Made A Terrible Mistake

This friend may think I'm going way overboard. It maybe true, yet I believe I need to be honest with myself. If I can't be honest with myself then how can be honest with my friend.

Now, I have not known this person long. We have only talked at length once and a few exchanges in the past. The beginning of the conversation was great. It was full of life. There was a point where I totally confused this friend with a series of linked jokes. Which they got later on. Yet, everything stayed light and fun.

We gained eachothers confidence and trust. Felt comfortable enough to share personal information. A level of trust not easily earned on social sites now a days. I look at every persons profile whom I decide to "friend" to get sense of who they are. I rarely approach anyone first, let alone carry on a conversation with them. It's nothing against anyone. It's just a matter of hours in a day.

This person, once the conversation started became more interesting as the conversation progressed. Very intelligent and witty. So I looked at the profile again. This person has a depth to them that is rare to find. They are open and honest and can leave you smiling for hours.

Yet, I messed up. Normally when I post something I write it out before hand on my phones notepad. It sometimes takes days or weeks to do. I can look at it and read it to make sure it says what I want it to say, how I want it to be said and taken. In my friends and I conversation it flowed. I forgot about how I hear something in my head and how it can be taken. It may sound like no big deal. To me it is. To someone I value even more so.

This morning I was excited. Looking forward to another exciting day of discovery of who this person is all about. Curious as to what makes them the person they are. This may seem like an infatuation or crush or whatever to some. It is not, this is what I do, I get to know people. Those whom I call friend is nothing I do lightly. My friends are people who know everything about me and I know as much about them as they are willing to share. They know they can count on me at the drop of a hat, and I them if need be.

This is why this is so troubling to me. Our conversation got spirited (get out of the gutter, its nowhere near what you might be thinking) and I sent a large piece of information I gathered and won't release anywhere but to friends. The information is going into a book I am writing. The information was meant to back up a claim I made earlier, to show I wasn't just making up stories. Instead of doing the proper thing and standing on my reputation as a decent person. If this person wanted the information I could have produced it in record time.

Looking back at the conversation I saw what this had done. It looked as though I was searching to rekindle the life into a conversation that had lost it's fire. Instead of looking elsewhere for what makes this person interesting and unique we treaded old ground and I kept going deeper into it. Sure I was making jokes but they didn't read that way. They read arrogant and creepy. Some downright rude and dismissive of this persons feelings. I am better than that, I don't do that to people. Especially to someone I value.

This person said they did not complain about my carelessness. I appreciate that very much. It doesn't remove my actions though. They may not understand, nor anyone who stumbles upon this, why this bothers me. It's a matter of personal integrity and morals. To get so caught up in something and lose yourself at the detriment of another person is inexcusable to me. It hurts others, it makes them less than a person, an object if you will. Every post on this site was put there by a real person with real feelings. We must not forget that.

I did not forget, yet I didn't stop either. I crossed the line of acceptable behavior from the start of the day. I believe I became a different person than this person thought I was. Jokes as I heard them came across totally wrong. Sure if we sat face to face it would have been an obvious joke. Smiles and tones do not transcend to the printed word. Since I am on an iPhone I don't do emoticons often. I rarely have a real keyboard in front of me. Still, to me, that does not excuse my absence of thought for anothers feelings. The loss of respect they placed in me. The loss of my own integrity for another. 

I owe this person an apology. This friend who has a spice for life, dreams, aspirations, goals, and a shared curiosity. I am deeply sorry for my actions. It is rare that a person can hold my attention for so long and bring a smile to my face for hours after the conversation is done. You stand to make this world and everyone you meet greater than when you first met. For those reasons are why I am so troubled over my actions and why I feel such a strong urge to set this apology to the world. You deserve only the best. I didn't do that, I am sincerely sorry I let you down.

***For those who wonder why I don't release this persons name. I don't wish to draw attention to them. There are enough clues in this message that they will know who they are. I don't want this person harassed or flooded with people wishing to try and discover what I had under false intentions. If I find my friends are being bothered I will set my entire profile to private.***
Knighted Knighted
36-40, M
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

I hope he comes around and does the right thing.

I know what you mean. I'm not going to let it haunt me. I just need to be aware of how I put things and remember who I am.<br />
My friend and I still talk. They are confused by my sudden change as they don't see the situation as I did. Yet, I'm sure if I didn't catch it then it would have gone to where there would have been no return.<br />
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I hope I don't come off as an intellectual. I'm not a doctor in anything. I certainly don't have all the answers. Everything I post is based upon my own life and things I learned from it. Or explored to gain a better understanding. If what I have learned can help others than my purpose, as I have discovered and defined for myself, has been realized.<br />
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That was really where I had my problem. What I had done went against my purpose. It didn't feel right. The more I did it, the more it didn't feel right. Once I stopped, looked at it, apologized (needed or not) and owned my mistake, I felt better and could move on.

Thak you. You put what I was trying to say very well.