I Am Very Curious....

I have heard of high school sweet hearts being married 50 yrs. It all depends on how muh effort you put into keeping your marriage young and exciting. DONT LET IT GET COMFY OR COMPLACENT. keep doing little things that make you smile even if its a note on a pillow that says i love you or a cup of tea in the icebox ready for you to heat or just drink cold. that is the key to a long lasting marriage i think I jsut learned it tooo late. Maybe to late anyway I dont know yet

I certainly agree with all the above. Especially about marrying too young. It is so couple specific. I was married at an extremely young age 20. I have changed so much since then, but I have not fallen out of love with my wife, or even out of lust. She seems to have changed in both of those areas. I love her, and would love the chance to make love with her, but she has refused sex from me for over 2 years now. She is also not very communicative and just does not enjoy going out or doing a lot of things with me as a couple. I have tried with all I have in me to continue to be romantic, loveing and caring, but it gets so hard when there is no reciprocation. It is difficult to be the only one that is really working hard on saving the relationship. I long for love, touch, and closeness with my wife, but she is just not feeling the same things. So I have to begin to wonder were it goes from here, thus why I got involved with this particular forum in EP. I appreciate the fact that we have this chance to post and share feelings.

I'm feeling very cynical at the moment, and this story didn't change that. As has been often mentioned, both persons need to work on a relationship to make it work (to make it good, and passionate).

Is it just me, or does it seem that the more one wants it (romance, intimacy, you name it), and the harder they work, it seems the other distances themselves even further, even works to make sure it doesn't happen?

I think many of us are shaking our head, what is wrong with our spouses? Many of thought it was just us until we came to this site. Check the members and stories on I live in a sexless marriage.

Is true love lost forever? It seems there are very few couples where both are willing to do the work, simply to act loving and be considerate of the other person. My brain truely begins to melt as I ponder why so many are unwilling.

A thought just popped into my brain. Maybe it's not that they are unwilling to do the work, maybe they are too selfish to make the sacrifices required?

We are told to be happy and self fulfilled and are given so many options (career, kids, religion, volunteer, etc) that many people don't want or need the marriage relationship because it takes more self-sacrifice than the other options?

??? these are questions, I do not have answers, I am in excrutiating pain just like the rest of you, and my mind tries to find some rationale for irrational behavior. my brain is melting....

Some where a long the way the marital vows, contract, and even the actual act of marriage has just lost it's real meaning. I think that in todays society the long lasting marital relationship is no longer valued as it was in our parents time. The stigma of divorce is not as strong, and really should have never been. People are less afraid of making the decision to get a divorce and are understanding that life is short and precious and that if we are not properly matched with our spouse then we should not waste time staying in a lost cause. I think that there are so many commitments and distractions in our every day life, that it is difficult to spend the necessary time cultivating and nurturing our relationships. There is so much competition for our time: work, children, children's sports and activities, tv shows, church, friends/families, and so on, that by the time we are able to find moments for each other we are just exhausted. A relationship is really like a beautiful garden of flowers, with out time and nurturing they will not bloom and give you the outcome that you desire. Our relationships will not prosper without time, love, and giving. I also seem to be so baffled and out of touch when I try to wrap my head around all of the things missing in my marriage and then the rest of the worlds marriages since that is my profession. It is really so very difficult. Many of the things that I wrote I am not really agreeing with for my own response to marriage. These statements are more generalities that I see and hear very frequently. I do believe in marriage and the vows and the commitment to the love, romantic, comunicative, and so on of the long lasting marriage relationship. My spouse is lacking the desire to show her commitment, which really is a mis-match of our own needs and wants.

Another thing to consider is that the world is much different than when the institution of marriage was formed.

First off, people didn't live as long. Just 100 years ago, the average life expectancy was 42 years. Our economy was a farm economy and most people were focused on surviving. How hard is it to keep a marriage when all you have in life is to marry someone at 18, have several kids, work like a dog on the farm, then die?

Nowadays, we live well into our 70's, 80's, and 90's. We have a lot more leisure time and interests. Our lifestyles, wants and needs change over time. Are you still liking the things you liked at 20 when you are 50? Chances are that you arent', and your spouse isn't either. Chances are even stronger that you may not be liking the same new things as your spouse. I truly believe that marriage as a lifetime institution is going away.

Serial monogamy is "in."

First off I do like what doorsinmymind said about people living longer and times chaning.

My parents divoreced when I was 6 and my dad has remarried twice, and about to be 3, and my mom is now married to her 2nd.

I see marrage as s purely religious ritual practice, and some tax benefits I guess. It shouldn't take the threat of court orders and fines to keep people married. It may just ake someone people longer to know if their partner is a match. Why should we date for this long, get engaged for so long, and then get married for for ever? I know I have yet to be completely honest with any girl I meet right off the bat. The deeper seated the personal defects are the longer they take to come out. A "for life" marriage is almost a survival instinct of people. Before there was no custody court, or child support (in a time when women just plain didn't work).

As for two people without children the situation and explination becomes even more straitforward. I will ignore cheating on one another, because this is for purely personal reasons, but the rest of these relationships would end in a difference of opinions. Whether to save money, should both of you get a job, or what ever. All of that is understandble though. Unless the two people are raised in nearly identical backgrounds you can't expect every belief, no matter how mundane, to line up perfectly.

I came from divorced parents as well, and my dad is on his 2nd marriage and its not a good one really. I think part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is people do get married too young. You really are toyoung if you are still in your 20's,(in most cases anyways) because you do, do so much changing during that time ad that the tim you are trying to figure out life and survive in the real world. My views on love have soften, there is true love that last a lifetime (there was a time I thought I never say that,lol) but with that said is a a very rare occurrence. And the divorce rate is also prob. so high is because people rush into marriage, I have several friends who deiced to get married after knowing the person less than a year, and that really isn't long enough.

Most of your case is presented as what other people do with only one "half-reason".

The "we were too young" is a "half-reason" because it's a catch-all for people that didn't mature to the point of knowing how and why you enter into marriage. And so they got married for the wrong kind of reasons...unsustainable reasons like lust, excitement, comfort, partner-in-crime (addiction activity like drinking, sex, inter-dependence based in lack of social and emotional development).

"Growing in your 20's" is probably more like, "one of us is growing and the other isn't and both of us has great reasons to justify ourselves and tear the other down for our frustration or anticipation of the other abandoning what our relationship used to center around". Many people don't know what things are important because they're going on purely emotional reactions and not the implications of personal values and actions. Knowing how to live with someone, not on top of them or inside them(both figuratively and literally) is also key. Two lives in concert, not unison, is how it's supposed to go at times, and sharing and growing and acting as soundingboard and reminder, that's the rest of the time.
So you're supposed to grow as individuals...together, and learn how to do this as you go.

53% is still only 3% away from 50%. And you seem to be seeing just about -all- married people you know as participating in marriage-doubting behaviour? You need to get out of that social strata and surround yourself with better people. Try hangin out with people that don't start their socializing with alcohol (heard of the term "a social drunk"... if you're not sober you're not really there).

I too have been divorced a couple times and I'm not sure what it is. I think that husband and wife just don't do enough fun things together. Men go to work and make their friends and want to hang out with them and go fishing, hunting, etc. Also it seems people have a hard time learning to be happy with what they have, instead of always looking for something more or something they think is better. I think the most important thing in a relationship though is spending quality time together. That would help keep you together.

I think there are so many factors. One is lack of communication and working together. One is people get married for the wrong reasons. Another is media, and its portrayal of love and relationships.

Selfishness is a huge part of it too. Our society encourages selfishness. Whether it comes from new parenting standards, or our idea that the 'customer is always right', we've turned into a bunch of whiners who think we deserve whatever we desire.

Also, a lot of people look for a love where their initial 'love high' stays throughout the entire relationship. The need to realize a different type of love, and that commitment can spark some of these same feelings if they work at it.

But, divorce is the right option if you are in a marriage where you are the only one working at the relationship.