In It Too Long?

I have been married for 10 years, and have been unhappy for the past 6 years. When we first married, we were very happy. But something went wrong along the way. About 7 years ago, he started coaching a basketball team for his son (from a previous marriage); this turned into him being the commissioner. This takes away  A LOT of time from me and our son.  I am starting to realize how much his being away from home has affected me. I feel like a single parent. I take care of our son, do homework with him, usually I stay at home with my son when he is sick.  When my husband is home, I still do what I normally do with little input from him. My son will walk by him to ask me to do something for him, because we are both so used to him not being at home.

Throughout our entire marriage I have never felt like I fit in with his family, that they don't accept or approve of me.  When we go out to dinner or on vacation, I am with our youngest son; and the rest of the family is at the other end of the table or in the hotel room talking to my husband's son, so he doesn't feel "left out".  I feel they shouldn't neglect the youngest grandson for the other. My husband's family feels they should "dote" on the oldest grandson, because they don't see him that much...Which is not true, he lives about 3 or 4 minutes from our home and any of us can see him anytime we want. I've expressed my feelings to my husband about how I feel we have been neglected and how his family treats me and our son like we are not really wanted. His only response is "If that's how you feel, then leave; because I can't change my family". I understand that, but I feel that he should at least let his family know that there are one-sided affections of the grandchildren. And our new neighbors have already noticed this and commented to me about it. My husband feels like there is nothing wrong.  

I have wanted to spend time with my husband alone, thinking that it might bring these feelings back so I can feel "in love" again.  I asked 3 years ago if he would like to go on a little weekend vacation, but he said he couldn't because of basketball and when the season was over, we would go somewhere just the two of us. I have been waiting for 3 years to go somewhere, anywhere! There is no time because of basketball or soccer season is coming. Then when we don't have any obligations, we don't have money to do that. It's too trivial! I don't think it is.

I took off my wedding band about a month and a half ago, mainly because it is getting too tight on my finger. But my husband just picked it up and set it on the dresser, saying nothing. Not offering to have it resized or anything. 

I'm starting to wonder if he feels the same, that something is missing; but just isn't willing to admit it. I think he doesn't want to go through another divorce.  He still tells me he loves me and tried to be affectionate, but sometimes it seems exaggerated and strained. Like it's a show. 

I feel like I've been in this marriage too long now, I might as well "finish it out", die being married to the same man. 

I am just so afraid that there could be someone that could make me so much happier and I'll live the rest of my life not knowing how happy I really could be...

cm112176 cm112176
31-35, F
8 Responses Jan 31, 2008

be patient. be strong, It taken me over a year to understand my relationship with my wife.She has fallen in love with 2 guys in last 2 years.I should have jump ship a year ago but I didnt. I wanted to know what went wrong and why. I have learn I need to change and become a better person each day. Our love will never be the same but I have learn a lot from others. I do marriage counseling of some sort three to five times a week.To bad I didnt start nearly 2 years ago when the problem started to go down hill fast.Just understand your relationship the best you can. It took me nearly a year to breakdown our relationship and lot of patience. I have waited for her for nearly a year so her lover boy will leave her.I think our road to happiness is small right now but in the end it will be a highway of happiness

Thank you findinme. That's what I am trying to do. I never have been independent. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar and I am going to start taking voice lessons. Also, my son and I have talked about taking karate or tae kwon do classes together.

Yep...good advice from findinme.. I'm working on independence too....can't rely on him for happiness!

cm I agree with Lexus and JeepDriver that if you can get counseling. If not possible I have found that sometimes inattention brings attention. Do what makes you and your son happy. Don't rely on him or his family for your happiness. Take some local classes (photography, pottery, book club) without him. Become very independent. If he doesn't start paying attention...well you will have moved in the right direction anyway.

Please try and sort it now....not let it drag on for 25 years of marriage like I husband hasn't noticed that my ring is on my other hand now....been there 2 or 3 months now. Im thinking of removing it altogether but he made it for me the day before we were married... : (

GO....and tell hubby that you do think something is wrong....perhaps suggest that loving you means he should go with you just because you think help is needed.<br />
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If the man i was married to took off his wedding band i would sure as hell think something was wrong!!

Lexus, I have briefly talked to my husband about counseling, but he feels there is nothing wrong. So he feels like there really is no point in going to counseling. I have considered going alone. If only just to vent and sort out issues with our son's behavioral problems and issues from my past.

Your marriage sounds as if it is certainly in a crisis....have you considered seeking help from a counselor before you make any drastic decisions?