Confused

... I don't really know what to say. I don't have any problems. I grew up in a loving family, had a safe childhood free from abuse, was provided with everything I needed, was a little spoiled but not overly so.

And yet I find that life isn't worth it. But I think killing yourself has got to be one of the most selfish, ungrateful things anybody can ever do. I'm bored out of my skull, I hate and fear people for no reason, and I hate myself for being selfish and ungrateful.

I haven't tried to kill myself, and I doubt that I ever will, but I'm finding less and less reasons to go to school. What's the point in getting an education? In getting good grades? So I can become a useful member to society? So I can continue to be surronded by people I hate? So I can work for and with them? What's it going to get me? At best a steady job, 3 kids, a nice house, a spouse, most likely a divorce, and a life where I didn't do anything. Am I suppose to work my entire life for those golden years of grandparenthood and retirement?

And there I go again. It's all about me, me, me, isn't it? I don't want to be a part of society mainly because I honestly believe that we were given our own legs so we can walk on our own. Needing others for anything seems really weak to me. While at the same time, there are those who weren't born with legs. But is that not an obsticle of life that if one conquers, one will become stonger than others for it? And if that's so, then is not my own problem just something that I must conquer inorder to become stronger? Which brings up the question of why did I randomly join this thing early in the morning when I should be doing my homework for a class I'm clearly too smart for, in a school I;d rather see burning, surronded by people that i would also rather see on fire?

But if I hate people so much, why am I lonely? Why do I know that, without a doubt, I'd take a bullet for those lieing, stinking, moivng sacks of flesh?

I'm so confused about what I want. And I hate myself for even wanting anything to begin with. This is a problem I've been contemplating for a long time. Like, since i was 5. I know I'm some kid whose problems don't even compare to other people's, but what am i supposed to do? The only time I don't think about this sort of thing is when I'm slap happy and don't really think about anything at all. I don't imagine it's the heathiest habit for anyone to have. I could go on and on about it, but I've gotten most of it down, and I don't want to delay any of you who were polite enough to finish this from finding someone else more interesting to talk to. Now I can only hope this is how I'm suppose to do this.

Rattlecat Rattlecat
18-21
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

I think you need to create your own conditions for living. It takes a strong person to create their own culture and not be affected by other peoples judgments. You are on a journey, clearly right now you are confused but keep searching and don´t give up. confusion is a part of life. <br />
Be happy that you are a sensitive soul with thoughts and feelings. It´s not about finding yourself, it´s about creating yourself.<br />
take care:)