I don't have any friends in real life. I have some online, but I can't really talk to any of them about it. I also have a therapist, but I just started seeing her & don't know her well enough to talk to her. I have a vocational specialist (she helps me look for jobs) who I've told more than anyone else. But I still have no one to talk to who isn't paid to talk to me. She's a very caring person, but it's just not the same. Plus, I only see her every two weeks or so for an hour while we're job searching. My mom's health keeps getting worse & worse. She's in a nursing home right now, for the second time in two months. She was gone from December 9 through January 6th & went back into the hospital on February 11th. On the 19th, she was put back into the nursing home. She will most likely be back home, but it won't be for a while.
I'm 28 years old, but am in no shape to actually fully take care of myself, especially monetarily. I'm agoraphobic & am too afraid to even leave the house most of the time, much less get a job. I have zero work experience because of it. I've been taking care of her since she had a very bad stroke in '01 which almost killed her, though I've been doing it with her money since I have none of my own. No one understands what it's like. She's gotten a lot worse the last six months to one year & it's made me get worse, too. It's even harder for me to go anywhere because I have to go by myself all the time. She used to go places with me, so it was a little easier. Now, I have to go everywhere on my own. I'm too afraid to go to the grocery store most of the time because she used to go with me & now I have to go on my own all the time. I can't get as much when I go on my own, since I don't have a car, so that means I have to go twice a week, sometimes three, & that makes it even harder because that means I have to leave the house even more. I'm terrified about losing my mom. No one cares. I have no one.
She seems fine, for the most part, other than her breathing, but she suddenly gets worse out of nowhere, even when she seems fine. She's diabetic & for about five days before she went into the hospital, her blood sugar kept going very low for no reason at all. She even stopped taking her insulin & it still didn't work. It still went down. Twice, she fell out of her bed & I had to call the ambulance just to get her up (she's too heavy for me to lift on my own). The first time it happened, they were at our house for like an hour trying to get her to wake up because her sugar was so low. I was terrified when i came downstairs & saw her laying there like that. I thought she was dying. I'm sure she will soon & it terrifies me. She's all I have. After she dies, I'll have no one & nothing. She was put into the ICU around Valentines Day because both her blood pressure & blood sugar went very low & her heart beat was erratic. The hospital didn't even call to let me know about it until practically 12 hours after she got to the ICU. The worst thing is that I don't even have a way to go see her. The buses around here stopped going there in January because of cuts & I have no other way to see her. The fact that she doesn't even call me half the time just makes things worse. A cab would be at least $20 - $30 there & another $20 - $30 back. I can't afford that. We're only living on less than $700 dollars a month. She's on foodstamps & last month, we didn't get any because she was in the hospital during the scheduled interview. Even after I didn the interview, even though they knew we had about $60 to last us for another three weeks & we still had two bills to pay, they still didn't give us the food stamps for almost a month. So I had to use more of the money to buy food which meant that I wasn't able to pay two of the bills. We're still behind on them both & I had been caught up on all the bills for six months or so before that happened. We're on Section 8, a government program which helps low income people pay rent, but when she dies, I'll be homeless since I have no money of my own.
I'm just so scared of everything. I wish she would get better & stay better. I know I'm rambling, but I have to get some of this somehow. i've been feeling very depressed & I'm hoping this will make me feel better. There's a lot more I could say, but I guess I'll stop now. I might come back & edit this & write more some other time, though. I just had to get this stuff down. I've been terrified. I haven't even talked to her in almost 24 hours & it's making me worry & feel worse than usual even. I worry that something will suddenly happen & she'll never come home & since I can't see her, the last time I saw her, when the ambulance came to get her to take her to the hospital, will be the last time I see her at all.