Okay... Here It GoesSo I originally posted in the sexless marriage group when I joined EP. I will update on that here. There are actually a few reasons outside of our sex life as to why our marriage is suffering and I'm posting here.
My husband has some wonderful qualities. He is very giving and patient. He is a very nurturing father. He always thinks of others before himself and he lets me make all the decisions for our family. He does much of the cleaning and he even likes to cook. I have no doubt someone would find him a great catch if I leave.
All that said, we are very different. While I admire him for those good qualities of his and I have come to feel more safe and trusting with him than anyone else in the world... the romance is not there. It is hard but I am coming to face the possibility that while I love my husband, I am not IN love with him. The definition of love in our marriage is that of a very good friendship. I don't enjoy sitting and watching sports the way he does. He is not academically motivated the way I am. He is content with little and I am ambitious. His sex style is very simplistic and I would like to change it up and add new positions and role play. My sex drive is very high, but sex has been in bursts, with weeks to even a month or two of time in between and he rarely used to initiate. He has some medical concerns that I have been continuing to help him address and find out about. He has sleep apnea and he has low testosterone which both play into his sex drive issues.
It has been interesting though that the more time I spend here and just online and with people I have met, he has started wanting sex more. He knows I’ve been drifting away. The sex is still nothing like what it could be but again this is just one area. He is not good at managing money. I pay the bills; I manage the money. It gets tiring after awhile feeling like I have to keep everything afloat. I make all the decisions from what we eat to what we buy and where we go. He sometimes gives ideas but it's usually all me. It makes me feel like I'm doing this alone. It feels like there really isn't a partnership. For once I would like him to just take lead and take some of that burden off of me. Perhaps I lead naturally but it doesn't mean that I don't get tired of it.
I had a talk with him last year. A very straightforward talk…my friends here will confirm that’s my nature lol. Anyway I just told him that his lack of motivation for sex and to move up career wise was a turn off. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I told him no at that point. I told him I do have online friends and that was enough to get him asking what he could do to change? What did I want to see him change? So I just laid it out for him. At that point I hadn’t faced the idea that I might just not be in love. This would be the hardest thing to say. I have broached the topic of divorce; the reaction was not good. He wasn’t able to even really talk about it.
As said in my sexless marriage story, we have two kids, both toddlers right now. Having kids certainly makes this decision harder but the thoughts are there nonetheless. I feel that my husband and I could maintain a good friendship even if we were divorced and that would help the kids a lot. That said, I’m still stuck in thought over this and I agreed last year to give him 3 years to make changes and for us to get help. One year down and I’m thinking I need to see some type of marriage counselor to help me sort through these thoughts.