taken advantage of/ lied to, cut out, I feel their pain but I know that I can't do a thing. So I have a crazy process of trust until I let you into my life.<br />
Talking it out does help.

that is tough man. send Spranger some hugs or something.<br />
check your mail.<br />
Jesus is the way.