What Life Holds - Part 2
Sorry for cutting this story in two, but I've been really stressed about mid-terms. Please check out the first half called "What Life Holds". Both parts are also on my blog. Thank you for reading and responding!!
Eric had previously given me the password to his email and I admit to snooping around. It's one of the ways I was able to confirm he cheated since I saw the email he sent out to the professor. I understand it's horrible of me and trust me I have more than learned my lesson by seeing things he wrote about me that I really wish I didn't know. But, what can I say? I get bored.
Before I decided to become Eric's secret keeper though I had to talk to many people who I respect and trust word for word of what I have written here. I can't describe how, yet I just have such a hard time letting this whole thing go. He may have been wrong but my intentions weren't pure either. How can I ruin the life and future of a best friend who has always been there for me? How can I watch a cheater get away with nothing and be ahead in life? How can I betray the the trust of a friend when I of all people know how hard and stressful university can be? How can do something to hurt Eric and his family? (They are poor so Eric really depends on keeping his scholarship to stay in school) Among friends I talked to was Miling.
-smart, hardworking, competitive, kind, generous, a good cook, optimistic, judgmental, self centered, and a natural leader
-a terrible listener
-must always be right
Above all else in Miling, I trust her good judgment and good character. Although in the past I have issue with the amount that she cares for someone she claims to be best friends with. I have told her multiple times that I have very little confidence in myself. I have really high defences because I'm afraid of getting hurt and people leaving me. But I try really hard to hide it or brush it off or pretend to be happy all the time because I'm afraid that people will be annoyed with me if I complain too much. Yet I remember, when it's late at night, when the streets are quite, when I'm sitting alone in a crowded room watching other people laugh away with their close friends about the events of the weekend.
I remember when:
-I first moved to Canada, couldn't speak any English and was looked down on, taken advantage off, or laughed at for the wrong spelling
-I remember my first school here when I was playing on swings with a friend and she randomly grabbed a hand full of sand and slowly let go of it in my long hair
-I remember when I was ignored, invisible, and worthless to all the church kids because I wasn't cool enough, talented enough, or smart enough during high school
-I remember a time when grades where the only thing that matter to my parents and they wanted to mold me into their ideal child and made me feel stupid when I couldn't satisfy their ever increasing goals
-I remember a time when I felt like a failure and was contemplating suicide
All this I would tell Miling and yet every time she acts like it's her first time hearing it.
The night I talked to Miling about what I should do with regards to Eric she promised me she'd be on my side and help me deal with any awkwardness that might later with Eric. She told me she wouldn't leave with a liar and a cheater. She promised me she wouldn't tell Eric I was still using the password to his email.
But when classes started again after Christmas:
-Miling would rather work with Eric and a complete stranger on a seminar, leaving me all alone to be randomly assigned partners by the professor. (One of partner has since dropped the course)
-Miling would find shared housing with Eric, another mutual friend (Yena), and another stranger and have me in there group
-Miling sent Eric an email telling him how she's the one he should of trusted his secret with instead of me because she would of understood him, she wouldn't of been disappointed with him as long as he wasn't disappoint with himself
-Miling is the one that told Eric I still go on his email. (I kind of reasoned this point out since among close shared friends of Eric's and mine she is the only one who no longer talks to me and has become a ringleader in working to exclude me)
I still don't understand what I did to make Miling judge me to be so unworthy of her friendship, what I did to deserve her lack of caring, what I did to deserve her censure, what I did to deserve her exclusion. Am I not smart enough, not hardworking enough, not funny enough, not mature enough, not cool enough? What did I do to deserve her imposed collective abandonment of me by former close friends of ours? Why does Miling, knowing all she knows about me have to use it against me?
All I've ever wanted was someone to like me, understand me, want me, support me, be there for me, comfort me even through my worthlessness.