How Do You Find The Strenght To Leave
I've been married for 17 years to a wonderful wife. We really like each other. But early on in our marriage the physical relationship dwindled. Maybe once a month, then once every 2 months. We had some pretty tense moments but never any physical violence. For the last 10 years we've hung the "Divorce" word out there like a shield. Then she started finding reasons for falling asleep on the couch until we now rarely even sleep together. I love kids, everything about them. Now I've come to realise that my wife may never have wanted them, even though we talked about having children before we married. This is totally destroying my life. I'm now 53. I know the chances of having my own child is slim. Christmas has been the toughest...seeing the dads with their kids. Now I've come in contact with a past love. She is going through a divorce and has 2 kids who are teenagers. She was in a loveless, sexless marriage but held on because of the kids. She lives 900 miles away, so I know unless one of us moves, the chance of us actually making it work between us is very unlikely. Still, from the time we knew each other, 33 years ago, 30 years ago, 25 years ago....we have been in each other's lives. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe she is my soul mate. It has been after our recent reunion, which she found me on face book, that my world finally caved in. She knows what I am going through, she wants to there for me to talk to. I maybe just hoping to have one more chance with her. God i hope I'm not reading too much into this. I knew that I had to make a change. I love my wife and she loves me....but we have become room mates. We care deeply for each others welfare and that makes it so hard to leave. We don't fight. We love doing the same things together. We have a business that we work together. This complicates things. We have the same friends. This is a killer. I love her family and my family loves her. This is still a secret to them all, although they know something is wrong by the depressed mood I've been in lately. I started seeing a pychologist. I learned that I do everything for others and rarely anything for me. I have been trying all my life to make others happy that I haven't learned how unhappy I was. I not sure how the progress is going. I am scared to be alone again. I never was like that when I was younger. Now....? How does a guy find the courage to take that first step out the door. I look at everything that we've collected over the years. I remember the stores we shopped, the vacations, evrything that we done together, the sweat, the laughter, the tears of losing our dog, every year of our lives. I sometimes feel like I've wasted not only my 17 years, but also hers by not confronting our problem earlier in our marriage. My therapist thinks I've already made my decision to divorce. I just hate causing the pain. I know we both had a part in the marriage not working...that gives me some strength. Still, I don't take losing easy, I don't like failing, I am breaking a commitment, I never do that....it's that me thing again. If there was abuse, drugs, alcohol, infidelity, or .....I could see it would be...easier? How oh how did others find the strength to leave.