I Need Someone To Tell Me It's Going To Be Ok


I joined this group after seeing it pop up when I searched for someone to talk to the past few days.  I really don't know where to begin, I feel like my life is falling apart, and no matter what I do, it's not getting any better....I guess I will start from where I think things went wrong.

I have been married to the same man for 28 years, we met in high school and have raised two daughters who are the lights of my life.  In 2007, after his mom passed away, and our daughters were finished with school, he was offered a job in a city I thought I would love living in, since I had attended college there and my grandparents lived there for years.  We moved here that same year, I quit my job with the intentions of finally being able to stay home, finish my degree and live the "good life".  I don't know what went wrong, but I am so unhappy that I cry every day...It's not just one thing, but a bunch of things and I don't know what to do to make it better.  I have never really had a lot of friends, usually just one or two good friends that I could lean on , and they could lean on me, but since moving here I feel so distant from everyone and everything in my past.  I have hardly any contact with my mom, my dad, my brother or sister, as I come from a pretty volatile family and I finally had to say enough is enough, but I miss them terribly.  My husband is the only one I have to talk to now and he doesn't understand what is going on with me....part of it is him! My daughters are both grown, one living 50 miles away and the other, although she "lives" at home is never there due to her job and her boyfriend.  I am lucky if I see them once a month. At first I thought I was just dealing with the "empty nest" syndrome, but I really think it is more than that.

It just seems like nothing has gone right since we moved here. We of course lost money on our home, just like everyone, but the value is increasing, and since we planned on it being our last home, doesn't really bother me, although I do keep saying to myself that if we had stayed where we were, we wouldn't have "lost" so much, since our old home is in a neighborhood that didn't see property values decline much at all.  When we moved  here, I had 6 dogs ( 1 lab, 5 beagles...long story!) and we lost my lab who was 13 in March of last year, and my female beagle, who was only 7 in October, due to Lymphoma....I miss her so much.  The lab who I had had since he was a baby, I expected, he was getting so old, but it was still hard.  It was unexpected with the beagle...she got sick in July, I found lumps on her chest and she was gone on October 7th.  I still cry when I think about her, like I am doing now...

I have worked throughout our marriage, first in a family owned business and then later at a job that I loved, although it demanded a lot of time and energy.  We had always wanted to move out of LA where we were both born and raised and so when this opportunity came up, we decided to go for it... a rash decision when I think back on it.  The month before we moved, my brother went through a horrible situation with his now ex-wife where she took the kids and disappeared, he went through some legal troubles and such and I was on the phone with him every day.  It took away from the joy of starting a "new life" as I was constantly worried about him.  It took us a while to settle into our new home, and I found myself depressed instead of happy over the move. After being off of work for a year, I decided to go back to work, since that had always been a way for me to branch out socially, and  I felt like that was what I was missing.  I went to work for a small office, making a lot less money than my old positions, and I still was unhappy, their procedures and ways of treating their clients was so far from what I had been taught and had always done, that I found myself frustrated.  In the meantime, my husband was becoming increasingly dissatisfied with his job and after making a change in departments and staying with it for @ 6 months, he decided to quit.  I was supportive of him in this situation, as I feared for his health, he was so stressed out that it was affecting his heart.  That was 8 months ago.  I had told him at the time that we had enough in savings for him to be off of work for 6 months. He does not want to go back to work, he wants to do what he loves, which is deep sea fishing, and he has started working on a part time basis for one of the many boats in our area.  We have savings and are not destitute like so many people are nowdays, but we do have a mortgage and regular monthly bills that need to be paid.  In the meantime, my frustration level at my job kept increasing, and I made the decision to open my own office in December of this year.  We decided to invest a bit of our savings into this new venture, and after two months of improvements and furniture buying etc...I opened the office on Feb. 1st.  This should be an extremely busy time for me, as I am in the tax preparation business, but I am writing this on a Saturday, when I should have appointments.  I have been sitting here for two days with no phone calls, or people walking in, I just checked our credit card bills online (which we used to build out the office and supplies etc...) and I almost fell over....we have always lived pretty debt free, except for when the girls were young and my husband first went into business for himself.  I am so worried that we are going to run through our savings and be left with nothing, my stomach is in knots all the time.

When we opened this office, I thought I had made myself pretty clear with him in that I told him I would need his help and expertise...he is great at sales, and I am not.  I am great at customer service and my industry, but I have no experience in building a client list, I have always worked for someone else who handled that part and I just did the work as it came in....Since we opened, he will come in for an hour or two a day, if I am lucky, otherwise, I am by myself.  I have a couple of monthly accounts, and I have gotten a couple of new clients, but I am scared to death that I won't make enough to cover the office expenses, let alone, the household expenses which seems to be all on my shoulders now.  He keeps telling me not to worry, that he believes that I will become successful and that he would rather invest in me than in anything or anyone else (he received quite a bit of money when his mom passed, and that is what we may have to dip into if things don't change), but I feel guilty about doing that.  That money was supposed to be for his retirement.   He turned 50 a few months ago, and ever since I just don't know....he doesn't care about anything that could possibly stress him out....so I do all the stressing instead.  I feel like I made a huge mistake in moving here, a huge mistake in opening this business (which has a two year lease on the office) and a huge mistake with my life in general. I can't remember the last time I did anything fun.  I can't relax enough to enjoy myself.  We don't have any close friends here at all, and since I hardly see my family anymore, I feel all alone.  Now, since he is working on the boat on the weekends, I spend every Friday and Saturday night alone.  If I lived back "home" that wouldn't be an issue as I had friends to visit, family to spend time with.  Now it just makes me feel resentful and angry. I am so tired of feeling this way...I can't remember the last time I woke up happy to be alive and thankful for my life...I used to feel that way, back when my girls were at home, my family and I were close and my work was going well.  Now, I feel like I have nothing, and I keep making mistakes instead of making things better.

Well, enough rambling...because that feels like what I am doing...I needed to get this off my chest. thank you for listening...any input would be wonderful.

want2bebetter want2bebetter
46-50, F
8 Responses Feb 20, 2010

I don't find that you are rambling, and I feel like my life is falling apart too all the time. I'd like it if you were to know you can message me and ramble to me anytime...try and stay strong <3

Hi,<br />
Not sure if you're still reading these postings, but I believe in the law of attraction. So, if you keep focusing on all the things you think are "bad" then that's what will keep manifesting in your life. Work on focusing on all the good..ANYTHING good in your life and you will see things start to change for the BETTER.

Thank you for all of the kind words. I will try and keep them in mind as I go through my day...I wish I could be more positive...I am going to try and make that my top priority...again thank you...!

Hello my lady,<br />
<br />
It is always hard starting out doing something new and different. My husband was in the military so we traveled around quite a bit. Friends will come, give yourself time. Believe in yourself,trust in yourself and pray for guidance. You sound like a wonderful person - . The closer we get to April, the more clients you will acquire.<br />
<br />
Cheer up,

Hi! i'm Mbali from South Africa i just want to anchorage you today by saying please forget about the past & look forward to the future. stop stressing and focusing so much on your mistakes & unhappiness & be happy & greatfull for each & every day that the Lord has given you & your familly. take things easy & one step at the time as they come, you will be amazed at how much you are really capable of. "love life"

thank you , I will try...it's good advice :)<br />
I had a better morning this morning....it's raining but that's ok...again thank you, it makes me feel better that there is someone out there who listens....

dammit!! I meant this*<br />
cheers :)

Start afresh! <br />
Forget everything that makes you unhappy. Set the alarm tomorrow morning with one of your favorite songs and go for a walk...or run. Smile to people who are around you, no matter if you know them or not. Take a big white paper and write down your hobbies. Start dancing, singing when you are in the shower. Love the sunlight, feel it. Let the wind touch your cheeks and your neck. Just stay in love with the universe like a young young soul would.<br />
<br />
There are so many things to love in these life...including yourself.