A Bad Situation

Welcome to EP.

It must be really tough in a marriage like yours, one lacking intimacy I mean. You'll find some sympathetic ears in the EP community.

It occurred to me that you were with this guy starting at age twenty, married him eight and a half years later when you were in your late twenties. I'm not trying to be judgmental but I wonder why you stuck with the fellow and eventually married him after you had all that time to examine him and his behavior.

Hope you don't take offense at my question. I feel for ya in a lonely relationship where you don't get what you want and need.

Warm regards,

from ward

Thank you so much for taking the risk and sharing in this forum. It is hard to open up and share deep feelings and fears that are parts of our daily lives. I have much in common with your maritial situation. Married young, stayed together hoping that maybe something like a bolt of lightening, or ah hah moment might just snap her back to some form of reality and allow her to see that her behavior is throwing away the best years of ourlives. She is not interrested in sex, does not wish to communicate, rarely enjoys going out with me, and does not desire to kiss, touch or just simply hold me. I miss the touch of a women so much, and long for simple moments of shared intimacy. I really understand the feelings you have shared thus far. I can only hope that you will find a way to solve this problem. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks for all the comments and support. Yes, Ward, I probably should have known better by the time it came time to walk down the aisle, but sadly, I clearly didn't. Actually, I sort of did know, but I listened to someone's advice that I should not have listened to and went ahead with the marriage anyway. Now I'm clearly regretting it, but if I linger on that all too much, it'll make me crazy. I've made my mistakes, and now I have to deal with them.

Farfalla is right - it just sort of sneaks up on you. When we met we were both in college. I was a junior, and he was a 5th year senior (at different schools). It was good at the beginning, but when I think back, things weren't as good as they should have been. Then there was the post college first job then a year away for graduate school in another state then back in the same place again. Two and a half years later I moved back to my hometown for good and nine months later he followed. Thinking back, I should have stopped it for good then, but of course I didn't. There were plenty of other times I should have stopped it all but didn't. Four months later we were engaged then married eight months after that. Now, six and a half years later we have a son (whom I wouldn't trade for anything), and it's so hard and so horrible.

I miss closeness and intimacy so much. I know what you mean, KingofPain. It's literally been YEARS since I've had sex (not even to conceive my son - he's adopted). I'm not even sure when the last time was. Forget kissing, holding hands, touching. My son has NEVER seen his parents touch let alone kiss! That's really sad to me. He deserves to have two happy, functional parents.

So that's basically me in a nutshell. Feel free to ask whatever you'd like. And no, Ward, I'm not offended by your comments. They're the same things I ask myself every single day of my life.

That's a really good question, almostyou. At this point, I think I'd have to say no. It's been too long to believe that things could ever change that much. I don't believe that he's capable of giving me (and my son too for that matter) what I want and what I really deserve from a relationship. There's a lot of other stuff that I haven't written about that really makes me believe it'll never happen. He will never change - not enough to be the husband and partner that I really desire. Believe me - I wish it were different. This is NOT how I wanted my life to end up.

MOChick,

Looking at the history you laid out in a comment above I can understand how you wound up married in spite of the downfalls of your relationship. I didn't see any mention of counseling in previous posts. Do you think that counseling would help, if you haven't tried it? It seems like communicating at a basic level would make it clear to your husband that you need more intimacy in your marriage, it's the natural and healthy aspect of any good marriage, and a good marriage therapist would help you two open up the lines of discussion. Just an idea.

Best wishes for success,

from ward

There has definitely been a lot of counseling - joint and separate. Believe me - I've seriously tried to make this better, to make it work. Sadly the effort is completely one-sided. Even the therapist says this. I've tried so hard for so long. I just don't think I can do it anymore.

It sounds like you have made your decision, most would agree with you, that it's time to cut your losses and move on. Best of luck to you.

And fond regards,

from ward

Thanks for the recommendation, SezWho. I'll look for the book. I know for sure that talking is not enough...believe me on that one! Every single day is a challenge these days. I know what I have to do and need to do it - I just have to get the courage to do it if that makes sense. It really is such a big deal. And I have more than just myself to think about. My son is my world, and this will be so tough for him - but it still HAS to be done. I just have to get the nerve and the gumption to do it. I'm getting closer everyday. I know that the longer I wait, the harder and worse it will be, but this is NOT an easy thing to do. Thanks to all of you for your support. I really do appreciate it, more than you guys realize.

I think a lot of us overlook a whole lot of red flags because we want to get married. Then of course there are others that can never find the "perfect" mate and don't commit to anyone. Sounds like you could be like me in that you loved him and couldn't see your life without him. Don't beat yourself up over marrying him. Just do what you need now to sort out the rest of your life. I think my problem was that it really would have hurt my self esteem if I hadn't married my "first". I waited for a long time to meet Mr. Right so I really thought I had it figured out. Turns out I don't regret knowing him or some of the aspects of how the relationship has helped me grow, I do regret marrying him however. If I had to do it all over again, I really would have postponed marriage indefinitely and tried to find a way to love myself even if I had to leave him. This is more about me than you, sorry. But for what it's worth....

Here's the clue:

"... lots of fighting (mostly on my part since when he doesn't like what he hears he tends to shut down) ..."

If you want to save things, change what you can control. You control yourself, not him. So change yourself.

Counsellors usually say there should be from 5 to 7 positive comments for every 1 negative one in a marriage. What is your ratio?