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My Husband Is Clueless

I'm very frustrated right now.  I have pretty much decided that this marriage is over, and I am simply taking time to explore how to end it the best way possible as well as my rights and responsibilities.  My oldest son has a birthday in two weeks, and then it is Christmas, so in my mind we will take this slow and let the boys (who are so young) have those moments before we change it all on them.

And I thought that I had been clear with my husband when we were at counselling last week.  But he's either digging his head deep into the sand, or he is pretending that if he just carries on as if nothing is wrong, that it really isn't true.  And it's making me angry.  I"m not sure if I should just be really blunt with him and spell it out in harsh, mean words, or if I should let him keep on thinking there is some hope.  I would've thought that he, being the angry, negative person that he is, would've had a really hard week dealing with it all.  But no - he seems fairly normal.  Slightly hurt that I didn't want to go out tonight to a party with him.  Still trying to initiate sex.  Saying that he loves me.  And here I am - looking at houses for sale in my neighbourhood!

Why?  Why oh why does it always have to be the hardest way possible with him?
espressluv espressluv 31-35, F 5 Responses Nov 6, 2010

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the best gift you can give your son for his birthday, is your willingness to make things work with his dad.

it sounds like your husband is in a great deal of pain and has no idea of how to process it.. I'm sure you can relate to that feeling.. It's absolutley normal to be frustrated and at your wits end, and want to throw in the towel, but the best marriages come at GREAT cost.. Weigh out those costs and ask yourself, if you'd rather work things out with your family now, (cuz it is with your family, not just your husband), and still be married to the father of your children, or if you would rather work them out with your family for the rest of your life, teaching your kids that it's okay to bow out if life gets hairy.. because life does get hairy.. married or single, life's messy.. unless he is physically beating you, I'd say stay..

I'm sorry for your frustration, espressluv. I suspect that it takes some time for him to come to terms with this type of change -- it doesn't happen overnight. Perhaps he is still in denial. If you gently, but consistently remind him of the change that is underway, with time he will hopefully accept and perhaps even embrace change. Good luck.

be strong

I feel your frustration. I've iived with a similar situation for many years. My gut feeling is that neither harsh words or letting him carry on as if nothing is wrong is going to work well. I suggest asking for 100% of attention for long enough to have a discussion, letting him know how you feel and asking that he tell you how he feels about it. He owes you that.