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No One

I don't have any friends in real life. I have some online, but I can't really talk to any of them about it. I also have a therapist, but I just started seeing her & don't know her well enough to talk to her. I have a vocational specialist (she helps me look for jobs) who I've told more than anyone else. But I still have no one to talk to who isn't paid to talk to me. She's a very caring person, but it's just not the same. Plus, I only see her every two weeks or so for an hour while we're job searching. My mom's health keeps getting worse & worse. She's in a nursing home right now, for the second time in two months. She was gone from December 9 through January 6th & went back into the hospital on February 11th. On the 19th, she was put back into the nursing home. She will most likely be back home, but it won't be for a while.

 

I'm 28 years old, but am in no shape to actually fully take care of myself, especially monetarily. I'm agoraphobic & am too afraid to even leave the house most of the time, much less get a job. I have zero work experience because of it. I've been taking care of her since she had a very bad stroke in '01 which almost killed her, though I've been doing it with her money since I have none of my own. No one understands what it's like. She's gotten a lot worse the last six months to one year & it's made me get worse, too. It's even harder for me to go anywhere because I have to go by myself all the time. She used to go places with me, so it was a little easier. Now, I have to go everywhere on my own. I'm too afraid to go to the grocery store most of the time because she used to go with me & now I have to go on my own all the time. I can't get as much when I go on my own, since I don't have a car, so that means I have to go twice a week, sometimes three, & that makes it even harder because that means I have to leave the house even more. I'm terrified about losing my mom. No one cares. I have no one.

She seems fine, for the most part, other than her breathing, but she suddenly gets worse out of nowhere, even when she seems fine. She's diabetic & for about five days before she went into the hospital, her blood sugar kept going very low for no reason at all. She even stopped taking her insulin & it still didn't work. It still went down. Twice, she fell out of her bed & I had to call the ambulance just to get her up (she's too heavy for me to lift on my own). The first time it happened, they were at our house for like an hour trying to get her to wake up because her sugar was so low. I was terrified when i came downstairs & saw her laying there like that. I thought she was dying. I'm sure she will soon & it terrifies me. She's all I have. After she dies, I'll have no one & nothing. She was put into the ICU around Valentines Day because both her blood pressure & blood sugar went very low & her heart beat was erratic. The hospital didn't even call to let me know about it until practically 12 hours after she got to the ICU. The worst thing is that I don't even have a way to go see her. The buses around here stopped going there in January because of cuts & I have no other way to see her. The fact that she doesn't even call me half the time just makes things worse. A cab would be at least $20 - $30 there & another $20 - $30 back. I can't afford that. We're only living on less than $700 dollars a month. She's on foodstamps & last month, we didn't get any because she was in the hospital during the scheduled interview. Even after I didn the interview, even though they knew we had about $60 to last us for another three weeks & we still had two bills to pay, they still didn't give us the food stamps for almost a month. So I had to use more of the money to buy food which meant that I wasn't able to pay two of the bills. We're still behind on them both & I had been caught up on all the bills for six months or so before that happened. We're on Section 8, a government program which helps low income people pay rent, but when she dies, I'll be homeless since I have no money of my own.

I'm just so scared of everything. I wish she would get better & stay better. I know I'm rambling, but I have to get some of this somehow. i've been feeling very depressed & I'm hoping this will make me feel better. There's a lot more I could say, but I guess I'll stop now. I might come back & edit this & write more some other time, though. I just had to get this stuff down. I've been terrified. I haven't even talked to her in almost 24 hours & it's making me worry & feel worse than usual even. I worry that something will suddenly happen & she'll never come home & since I can't see her, the last time I saw her, when the ambulance came to get her to take her to the hospital, will be the last time I see her at all.  

lyricalongings lyricalongings 31-35, F 6 Responses Feb 21, 2010

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All I can say that I understand ...though cab't say I've experienced the same things. But I've been through very similar things. I just don't know what to tell you. But I wish you all the best!!! For both of you.

Thanks for all of your comments :)<br />
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I've already been in my states rehabilitation system (it's called the BVR-- Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation here), but because I couldn't force myself to keep leaving the house all the time to go to college (they paid for the transportation), I was dropped from the program in October. As for welfare, my mom gets her medicaid & foodstamps through them & I don't qualify since I'm not on any kind of disability & am considered an "able bodied adult.".<br />
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I know that I'm special, & I know that I'm worth having a great life, but that doesn't change anything. I've been dealing with this my whole life & no matter what I do, nothing works. I've been doing a lot to help myself, there's a lot I didn't write about. But none of that will help my situation or my life when I no longer have my mom. <br />
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I've only met with this therapist one time, just a little over a week ago & I don't see her for another two weeks. It's going to take me a while to get used to her. I don't want things to start off on the wrong foot with her because I have a hard time with therapists & I don't want her to think negatively right from the beginning, when she doesn't even know my situation. I told her some, but she doesn't get it. I'm taking plenty of initiative to help my situation. Starting a year & a half ago, the therapist I saw until a couple months ago was going to help me get on SSI, even though I didn't want to because I was afraid of how people would view me for it. I decided to go through with the application process, anyway, but can't do it on my own because I just can't handle all that goes along with it. She was supposed to get the department in my mental health building that specializes in helping people get on disability, but no matter how many times they were contacted by her on my behalf & given my information, they never contacted me. Now, I don't know if it ever will happen since I can't go through the process on my own.<br />
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I know most people don't understand my situation, because they've never experienced it themselves, but it's not as easy as people think it is to just stop being afraid. This is more than just a phobia, it's a condition with the structure of my brain, I'm sure, & there's nothing I can do to change the way my brain operates.

Hang in there Lyricalongings. Life is gonna get you down sometimes and it's gonna wanna keep you there, but it's on YOU to get back up. And up and up and up and up again. I know it's not easy, I've been there before. Just keep your trust in God girl, you can do what ever you want to do. Agoraphobia will stand in your way if you let it. Grow. Don't let your phobia define who you are. You're precious. Really? Yes you are. Agoraphobia, no agoraphobia. Friends, no friends. You are so special, and unique. The best thing you can do when it seems you have nothing left living for, is to realise that you are much better off than someone else in the world right now, not even in the world, in your town, city, country - you're much better off then someone right now. Do you know how blessed you are to take the breath you just took, or to see the last word I've just written. Please listen. Be happy. I know you feel like you can't but you need to understand that how you fell shouldn't be dictated by what is happening in your life, because there is always going to be problems, life is never ever going to be perfect, for anyone. So be happy. In this moment. Smile. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And God is with you every step of the way just remember that. : )<br />
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My prayers go out to you and your Mum.<br />
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You'll overcome this, I know you will.<br />
Much Love, Joy, Beauty and Growth!

This too shall pass. It's hard to let our loved ones go, especially when we depend on them. But God will hold you up on angels wings. I believe that everything happens for a reason. You may have to go into the welfare system, but everything will be okay. Try getting hooked up with the DARS in your state. (Department of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services). If you need someone to talk to please send me a message. You are young, it will take time, but you will eventually be stronger in the long run.

I can completely understand where you are coming from I was raped and left for dead over 15 years ago. I had managed to get back on my feet and things were going ok. Then 2 months ago he got out of prison and I am back to not being able to leave the house out of fear. I know he has come back to this area and I am petrified in my own house never mind going out.

I wish I had more to offer you than my prayers. I pray that your mother recovers. I pray that you meet someone kind and supportive. I pray that the fears that keep you housebound go away. I pray that you can learn to trust and love yourself.<br />
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c