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I Am Very Curious....

with the national divorce rate now at 53% the chance that you will get divorced is greater than the chance you will stay married.

my parents are divorced.

my mom is going through her second as we speak.

married men hit on me non stop.

i know women and men having affairs.

lets just say a lot of things have been mixed together to create my not so positive outlook on marriage.

my mom and dad say that they just got married too young, that people do a lot of their changing and growing in there twenties which makes it very likely to grow apart.

is that true? do people get divorced because they get married too young?

or has true love been lost forever?

LittleLady LittleLady 18-21, F 41 Responses Feb 25, 2008

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People get divorced sometimes because they didn't know the person well and once they did they realized something that was a deal breaker, but in most cases it really is lack of trying. Sometimes one person tries and the other doesn't, and sometimes both people stop trying, but you can't grow apart all that easily if you are making an effort to grow together. <br />
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The biggest reason the divorce rate is higher is that it's easier to meet new people and in general society will move on much too quickly if something isn't exactly the way they want. I think humanity is losing its grasp on commitment, not to relationships specifically, but as a whole

watch fireproof, can save ANY marriage if both want to make it work

I agree. This was one of the movies my wife and I watched together that helped turn things around. We saw many similarities in our situation and in the reconciliation attempts. It is well worth watching.

the fact that your parents are divorced does not mean you are gonna be too. i had set my mind to not ever get married because i was gonna get divorced anyways, until i met this guy that changed my way of thinking. we are married already. i didn't ba<x>sed my marriage to my parents, i ba<x>sed it on my grandparents. they got married before the Vietnam war, my grandpa left my grandma, and luckily he came back to her. till this day they are still married, their children have children and some of their children children's have children... that's a story and people you should ba<x>se o, no the negative ones...

Remember that the statistic of 53% is of ALL marriages. Far more second and third marriages fail than first marriages, so to quote the total average when considering a first marriage is not statistically sound. Just sayin'.

I would think that getting married to young would be a large percentage of that 53% you speak of.<br />
Many times people don't even know who they really are yet. Years later you may find that who you really are, or who they really are, isn't at all who you thought.

dear little lady,<br />
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After seeing your parents' marriage, I am sure, you know why divorce happens. i also think that you will make abetter spouse than your parents because of your experiences.<br />
Life is exrtemely difficult and complicated. there are no sure fire answers for anything. But yes, there are mainly3 basic reasons:<br />
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Lack of knowledge<br />
Lack of compatibility<br />
Pressure from within the marriage, family and yes, from outside.<br />
If you are unemployed and have no money, chances are that you and you spouse will fight about money and later that may lead to divorce. If you were not short of money, then probably there are lesser chances of divorce. Because of the economic recession, there have been double the number of divorces. If recession had not happened, those couples would still have been married.

Growing apart can happen for many reasons. Marrying very young increases the likelihood of it happening, but it's hard to say how much. I got married at 27 and my wife was 25. We have grown apart and I don't think we were too young. The biggest reason, for me, that we have grown apart is that she has become disinterested in anything romantic or sexual with me, or anyone else for that matter. I don't know why. I think if you feel a strong attraction to your mate and make a conscious effort to keep it a high priority, you can make it.

the only one that can truly decide on if you should stay or go, is you love... but from my experience i ended up divorced cause time had changed my ex hubby an me... but i got married for the wrong reason to start of with.

The statistics don't even tell half the truth. Yes 53% of marriages fall apart but many of the ones that don't are still horrible. I don't know anybody who is really and truly in a happy marriage. That doesn't mean it can't be done. Society has changed so rapidly in the past few decades and I honestly think most people don't have a clue as to what marriage is supposed to be about. They expect that you will be wonderful all the time and never make them feel bad or they'll just trade you in. Marriages are supposed to be forever. I never plan to get married, or have kids. I just don't see any reason to mess up your life that way. People are just too selfish to make it work anymore. Sorry.

In my case, my wife and I both had been alone for a very long time, and when we met, we were just excited that we didn't have to be alone anymore. I personally ignored some red flags early in our relationship and now regret getting married to this woman. However, I am a Christian and believe that God hates divorce, and so I know that I must commit my feelings and this marriage to Him and trust that He will work a miracle. It was a mistake for us to get married, but God has a way of taking our mistakes and working them for good. I have to admit, though, that I do feel sometimes like it would be best for us to separate.

no true love is not lost... its just with increasing population, increasing different thoughts and new concepts always a flowing, with increased everything and also society influences and media and and and and and and and..................................................................................................................................<br />
the percentage/ ratio of u finding ure person out there grows slimmer. <br />
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"on a bigger playing field - u better get out there and play big"<br />
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now im not saying go a sluttin but ya gotta make sure ure not staying in one spot all the time waiting for mr/ ms right

I don't think love has been lost. I just believe that in the age of instant gratification fewer people are willing to put forth the effort into a lasting marriage. If things become too comfortable either party stops trying. Besides, I firmly believe personal values and character traits have gone down the toilet. 60 years ago in school we used to have manners and morals as part of the curriculum in school. Now we don't have it to the same degree if at all. So if children who were not taught the importance of honesty, comitment, integrity, and hard work etc then how can they keep the wheels turning in a marriage. If our divorce rate is 50% now I expect it to be higher in 10 years if things don't seriously chance. <br />
Another thing, there are too many outlets to spark people's interest. With social networking sites like FB or myspace or even texting there are just too many distractions. <br />
I do believe people get married too young. And then people change and then they no longer want to be together. Not to be a pessimist but if people do not make a greater effort to tolerate and really meant it when they say "unconditional love" then the divorce rate will continue to rise.

Well.. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that when young people marry they think they're never going to change. I think the probable trick to a marriage is to understand the other person well, love them and respect them for it, and understand they might evolve through the years. <br />
My boyfriends parents met when they were respectively 26 and 18, and now, at 52 and 43, they're still together and have four kids. So I guess it's just a gamble. It really depends if you have a deep acceptance and understanding of the other person, and you're not loving just your perception of them.

Married too young is one of many possible simple -cause to effect- reasons. There are periods in our lives where our job determines our lifestyle and how we go about our day...that can change and change everything along with it.<br />
My parents married to young, I married while under the influence of the military lifestyle that comes with that job. Both failed.<br />
We divorced people can't tell a married couple which road is the right road to go down, but we each know one or two of the wrong ones.

Love is lost

I met my husband when I was 14. We got together the month of my 18th birthday. Got pregnant when we was 18, had a baby and got married at 19. In 5 months we will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary and I love this man more now than I did when we had that retarded "he is the only one on earth" teenage love. We have been through so much B.S!! Drug abuse, physical abuse on both of our parts, we even split up for 2 months and started seeing other people. But there is no one on this planet that could ever measure up to my husband and the love we have for each other. The thing is our love for each other out weighed all the other things that tried to come between us. We are stronger AND totally different people than we were back in our high school days. We have 3 beautiful daughters (all 16 months apart). And I have never been more happy in my entire life. My parents also got divorced when I was a small child, and made our life a living hell. I will fight tooth and nail for my marriage. There is nothing in this world that would cause me to divorce my husband, or ever want another man. There is no doubt in my mind that my husband is the only man on earth that God designed only for me, and I plan on spending every day of my life with him.

The Question needs to be asked: What is the cause?????<br />
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I thought Marriage was a Legal Contract! Can;t we sue our wives for breach of contract when they divorce us, or vis versa?<br />
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What's wrong with this "Marriage Picture"? I need some answers? I've been divorced 3 times. And, not one of the Judges said nothing about the Legal Contract being violated.<br />
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I think.... If Divorce was against the Law, there would be fewer marriages, which means, perhaps, no more divorces. What say you???????

It takes both parties to have any kind of successfull relationship. If one does not feel that they are being heard/understood or such then resent will start to set in. Communication is the key. If both parties are open and honest with each other and willing to grow tofether then things should be fine. But in todays society we are very much into the "ME" zone. What I want, when I want it and so on. When we only think of me then there is little chance for anything to succeed whether that is a marrage, a friendship, co-workers or a complete stranger. We need to communicate, be open and think of others.<br />
I fully believe that there can be great relationships out there but it's hard work and all parties need to be involved. Don't give up on love.

hi little lady, i think peoples idea of marriage is so different from the reality it is a shock to most what they signed up for and what they get are totally different. i do think getting married young is a big mistake it rarely works.i think these days its harder, weddings have become big Busness, and dont even mention the blood sucking lawyers. lol terry i hope whatever you decide makes you happy. terry

i got married when i was young, but that's not why i got divorced. i was married for 13 yrs. I decided I couldn't go thru what I did and I couldn't our children thru that pain. And now I'm doing so much better. It depends on the people who are married and what their situation is. My parents divorced when i was 12 but remarried years later and are still happily married

i got married when i was young, but that's not why i got divorced. i was married for 13 yrs. I decided I couldn't go thru what I did and I couldn't our children thru that pain. And now I'm doing so much better. It depends on the people who are married and what their situation is. My parents divorced when i was 12 but remarried years later and are still happily married

actually the math is all wrong. 53% divorce rate does not necessarily mean more than half the marriage partners will divorce. it only means 53% divorce. many of those divorce and remarry and divorce again...therefore most marriages stay together actually.

I got married when I was 25. I didn't then, and don't now, feel that "Marriage" is anything but a ceremony and some documents. The only reason I got married is because my parents put a lot of pressure on us to "do the right thing." What I didn't realize at that time was that "the right thing" for me is different than "the right thing" for other people. My ex husband is still my very best friend. We have a son together and we will always be a big part of each other's lives. But we weren't ready to get married and when I look back on it, I really resent my parents for their roll in that very bad decision.<br />
I agree that that the risk of divorce goes up as age goes down. I tell my son to put his passion into the things he is interested in, into educating himself, and experiencing the amazing things this life has to offer. I teach him how to make goals and the joy of reaching them. I tell him that before he can spend his life with someone else, he has to make something of himself and his life. I tell him that he will make a wonderful husband and father one day and that if he catches his dreams first, then he'll have the time and energy to help his children catch theirs one day too.<br />
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I think people are enamoured by the romance of the idea of marriage. I think so many young people rush into it without having throught about what it really means to be married. When you are married, you have friends together. You don't take off on Friday nights to party with your boys anymore. This idea that it's supposed to work like that is just ridiculous. When you get married, you ARE no longer single and you certainly don't go hang out with your single friends and act like you are. Your marriage is something you respect and handle carefully. When you make that committment, you are not just saying " I will be with you forever" you are making a committment to not put yourself in situations that put your marriage at risk. If you go into marriage without some serious thought on what it means, then you're definitly screwed. It is not to be taken lightly....and therein lies the problem with our high failure rates. People aren't taking it seriously. Marriage means "single behavior" is OVER. No more hitting on cute girls in clubs or work or the grocery store. No more flirting with your boss, or the cute guy at the movie store. Getting married means you love and RESPECT your relationship enough to act like it every day for the rest of your lives. It's pretty heavy.<br />
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I have the passion and love and strength to be a wife again to the right man. But I don't think I will EVER get married again. It's not the heavy responsibility or anything like that. It's that I don't know if there is anyone else out there who can handle it. I have very little faith in that.

I call in to question your numbers though. Ever heard that statistics lie?<br />
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Divorcerate.com indicates that 41% of first marriages end in divorce...so if it is your first time around for both of you odds are good. If you want to improve your odds even more have kids. Only 1/3 of the couples calling it quits have children.<br />
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I am married. I would hate to have missed out on it...no matter what happens in the future I am so glad to have had the time so far. Maybe I am just one of the lucky majority though...<br />
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Ps) those statistics do seem to bear out that a later marriage does lead to a better probability of success.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...COMMON INTERESTS...passions in life will keep you together. If you don't SHARE any passions, then it's more effort than it's worth. Find someone who you can laugh with, talk with, DO THINGS with...SHARE your COMMON goals and desires with each other. And just for the record, sex doesn't count for 100% of it, it has to out of the bedroom as well. <br />
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So, think about something you LOVE to do or something you always had a passion for. Now, be realistic and ask yourself if this is something your significant other also has a passion for...and I mean passion, not just a flimsy interest that may fade over time...a passion, got it? :)<br />
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Good luck.

Been married a 'couple' of times. All of those times, in 20/20 hindsight were for the wrong reasons. The person that mentioned getting involved in a relationship, where booze is a constant element, generally the relationship will certainly end in a disaster. A drunk person is not the real person, that you will get to know later on, if they ever manage to get sober. Some people marry repeatedly due to the main fact they are simply afraid to be alone, in this world. Especially true of a woman on her own with children to raise. That is a scary place to be, with all the responsibility on her shoulders alone. So many times a woman with children, that get no support, from their X, will settle for any man that comes along, and shows interest in her. Bad thinking, especially if the man, doesn't include her children in the marriage vows. This situation is worse on the children than on either of the adults. Some people simply get married, because our world has programmed us to do so. From the time we were little, that was what we saw as the 'norm', at least for those of us that grew up in the 50's, 60' and 70's. I suppose since I have been married a "couple' of times, that I really don't see the sense in it at all. All I have ever witnessed, is that one person or the other will become disillusioned and unhappy, so one or the other is going to get hurt very badly. But to anyone that has married and has stayed happy for years, I hold a candle up to you, as that is quite an accomplishment to be very proud of.

I got married when I was 19 and he was 22. That was 10 years ago. I think the main thing that makes it so easy for us is not having kids. Our friends who have divorced seemed to be about differences in raising the kids. Also, although we have many common interests we do have differences of opinion. We can have great conversations and debates and really stimulate each other mentally and emotionally. We never fight and have a great time together. <br />
I don't really believe in marriage. I got married because I was young and felt pressured to do it by my mother. I just wanted us to move in together. I have never felt any more or less commited to our relationship because of being married. I also don't think love should be hard. I don't believe in couple's counseling or anything. We agree that if it gets that hard we take a break or walk away. <br />
A couple of my friends will probably end up divorced. They have gotten married when they shouldn't have. Not because they know divorce is a pretty easy option, but I think because they thought that being married was somehow going to repair a broken relationship.<br />
As far as sexless marriage, nobody should have to have that. As a woman I think men sometimes focus on themselves too much in terms of what they can do or are doing wrong. Instead of trying to be romantic or caring or figuring out what else you can do, maybe help her to figure out what is going on with herself. Maybe it isn't about how she feels toward you, maybe it's about how she feeld toward herself. Low self esteem or depression and such can really wreck it for a woman.

Th eproblem is that priorties change with time, and what you liked about your spouse in your 20's may not be necessary important to you in your 30's and 40's. Let's say you like your bf or gf because they are funny caring, etc. You get married and then his career becomes an important thing (new priority) and spends 12 hours a day at work, and gradually you grow apart, but of course this doesn't happen to everyone.

I've been married for 15 years. My husband and I no longer have anything in common other than our three kids. We went to marriage counseling, it didn't other work than get us to stop arguing. Now we live like room mates with children. We have a 9 1/2 year age difference (I'm younger). He's a pothead. I'm not. <br />
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I do believe that doing things together is very important in sharing common interests and making the marriage last. I have noticed in friends/family with long lasting marriages, they all do things together, have date nights and still make time for each other.

I've said it before and I'll say it again....<br />
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COMMON INTERESTS...that is what will keep two people together...if you like painting for example, find someone who also has a passion for it, not just a mere interest..a passion...then you are certain to share your passion of painting in life. The more passions you share, the greater the chance of success and becoming best friends.<br />
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Think about what life was like when you were a kid...running around your neighborhood...you had friends that you played with...the same rule applies...who do you want to play with for the rest of your life? Duh...someone that wants to do the same things as you! Just be sure that they are passions!!! Not just a flimsy interest that may fade over time...a passion....understand? :)

I got married at 20 years old. This month, in fact, I will have been married for a third of my life! I think divorce rates are higher simply because divorce is more acceptable now than it was in previous generations. Not because people were happier back then.<br />
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Having said this, I think that the reason that my husband and I are staying so strongly together, is because we are in love, and continue to do the little things, and listen to each other.<br />
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MOST importantly, though.. you've got to be friends first. Really... if you're not marrying your BEST FRIEND, you shouldn't get married. Bottom line.

I think there are so many factors. One is lack of communication and working together. One is people get married for the wrong reasons. Another is media, and its portrayal of love and relationships.<br />
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Selfishness is a huge part of it too. Our society encourages selfishness. Whether it comes from new parenting standards, or our idea that the 'customer is always right', we've turned into a bunch of whiners who think we deserve whatever we desire. <br />
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Also, a lot of people look for a love where their initial 'love high' stays throughout the entire relationship. The need to realize a different type of love, and that commitment can spark some of these same feelings if they work at it.<br />
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But, divorce is the right option if you are in a marriage where you are the only one working at the relationship.

I too have been divorced a couple times and I'm not sure what it is. I think that husband and wife just don't do enough fun things together. Men go to work and make their friends and want to hang out with them and go fishing, hunting, etc. Also it seems people have a hard time learning to be happy with what they have, instead of always looking for something more or something they think is better. I think the most important thing in a relationship though is spending quality time together. That would help keep you together.

Most of your case is presented as what other people do with only one "half-reason". <br />
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The "we were too young" is a "half-reason" because it's a catch-all for people that didn't mature to the point of knowing how and why you enter into marriage. And so they got married for the wrong kind of reasons...unsustainable reasons like lust, excitement, comfort, partner-in-crime (addiction activity like drinking, sex, inter-dependence based in lack of social and emotional development). <br />
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"Growing in your 20's" is probably more like, "one of us is growing and the other isn't and both of us has great reasons to justify ourselves and tear the other down for our frustration or anticipation of the other abandoning what our relationship used to center around". Many people don't know what things are important because they're going on purely emotional reactions and not the implications of personal values and actions. Knowing how to live with someone, not on top of them or inside them(both figuratively and literally) is also key. Two lives in concert, not unison, is how it's supposed to go at times, and sharing and growing and acting as soundingboard and reminder, that's the rest of the time.<br />
So you're supposed to grow as individuals...together, and learn how to do this as you go. <br />
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53% is still only 3% away from 50%. And you seem to be seeing just about -all- married people you know as participating in marriage-doubting behaviour? You need to get out of that social strata and surround yourself with better people. Try hangin out with people that don't start their socializing with alcohol (heard of the term "a social drunk"... if you're not sober you're not really there).

I came from divorced parents as well, and my dad is on his 2nd marriage and its not a good one really. I think part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is people do get married too young. You really are toyoung if you are still in your 20's,(in most cases anyways) because you do, do so much changing during that time ad that the tim you are trying to figure out life and survive in the real world. My views on love have soften, there is true love that last a lifetime (there was a time I thought I never say that,lol) but with that said is a a very rare occurrence. And the divorce rate is also prob. so high is because people rush into marriage, I have several friends who deiced to get married after knowing the person less than a year, and that really isn't long enough.

First off I do like what doorsinmymind said about people living longer and times chaning.<br />
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My parents divoreced when I was 6 and my dad has remarried twice, and about to be 3, and my mom is now married to her 2nd.<br />
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I see marrage as s purely religious ritual practice, and some tax benefits I guess. It shouldn't take the threat of court orders and fines to keep people married. It may just ake someone people longer to know if their partner is a match. Why should we date for this long, get engaged for so long, and then get married for for ever? I know I have yet to be completely honest with any girl I meet right off the bat. The deeper seated the personal defects are the longer they take to come out. A "for life" marriage is almost a survival instinct of people. Before there was no custody court, or child support (in a time when women just plain didn't work). <br />
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As for two people without children the situation and explination becomes even more straitforward. I will ignore cheating on one another, because this is for purely personal reasons, but the rest of these relationships would end in a difference of opinions. Whether to save money, should both of you get a job, or what ever. All of that is understandble though. Unless the two people are raised in nearly identical backgrounds you can't expect every belief, no matter how mundane, to line up perfectly.

Another thing to consider is that the world is much different than when the institution of marriage was formed. <br />
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First off, people didn't live as long. Just 100 years ago, the average life expectancy was 42 years. Our economy was a farm economy and most people were focused on surviving. How hard is it to keep a marriage when all you have in life is to marry someone at 18, have several kids, work like a dog on the farm, then die?<br />
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Nowadays, we live well into our 70's, 80's, and 90's. We have a lot more leisure time and interests. Our lifestyles, wants and needs change over time. Are you still liking the things you liked at 20 when you are 50? Chances are that you arent', and your spouse isn't either. Chances are even stronger that you may not be liking the same new things as your spouse. I truly believe that marriage as a lifetime institution is going away. <br />
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Serial monogamy is "in."

Some where a long the way the marital vows, contract, and even the actual act of marriage has just lost it's real meaning. I think that in todays society the long lasting marital relationship is no longer valued as it was in our parents time. The stigma of divorce is not as strong, and really should have never been. People are less afraid of making the decision to get a divorce and are understanding that life is short and precious and that if we are not properly matched with our spouse then we should not waste time staying in a lost cause. I think that there are so many commitments and distractions in our every day life, that it is difficult to spend the necessary time cultivating and nurturing our relationships. There is so much competition for our time: work, children, children's sports and activities, tv shows, church, friends/families, and so on, that by the time we are able to find moments for each other we are just exhausted. A relationship is really like a beautiful garden of flowers, with out time and nurturing they will not bloom and give you the outcome that you desire. Our relationships will not prosper without time, love, and giving. I also seem to be so baffled and out of touch when I try to wrap my head around all of the things missing in my marriage and then the rest of the worlds marriages since that is my profession. It is really so very difficult. Many of the things that I wrote I am not really agreeing with for my own response to marriage. These statements are more generalities that I see and hear very frequently. I do believe in marriage and the vows and the commitment to the love, romantic, comunicative, and so on of the long lasting marriage relationship. My spouse is lacking the desire to show her commitment, which really is a mis-match of our own needs and wants.

I'm feeling very cynical at the moment, and this story didn't change that. As has been often mentioned, both persons need to work on a relationship to make it work (to make it good, and passionate).<br />
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Is it just me, or does it seem that the more one wants it (romance, intimacy, you name it), and the harder they work, it seems the other distances themselves even further, even works to make sure it doesn't happen?<br />
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I think many of us are shaking our head, what is wrong with our spouses? Many of thought it was just us until we came to this site. Check the members and stories on I live in a sexless marriage.<br />
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Is true love lost forever? It seems there are very few couples where both are willing to do the work, simply to act loving and be considerate of the other person. My brain truely begins to melt as I ponder why so many are unwilling.<br />
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A thought just popped into my brain. Maybe it's not that they are unwilling to do the work, maybe they are too selfish to make the sacrifices required?<br />
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We are told to be happy and self fulfilled and are given so many options (career, kids, religion, volunteer, etc) that many people don't want or need the marriage relationship because it takes more self-sacrifice than the other options?<br />
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??? these are questions, I do not have answers, I am in excrutiating pain just like the rest of you, and my mind tries to find some rationale for irrational behavior. my brain is melting....

I certainly agree with all the above. Especially about marrying too young. It is so couple specific. I was married at an extremely young age 20. I have changed so much since then, but I have not fallen out of love with my wife, or even out of lust. She seems to have changed in both of those areas. I love her, and would love the chance to make love with her, but she has refused sex from me for over 2 years now. She is also not very communicative and just does not enjoy going out or doing a lot of things with me as a couple. I have tried with all I have in me to continue to be romantic, loveing and caring, but it gets so hard when there is no reciprocation. It is difficult to be the only one that is really working hard on saving the relationship. I long for love, touch, and closeness with my wife, but she is just not feeling the same things. So I have to begin to wonder were it goes from here, thus why I got involved with this particular forum in EP. I appreciate the fact that we have this chance to post and share feelings.

I have heard of high school sweet hearts being married 50 yrs. It all depends on how muh effort you put into keeping your marriage young and exciting. DONT LET IT GET COMFY OR COMPLACENT. keep doing little things that make you smile even if its a note on a pillow that says i love you or a cup of tea in the icebox ready for you to heat or just drink cold. that is the key to a long lasting marriage i think I jsut learned it tooo late. Maybe to late anyway I dont know yet