I Need To Learn To Change Me For My Husband

  I must first explain my personality and who I am.  I am straight foreward, honest, dont do drama at all, I work extremley hard to help our family afford a good life, I dont put up with crap from people, I am carying of people, the Earth, and animals.  I am loyal to my husband and have his back no mater what, I have never engaged and dont engage in any behavior or practices that would give my husband reason to doubt my love and loyality to him.  I have never ever crossed the line to doing something wrong in my marriage, I have always made it perfectly clear where I work or any business I have done that I am married and do not engage in anything that even resembles inappropriateness.  I am responsible for the finaces in our home and I do not and have never wasted or miss spent our hard earned money, I have and do shoulder the responsibilites of taking care of the family, bills, housework, cooking, cleaning, doctor visits, dentitst visits, whatever needs to be done I do it, I take care of his parents and all their needs, I plan and prepare and book all trips, do all the packing, planning, etc, My husband knows where I am going and where I am at at all times, My husband knows everything I do, I dont believe in secrets if I am an open book then I dont have to worry he will find out something.  I dont have girlfriends because I dont have time my family is first.  So what I guess I am saying is this, I am loyal, dependable, responsible, No Drama, kind of woman who lover my husband but here is the punch line.  My husband hates who I am.  He hates the fact that I am honest and straight up he says that is Negative and he hates it, I asked him what Negative means to him he said "well like when I want to go bush hog with the tractor" You always say that is a waste of my time I should do something else.  and I guess he is right but we have a million things that needs done that I cant or dont know how to do aournd our property.  He says he hates that I am honest that being honest with people makes him feel bad.  He says that I shouldnt be honest I should play it out and see how things turn out.  My response is that if I am up front and let them know how I fell right off they will not waste my time with their crap.  He hate me for being good at any thing I do.  I am a go getter and when I have an idea for working or making money I jump on it and give it my one thousand percent.  He hates me for being so driven but he enjoys the money I make.  He hates me for being so loyal and trusting, he cant stand the fact that I dont give him a reason to doubt me, He has even tried making me go to bars and places that I dont go.  He says that I dont trash it up enough that I dont look like the ***** and bad mouth ***** he wants.  He says that I should let go and get down and dirty like other women.  I tried this for a month and after about a week of F bomb and GD he started getting disgusted with this new person.  Even though he hasnt said so I know that when I stopped being the badass biker ***** he liked it.  He gets angry when I call him, and then when I dont call him he gets angry, I used to ask him when he came home from work how his day went and one day he told me it wasnt none of my damned busness that I didnt need to know what he done everyday so I stopped asking him that, then he turned right around and crawled my *** and raised all sorts of hell because I dont care about how his work day went,  We have been married two times, ten years the first time the we remarried in 2003 the second time and I thought he really did love me.  the first go around was really hard on me or so I thought but now I find that he really does hate me.  I try to talk with him and he says its me, me , me.  We recently go into another argument and I guess that I was pushed beyond my limit because I told him " Oh poor pitful you, you have a wife who is loyal, loving, responsible, dependable and caters to your every whim and you are miserable, poor pitful you"  I have never talked to him like that before but I told him that.  What I guess I need help with is how do I change, How do I stop being who I am to my core,  I dont do drama and get involved in conflict with other people at all, I am always loyal I married my husband not once but twice because I love only him, I just cant make a mess of our finaces by over spending and buying useless items and putting our family into debt.  RIght now we owe for NOTHING everything is paid for, we dont even have credit card debts.  I am in my 40's and I know that I am not a young sweet shapely sexy 20 year old, (by the way we dont have sex he is into **** and younger women)  I just dont know where to begin to change myself to become the woman he wants.  Is it possible to change your personality from what I think is a somewhat good or okay one to one of a trashy, low life, irresponsible, undependable, laxy, non working, foul mouthed, reject?  I just dont know if even this will please him.  Maybe there is no answer I have searched and cant find one.  THe only friend I have is this computer I dont talk or beleive in talking about your dirty laundry to other people.  Other people beleive that we have the perfect marriage that we are the perfect couple, truth is they dont know the truth.  He tells his buddies at work he is a great husband and that if they are gonna fool around on their wives they shouldnt have married them, but he doesnt tell them that he hasnt touched or kissed me in years and he doesnt tell them that he does ****, he makes them believe he is the perfect husband and he truly beleives he is.  I dont know any ideas.

msharp9 msharp9
41-45, F
2 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Nicole is right. <br />
BE YOU cuz if he doesn't love you for who you are, he doesn't love you period. <br />
It is also quite obvious that he doen't love himself. <br />
He seems to be seeking distractions all the time. <br />
<br />
Life is far too short to live it unhappy or trying to be someone you aren't.<br />
<br />
Re-marraige is usually like a "honeymoon phase" and then the same patterns form all over again because you are still the same people and not much changes usually.<br />
<br />
When is it YOUR TURN? <br />
When do you get to be happy? <br />
Why should you have to change for someone who would not appreciate you if you did everything the way he wanted you to?<br />
Why should you lose YOURSELF to make anyone else happy, especially someone who does not know what happiness is?<br />
<br />
Be true to yourself sweetheart. Out there, is a man who would give his left nut for a woman like you.<br />
<br />

I don't think you should change who you are at all, you sound like an amazing person and wife and your husband is taking all that for granted. It sounds like he is even mad about how good you are. Why would anyone not want someone who is honest and trustworthy to share their life with? Don't change that for him, especially if it's something you like about yourself. It sounds like he might have some self esteem issues, or is possibly mad that you are more successful than he is. He may need someone to talk to about that; whether that person is you, a friend, someone on a site like this, or a therapist. Also, if you really want to work on staying with him...maybe he would like it if you watched some **** with him, or did some 20 year old girl role-playing in the bedroom.