hi, my name is danielle. i'm 19 years old, 5'4" and 190 lbs. i've been gaining weight steadily for the past four years and nothing i've done has made a difference, or a lasting difference i should say. toward the end of my junior year of high school i developed an eating disorder. i didn't think it was a problem at the time. i felt like i was in control. i allowed myself to eat one meal a day, spending the majority of my time in an all out war with myself inside my head. my days would consist of me first, struggling to talk myself out of eating anything. then, in the period right before i ate, i would try to talk myself out of eating it all, or eating too much. but as soon as i started to eat, every thought would go out of my head and i would feel really relaxed while i ate whatever was served for dinner. however, as soon as i was done, i would be so angry at myself for binge eating. it was just an awful cycle. that's when i started to reach out for help. i saw a nutritional therapist who told me i was anorexic. the realization that i was in fact not in control of my eating disorder caused me to spiral into depression. because of all of this, i was home-schooled for the remainder of my senior year and didn't last more than a month and a half away at college. i feel like my life is falling apart one failure at a time. i no longer practice anorexia, but i wish i still did. no matter how many people try to remind me of how bad things were in the midst of my eating disorder, all i see when i look back is that i was feeling better about myself. i never managed to get lower than 140 lbs, but i felt like i was on the right track. i have put on 50 lbs in less than a year and it's only making my depression worse. i've now developed suicidal thoughts and am close to giving up. i don't mean to sound whiny; this is the first time i've tried anything like this..i guess i'm just looking for firsthand accounts and success stories from others. i feel like i have no more strength to give when it comes to the weight loss battle, but at the same time, i feel like if i don't see results quickly, i'm afraid of what i'll do.