Plain Venting

**** him for real, i mean seriously. you work that hard and you're gunna blow ur money on ****. well i said i wouldn't say anything cuz its your money so i'm not gunna say anything. and i haven't for a while. i wont to you. unfortunately though, these thoughts are running in my head and i tried to sleep them off but i cant. so i'll have to see if writing them out makes them "fllourish" makes them worse. or helps me stop thinking about them. you know?

first of all. you didnt' even mention to me that you were planning to go in april. uhm, okay? but then again (yeah, i defend and contradict my own thoughts that's why its so cramped up in here). anyways, then again we dont really talk anymore. we had that awesome phone call but seriously. i dont even want to talk to you anymore. i like how it is now. with space in between. gives us air to breathe. seriously i dont know if i can go nor if i want to spend the month that my dad died smoking it up with you. but that's ur plans. you wanna go do that ****. go ahead. its funny cuz a part of me would probably do that stuff, but its like i dont want to do that stuff with you anymore. then again, it could just be this weird ****** mood i'm in today.

he's so sweet though, bringing me up. that was really awesome. made me feel good. i love attention huh...but who doesn't enjoy a little. so that was really sweet of him to ask about me. i like him. i wish your friends would include me more often. he does. and like i said i love it. calling me sister n law and everything. its sweet. even though i dnot really think about marrying you and all that. its too complicated and it makes me anxious so i just ignore those thoughts and try to live in the now.

what else can i vent about. since i'm on this random negative hill and i need to get down. okay so lets see. HER. and lately even him. i always felt closer to him before, but now idk. i dont like her because she's everything i want for you. she's perfect for you and like your soul mate. why wouldn't you love being with someone like her. same shows, same games. same interests, dude you're from the same area. you know most of the same people. so much to talk about. what do you have with me? different everything. hell, you guys even lost your pets a month apart. so there's another similarity, albeit really morbid. 

its easier when i dont care about you. its easier when i dont think or talk with or about you. that phone call really messed me up man. i'm like hungover you now. and it needs to gtfo. shew. its 3 am, i need to sleep. i need to fix this ******* schedule of mine. 

she's adorable. she's skinny and small and cute. and pretty so freaking pretty. she's confident and you call her sis and wtf. you guys bonded so quickly so fast. and now she's this part of your life but not mine. and i hate it. she smokes, she plays games. shes chill and everyone loves her. i'm nothing like that. i struggle every day with being positive and confident and not depressed and most days i do really well but some times i have down days and i guess todays like that. or at least this moment right now. it doesn't have to be the whole day. 

he'd be happier with someone like her. he deserves someone like her. she's so awesome that her s/o already proposed within a year. like he just had to have her before she let go or anything. and they'll have a future together. which means she'll always be a part of his life too. and if i stick around then a part of mine. she doesnt' include me. is that so hard. and now he doesn't either. i dont feel at home with them. i know they dont like me. i know they get bad vibes from me. what am i so mad about. that i can't be as awesome as her? that my bf deserves someone like her but i can't be her. i can't be this hot and sexy little gamer girl who's pretty and girly yet like a best friend to everyone. i just want school to start so i can start making my own friends.i want a group of friends. i want to be chill and awesome and have people who love me. other than my family because they're not here. i dont see them or spend time with them. i'm ALONE. i am alone. and i am lonely. so i can't wait to start making friends. and knowing people and hopefully hanging out. 

now i'm crying. i'm being so emotional right now and i dont know why. you know i haven't leaned on him for maybe almost a month now. and i like it this way. i like not going to him every time i cry. we're on break, trial, whatever. so he's not my boyfriend so he doesn't have that responsibility of taking care of me when i'm being stupid for whatever emotional reason. can i just blame this on the black tea i had earlier? maybe the caffeine is enough to make me this way? idk. i'm sensitive. maybe even that sensitive. 

this is a complete 180 from where i was earlier today. being productive and moving and cleaning and washing and folding and up and down the several stairs repeatedly. i'm unmotivated now. i dont want to do anything. i miss my family. i miss them. i dont know what to do idk how to make friends. 

idk. i dont wanna repeat myself because i dont wanna focus on her. and how he belongs with someone like that. from where he's from. where he fits in. i want to tell him all of this. and then have him break up with me. its over. i can't get these thoughts out of my mind. that he deserves more than just me. its over. unless i do say all this and he manages to somehow still let it go and accept that i'm ****** up and act that way sometimes (more often than not). and i'm insecure and annoying and whiny. i'm everything no bf would ever want his gf to be. 

you know i wish there was an audio venting place. so i could just talk it out. even though i'm not talking to anyone specifically... 

i'm done for now. i'm gunna focus my energies elsewhere. hopefully find someone to chat with or something.

so summary. i'm jealous of someone i shouldn't be. because i am cool and awesome in my own ways. and it would be ideal for him to tell me this himself (again) nevertheless, the world isn't ideal. so i'll just have to console myself. look at me. look at my life and my achievements and honestly i'm pretty too. not gorgeous and not always adorable and i dont have 500 people saying they love me and telling me how awesome i am. i'm not a social butterfly. but i have 23+ family members who love me. even though it might not be just the way i am. its okay that he talks to her about other things that he cannot talk to me about. its great actually because i'm happy for him. i'm happy he found a friend. someone, an individual, he can relate to with matters he cant with me. and him and i have our own connection. whatever that may be. im' not sure what. but its there. it has to be if we made it this long. 

i'm sure i'll get along with them fine, just need to let go of the past, and my mistakes and move on. they probably dont care because they have other concerns anyways. esepcially now. dude they're getting married. my issues are miniscule compared to that. and its fine that he's planning to go on a trip without me. he doesnt have a choice. and look at me. i just did the same with my family. hell i went to freaking malaysia. i'm all exotic and ****. i had so much fun. and it was all without him. it had to be. we didnt have a choice. likewise, he needs to be able to have his own fun. even if that means doing drugs. as long as it doesn't affect his life. we're all adults here. 

i know there are habits of his that i dont like. he drinks too much he smokes, this and that. obviously there are habits he doesnt' like about me. i whine i complain i get depressed often. but if he can accept me and chooses to be with me. then i should do the same for him. everyone's gunna have faults. the question is, can i live with those faults. and with him, yes i can. because none of its too extreme. he's not a drunk, and he's not smoking 5 packs a day, or even 1 pack a day. actually i think he's still chewing. so its like a can every 2 days or something. 

i really would like to go with him. if i could. that would be fun. it would be a helluva drive though. or maybe i could just fly to GA and we could drive from there instead of him coming to NY and us driving from here with the dogs. i can get someone to watch the dogs. but i dont have a break in april. and you know, i'd like to party with him. it would be fun. we all need some bad in our life. and some fun. some bad fun. if that makes any sense. 

anyways, i'm out
CrazyHappySad CrazyHappySad
31-35, F
Jan 16, 2013