Gripping Fears Are RealI don't know that this is so much a story, but a way for me to say something I would never reveal out loud. I am afraid. I have been afraid all my life. When I read how all my classmates have had amazing lives, I want to cry. How are they able to have so much joy in life? I don't know what it's like to dance with my husband, get down on the floor to play with my grandkids. I hold back all the time, with everything, and it's frustrating.
I am so conservative. I didn't have a religious upbringing, and I craved it. I have a hard time going to church. I'm afraid to make eye contact with others in church. No reason. I miss it, but I can't make myself get out of bed on
Sunday. I'm paralyzed with fear. You probably wonder how I function.
I sleep until 10 or 11 each day, and I sit in front of the tv, mindlessly watching mindless shows. I have to make myself take a shower, usually by 2:00. I have things I could do, but I don't. Fear of failure. I sit in my chair and look around and see things that need to be done, and I can see myself in my head doing them, but they don't get done. I just don't have the energy.
I take medication for depression and anxiety. I don't sit and cry all day anymore, but I can't seem to find my way back into the world. I would love to be able to take chances and risks. Nothing illegal, but being in a social situation and having something to say, instead of trying to blend into the wall. I'd like to get back on my bicycle and swim, but I'm "obese". I've lost the ability to be spontaneous. I always thought I would be so independant, but I am dependant by staying in my house, away from the world, and I can't find a way out. I don't trust myself to be able to carry on a conversation with the neighbors, and since I have quit working, the "friends" I had at work ( I couldn't handle being with some of those people anymore) have all disappeared. It makes me think I didn't really have friends, but co-workers.
I don't see a path out of my fear. Maybe I have a phobia about living and having fun. I have lived more than half my life, and yet I don't feel like I've had a past worth living. How sad to think that I will never again be a happy -go- lucky 20 something or enjoy my kids more when I was in my 30's and 40's. All the things I wanted to do, all the promises I haven't been able to keep. All because I am afraid to be happy. I don't feel like I have permission to go out into the world and contribute because I am not intelligent. I forget things, sometimes I stutter trying to get something out. I would love to have hope, but my fear has beaten my hope so far down in me, I don't know where to look anymore. If only I could step out of this nightmare that is my life.