The Bellydance AnalogyThis story explains how I came to understand and embrace differentiation in my marriage. After I understood this, I no longer felt conflicted about whether to stay or go.
I have been a bellydancer for nearly 8 years. It is a huge part of my life, and it brings me an immense amount of joy. It has also brought me to deep levels of self-acceptance and love that I did not think possible. Dancing is the one thing in my life that forces me to live totally in the moment, and comes from a place of pure beauty and ex
My marriage counselor (Dr. A) asked me about my bellydancing – when I perform, where does the ex
This is what Dr. A was trying to get me to understand. I need to be in my marriage the same way I bellydance. If my H stares at his plate, I still have to dance. If he is uncomfortable, I don't stop dancing. If I quit dancing, and turn off my joy and passion, he is controlling me. And I am then not living authentically. In my marriage, I have to be the sexy, seductive, quirky, creative person that I know I am, and not apologize for it. My husband can react by being threatened by it --“stare at the plate”, so to speak or he can engage with me as I truly am. Regardless, he needs to see who I really am. Regardless of how he reacts, I know I am being true to myself.
Now, if he doesn’t engage and celebrate and love me for who I truly am (brainy sexy bellydancer), it will be unfortunate, it will be disappointing, but I will be 100% sure that he is not the right person for me. Being authentic, putting in the best bellydance of my life, and not being afraid of his reaction/disapproval is *the only way* I will be sure.
Much to my surprise, his reaction so far to this approach has been nothing but positive. He is no longer staring at his plate. He seems to be delighted by the real me. As a couple, we are making tiny incremental improvements. I feel unburdened, unafraid, and strong in my resolve to one thing only: being me. I have to find the strength in myself to do the dance. It doesn’t matter how he reacted in the past, or how he reacts now…up to a point. If he checks out again, I will know exactly what to do. But I won’t stop dancing – I will just dance right out the door, and find the table that is smiling and clapping.
So I am committed to staying – for now – while I live this new differentiated role in my relationship. It is a complete and utter revelation. I am dancing my best, truest, most seductive dance. This is the way I will be sure. And no matter the outcome, I know I have acted from a place of Truth.