Hate What Is Beautiful

I grew up in a very rural community. My family was very poor and we lived in a trailer, my brother and I are my parent’s only children, I'm the eldest. When I went to school, in that poor rural community, I was tortured for being a nice girl, the girl in the back of the classroom who needed glasses but couldn’t afford them and wore floral patterns every day of my life.

I was often picked on for being ‘slow’ or as they called it learning ‘Disabled’. I was always in special classes because I learned differently. I am an artist by nature and education.  I hated that word ‘Disabled’ I used to cross it off any form or piece of paper that had it on it. I never thought of myself as disabled, even when I was a child; I always thought of myself as very able and would correct any one if they thought otherwise.

My parents, brother and I ended up moving to a town that had a better school system so we could get a better education. I still hated all those special classes, and hated all the special teachers… I hated it so much that I tested out of everything they put in front of me.

I fell in love in High School with a boy who is three years older then I named ‘Sam’ for identity sake. I loved him from the second I saw him, he did not love me back, but thought me interesting.

He moved away about two months later after we started dating. I never stopped loving him, but he dumped me.

I moved through High School with ease. My lowest grade a B, I attended a state college to get my BA in art. During this time I was dating another boy who would later ask me to marry him, and then sleep with my best friend, at the same time Sam’s fiancée would leave him.  

One would think Sam and I would reconnect and we did, for a week, he still living hours away from me. And then he took his ex back and we stopped speaking for a year.

Around my jr. year of college, we started talking again, he showed up on my door step at 4 in the morning and told me he loved me, words he had never spoken, and what did I do? Well I was a mess, rejection, not having enough money to eat through college, working like a dog… I was stunned. So to get me to admit my feelings to him that I had burred he whisked me away on a mini vacation and we had a blast. Eventually the wall came down, and I caved to loving him openly again. But I am still scared as hell over his leaving again.

It’s been two years and I have graduated college with my degree, we keep trying to move in together and nothing is working out at all. He tried to move up here, I tried to move down there… we broke up, got back together in a month… I’m at a loss…

The problem is I have lost all control of who I was, a self starter, motivated, girl who knew what she was capable of. I HATE myself… I cant figure out anything that is going on with my life.

I am stuck at my parents house, they drink so much it is disgusting, they scream and hit, they used to beat me up in High School up until I was 18 and then once after that.  My mother has bi-polar disorder and can’t take any medication or else she will die from low blood pressure. And she doesn’t believe she has it…so it doesn’t help.

I’m living in this crap situation in my own room down in the basement. My lover is 300 miles away and I don’t even think he loves me because of all the self loathing I am feeling and mistrust over him.

I am feeling so much pain and hate for myself because I got a degree and don’t have a job. I hate that my boyfriend didn’t love me back when I loved him and yo-yoed me around breaking my heart over and over. I managed to get a job in the same city as him recently and now I can’t even go/take it because it doesn't have enough hours for me to make enough money to move, and his folks wont let me move down, thats who he is living with currently. I’m 22, I have so much potential, I know that… but I can’t stop hating everything about myself, my life, my lover, friends, my situation. I feel like I’m losing myself, or that I’m already gone.  

I have started my own organization, I’m a talented photographer, I can get a job anywhere locally, I have real true friends, and a passion for doing good things. Yet I hate myself to the point where I don’t even want to get out of bed.

I just need someone to talk to.

Fishflakegirl Fishflakegirl
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 28, 2010

HI, it's pretty simple but not at all easy. I'm kind of in the same boat but yet far different. I'd love to chat anytime. I apparently can't IM here but am on Yahoo as mysihba

You can talk to me anytime my angel & please stop hating youself SO MUCH & start loving everything about you from now onwards & everything of goodness shall folow. Have peace & love in your heart.

go ahead..chat away :)