In My Mind.

I have been with my lover for two years now. In the beginning I was clueless to the fact of the infidelity that was going on. I found out through a mutual friend of the significant. In a relationship, I believe that, in which most people can agree, There are no secrets. There will be a few that won't be mentioned, but honesty, trust, respect and communication is key. I am not perfect. I browsed the net in the beginning of the relationship. I was on a dating site and that's how I came across the mutual friend... small world. Everything happens for a reason! Believe that! On one Occassion I was waiting for my lover to pick me up from work, and not knowing there was someone waiting at my lovers house while I was being taken home. I found that out from the friend. Yes!!! they were **** buddies. And have been for 3-4 years before I came into the picture. There was also someone else amidst.... the ex!! About four months into dating, the ex decided to try and sway my lover away from me. On one occasion, once again, waiting to get picked up from work, I was left waiting. Walked to the house, saw the car, but no one was there. I figured this out by not hearing the dog in the house. The dog came from the ex. According to what I was told, the ex did not want the dog anymore because it makes a mess of the house. I'm no fool. The real deal is, that dog was suppose to be a constant reminder. Eventually the dog was gone... I was not having it. Anyway, i waited at the house since I had no way of getting in. Lord behold My lover pulls up with the ex in front of the house and exits the car with a duffle bag.... Huh? So u telling me you spent the night at your ex's house the night before? That's why I was left standing. I called and called. I knew something was up because I bare witness to when I call and the phone does not pick up, cheating is going on. I became so hard on my lover. I started going through private things like, emails and cell phone. I found a lot that has been going on even after the fact of the friend. I had a very promiscuous lover. If the army was hiring for a drill seargent I would be ideal...lol. I know invading privacy is a fast way to end a relationship, but Ifelt that I was left no choice because I basically couldn't trust the words. I had to see. My other issue is the fact that my lover has sex on the mind ALL THE TIME. **** became a problem. Downloading naked pics became a problem. Browsing the net for sex became a problem. Oh wow, I got one for you guyz.. How about I was in raleigh visiting a friend that moved from NY. I spoke to my lover around 7pm. I called I would say, a little before 10 or 11. The phone would ring. Then the rings got shortYou know what the outcome of that was... No ring at all. Straight to voicemail.  little after one AM My intuition wouldn't let me rest so I went back to the house. I drove close to two hours just to find my lover sleeping in bed with someone else. If I did not follow my gut, I would have not known about that day. Listen to your being. It could be your worst enemy at times, but it will be there when you need it! Living proof! Some part of me is still stuck in the past because I have been dragged through the dirt beyond compare. I try to stop the snooping, but it's hard. Just a couple of months ago, 6/09, My lover was house sitting for a friend. I discovered, by going through emails, that my lover was on craigslist. Strictly platonic... okay. One saturday night my lover spent the night over at this new friends house because it was in conveinience for church. Woke up to the "friend" performing oral sex. Why didn't you get your *** up and go home I said... response, I was too tired and like I said the church was in the area. Till this day it's hard to believe. Now when I asked why was I not told of this decision to go hang out over ther, I was told that we did discuss that. I flipped out. Number one, if I was told that, I would have made sure that I went because I do not know this person and two when I asked you how u met this person u lied the first time before I forced the truth out of you. Now back to the month of 6/09, My lover was also looking for sex. I found this out  two months ago by happenstance. My lover left an email account open not knowing... I took a look and found sent and received messages with photo attachments. Things happen for a reason. Let this be a lesson for people out there. You can not run for ever. Life will slap you in the face! If my lover did not leave that account open, I probably would have not known about that. I was told that there was nothing else going on. Told me one thing for the sake of conversation.I'm smarter than that. I seem to ask myself this question lately, Why am I still here? I love my baby with all my heart and this is no secret. I show it every minute, second, hour, month, year, etc. My snooping is becoming bothersome. I was chatting with a close friend of mine in NY and I was slapped with a revelation. I was too busy trying to change my lover that I did not realize the fact that I was damaging our relationship. I am working on that now, but I still feel that at anytime, something can go wrong. I'm trying to cope with the infidelity that happened , but I can't move on and a breakup is out of the question. I don't want to lose my baby due to my insecure ways. I have grown to be insecure because of the things I went through in this relationship. Never was I the one to be insecure and never was the on to put up with drama. This is life's challenge for me. Never have I snooped through any of my past lovers things. I'm making the best of this relationship but at times I feel it will not last. Either it will be by my hand or another string of promiscuous moments. I have done somethings too, Not slept with anyone, but sent a vid to someone of me ************. I told my lover about it. I felt guilty and I wanted my lover to know that I'm not perfect but I can admit my wrongs and not do it again. I know that might sound a little contradicting, but it's true.I'm honest about everthing that I do. I don't hold any secrets. Anyway, I need advice.