Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Im trying to help my boyfriend get on the right track in life, hes 22 years old, but I dont trust him to do the right thing so im always watching over his shoulder, always getting mad when hes spending money on unnecessary things. Hes failed at easy tasks ive given him, actually he failed at all of them but one, taking his meds every 4 hours.

Is it really hard to make sure to wake up every day at 10am

take your meds

take a shower at 10:30 3-4 times a week

go to school twice a week and make sure you do your homework

and last but not least make sure to watch how much youer spending and what youre spending it on (he doesnt make his own money his dad just hands it to him. He also recently came into some money so now I feel I have to watch him even more)

Is that really that hard? Does that sound really strict? Cause to me it sounds really easy.

 

Im not sure if I should stick to it and try to keep him on track or just give up because all this does for me is gives me more stress then I need. I just know that if I give up he will fail but if I keep at it he fails anyways so its lose lose.

YoucancallmeJuliet YoucancallmeJuliet
26-30, F
21 Responses Mar 4, 2010

i'm sorry to say but i have no real answer for you.i am going through the same sort of thing..........its not exactly the same but its similar.<br />
you know i have tried this approach with my boyfriend too.big mistake.<br />
the thing is i don't think men,(& i don't mean this in a bad way................so please don't take offense men)unless they are single care as much about routine & the financial situation as women do.recent studies have shown that women are the ones(& please remember this is not say men don't do this at all)more responsible most of the time for simple task such as writing the shopping list,paying the bills,taking care of the money situation & planning a shopping list & shopping.the studies say that we cope with it alot better then men.i don't know i guess its just something that is inbuilt in us.<br />
another problem is that some men(& i mean SOME men)don't have too much motivation.<br />
its a very big factor.<br />
i mean you can try to do the right thing by them & try to get them to shower regularly etc. but ultimately its up to them to be responsible for themselves.yes you can help them at times & guide them but its not healthy to mother them & treat them like a child forever.& thats exactly what they do. & what they expect at times.its just not on.....................

I also did not see below the original post that you left him.<br />
Have a good life <br />
and one day <br />
the words you have read here may ring true...

YOU ASKED a question. I RESPONDED.<br />
<br />
No, independence= being in charge of YOU and seeing friends or being in a relationship, BUT not letting it take you over and getting so caught up in all of that that you lose who YOU are.<br />
<br />
Life is not too short until you look back and see the wasted time. <br />
You won't be able to relate to that for quite some time yet. <br />
For me it all hit when my son died. WHat a WAKE UP CALL. <br />
<br />
There are no do-overs... DO as you please, but DO NOT ask for advice and then react as if someone who tired to help is full of ****. I would not have bothered had I not thought it may HELP.

For me life isn't too short. Its just life and its whatever I want to make it out to be. Yes maybe one day I will look back on all of this and believe I wasted my time but RIGHT NOW he is NOT hindering me from becoming who im suppose to become and he is in no way ruining my life at this moment. <br />
<br />
I do not need to stop doing anything. Im not sure why people believe that being co-dependent is such a horrible thing. So I like being around people I love ALL the time big ******* deal. I only have two real friends in this world and im not going to drop them and become miss independent. <br />
<br />
My view on co-dependent vs. Independent is me having friends and being around them vs me having friends who I never see because im too busy doing **** I dont want to be doing in the first place to make me a "better" more "independent" person. For me independence = loneliness.

Dee is so RIGHT ON about this!!<br />
<br />
YOU are NOT his mama,<br />
NOR are YOU his SAVIOR.<br />
Life is short.<br />
He has to come to the end of himself and want to seek out the help.<br />
<br />
YOU need to stop being co-dependant and learn to love yourself. <br />
<br />
You're all caught up in the knotted stomache drama crap and <br />
seriously (I say this a lot but...) life is too damn short for that.

I FEEL LIKE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, I'VE BEEN WITH THIS MESSED UP GUY FOR 3YRS. WE HAVE A BABY TOGETHER. HE'S GONE NOW FOR THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS, BUT I TRIED TO MAKE HIM A MAN I THOUGHT I COULD CHANCE HIM I PUT UP WITH ALOT OF **** FROM HIM. HE HAS HURT ME AND CRUSHED MY HEART AND SOUL. KNOW HE DOESN'T CALL HIS SON OR SEE HIM THAT JUST KILLS ME INSIDE. ALSO HAS A NEW GIRL FRIEND, JUST PLEASE DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME IF YOUR STOMACH FEELS IT LISTEN....... KIMBERLY

You did what you felt was best and I commend you for it. In the future though, please remember that a relationship is a partnership and when you finally do find the right one (love), you won't mind having to do things to help them. I do things like financials, he does things like going to the store. He also reminds me to take my meds. His brother though can't even hear the alarm when he is asleep and his wife calls to wake him up. You help each other. Now that you've moved on, be happy.

I should leave him because I never said anything about love? Seems like a dumb reason to leave someone.<br />
<br />
I already left him.

You never said anything about love. Maybe you should leave. My best to you on your new journey.

Im done with him. I feel like im dating my son and that just does not work for me.

The thing about it is im not actually the one doing things for him his dad is, his dad pays for everything and if his grandma died apparently he is set for life in the money area so he will probably never grow up cause hes always being handed money. I am trying to help him budget that "wealth" and not **** up his future so although its extremely stressful on me im not enabling him to do anything, im doing what his parents wont, other friends or other family members wont.<br />
<br />
He apparently just got a job building computers for $30 an hour and hes suppoibly going to be working 4 hours a day 3 days a week. If that actually pans out this kid really does get everything just handed too him and he will never have to work towards any success in life. Its sad really.

I have a brain injured nephew who has a short-term memory deficit. I stayed on top of him until he went to rehab. They call it being an enabler. STOP DOING THINGS FOR HIM OR HE WILL NEVER GROW UP.

Honey....take it from me...it's not worth the stress! I married someone just like hime! the thing was I was 17 at the time and he was 24..needless to say our marriage didn't work cause I could no longer play mommy...well now I am 23 and he is 30 and he is still in the same repetitve behavior! And still wants me to help him! Not gonna happen...babe..he is am adult and he needs to realise that..and more than likely he won't realise that until he hits rock bottom and there is no one around to help him up!

Not a problem hun. I know what you are going thru. I am somewhat there myself in my relationship and i dunno what to do either! I suppose i could eat my own words lol but its so much easier said than done. Heres a suggestion:<br />
Think back to the last time when you were fully happy<br />
Ask yourself what am i missing in my life? why am i so unhappy? where did things go south? <br />
After you have answered those questions: Make yourself a hmmm what to call it...umm.."Get happy treatment plan" Begin slowly surrounding yourself with things/people/experiences that enlighten you again ie girls night out, tanning, hair done, walk ourdoors, kareoke whatever it is that fills the void that you have from trying to mend a persons life that isnt your own. <br />
Its time for you time....i know its hard to act as if it doesnt hurt when it does...but you are losing your light because of this and you only get one chance...one life to live...so why live it grieving someone elses mistakes and taking on the depression for them all because they wont step up to the plate and make themselves a better person...<br />
You can only control you! not anyone else and even tho its hard to watch someone you love and care about destroy their own lives in one way or another...you cant continue to watch the world fly by while you sit and sulk for his idiocy. <br />
Im here for you if you need anything at all...xoxo

Thank you Dee! Its all very true. Im trying to get my life back on track while taking care of his *** as well.I think once I have a stable schedule I will stop caring about him and eventually move on if he doesnt grow up. <br />
<br />
You know what else, I shouldnt have to set a good example for him cause like you said hes a grown "man". Hes old enough to know whats right and whats wrong. Im just sick of it thats all.

i think you need to remember that YOUR NOT MOMMY!!!!!!<br />
YOUR GIRLFRIEND!<br />
He is more than old enough to know what needs to be done to take care of himself and if hes not doing anything he is supposed to be doing...thats his issue...I know you care for him and thats prob why you keep such a close watch but honey...you are watching your own life disappear right before your eyes because you are wasting so much time and energy trying to carry all his burdens.<br />
He isnt doing anything of that sort to help keep you on track and happy.<br />
Love is a 2 way street and if he still cant figure out how to take care of him after all these yrs...i think its time you move on and let yourself spend that energy and happiness on YOU!<br />
You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink!<br />
You dont need to babysit a grown man. Go out have fun stop letting a relationship ruin the you that you love! xoxo hope this helps Dee

you can *** and look over my shoulder anytime, bit far to travel, but i will make and keep you happy lol x

I have tried to look over his shoulder less and it never works cause he just ***** up all the time. It doesnt relieve stress because no matter what I do hes going to **** up there for im going to be stressed. <br />
<br />
Oddly this all just started like last month. We've been dating for like 7? months now. Im not really sure what happened but something hit me and he started acting out and then things just turned into this giant snow ball effect.<br />
<br />
For example: His friends hate me, they dont even know me they only know me through what hes told them and they hate me because of that. He denied it for awhile and then apparently him and one of his friends got into an argument over me.<br />
<br />
His mother and brother hate me for what happened between us 5 years ago<br />
<br />
His room mate doesnt like me being around. He told Sean that I should only come over for like 3 days at a time once every 3 months or so<br />
<br />
And then there is seans life style and how "spoiled" he is.

If ur happy around him, its a good idea to stay around. what if for one week, u tried to look over his shoulder less, would that relieve from stress? wuld u still be just as happy? or is ur addiction to his drama too strong?

I know you cant change a person unless they want to, ive been told that my entire life. He says he wants to change but it could just be words to me make happy.<br />
<br />
Im only happy when im actually with him. When we arent together we argue all the time. Hes basically my addiction which is why ive stayed. My guess is I need the drama and I need someone to "control" or boss around or else i get really bored, its something to do. Its probably a main reason why I keep him around. I just dont know how to break my habit.

first let me say you can't change a person unless they want to change,kinda like an addict they can only quit if they choose to quit...second are you happy,i would be miserable if i had to stay on top of ameone like that all the time,you are young and deserve a life....i would think it through mr right might still be out there for you