Stay Or LeaveDay 1 – 1/14/12
Yesterday I told Him that I couldn’t take his dishonesty anymore and I thought we needed to separate for a while. I was dumbfounded that he didn’t deny his wrongdoings. I was surprised at how strong I was about it. Does that mean I don’t want to be with him anymore??? I don’t know what I want. Maybe the conversation came easy for me because it has been weighing on me for a while. I almost feel kind of calm about it – I don’t really have any feelings about it I guess…..it’s probably too early, nothing has sunk in yet and quite honestly I’m enjoying the peace and quiet. I cry and get sad but it’s not because I miss him, it’s because I’m hurt by what he’s done. He hasn’t said much at all. Of course, he’s tried to say all the right things…he loves me….he wants to be with me…..but he didn’t say he would stop, and he certainly didn’t address the “kim” situation when I brought it up – just like always. It’s not what he said, it’s what he didn’t say that told me a lot. I think maybe he didn’t forsee this or think I would ever leave. I have no idea what is going to happen after this initial 30 days, I’m sure I’ll cave and just go home and put up with it – only to be back in this same place I’m feeling in another few months. Exactly the cycle I’m trying to break. I think I need someone to help me through this but how in the world will I have the time to go talk to someone? Why can’t there be counselors open at 9pm at night?
Day 2 – 1/15/12 (morning)
I’m really angry today. I felt compelled to look at his FB account, and then the pictures and notes I have been collecting, and then came across a blog about why men cheat and I’m just sitting here, not getting any work done and I’m pissed. I don’t want to be back together. Nothing is going to change. He would only be on his best behavior for a little while and then it’s going to go back to the same ole’ stuff. Why? Because like the blog said – he’s a guy and guys need to do things like this, no matter how great the person is they are with. It’s a switch they can’t turn off. So fine, I will just be single. He and I can be friends (with no benefits of course because that would be too difficult emotionally) and I’ll just find someone else to talk to with no strings attached. No idea where I’ll find this person but I’ll be damnned if he is going to be single and go sleep with whomever he wants and I’m just going to be single sitting at home. No way.
(evening). I’ve been crying all day. Going back and forth between being angry and crying. I couldn’t quite figure out why I was so sad. I think I know…..I think I’m crying because I know deep down inside it’s over. I’m used to walking away from relationships and not looking back. In one sense I think I can do that, but I know I will have to stay connected with him for a long time because of the kids. That makes it hard. Even if we were able to make it work – really? What kind of relationship would that be? I’m not sure that I will ever be able to trust him again. So I guess that brings me back to my original problem I’m trying to solve: do I want to put up with it? Even if he tells me he’s going to change, and says & does all the right things – I know I won’t trust him. I know that I will need find it in myself to understand & accept that he is just going to do those things. THAT is what I don’t think I have in me. I’m so upset that my life has been disrupted. I told him that I’m trying hard to take my share of responsibility here but I just can’t see what it is. Sure I could be thinner, cuter and more exciting like I was when I was younger – but life is different now. I have a harder job, I have more kids, I’m older. How can I compete with temptation?
Day 3 – 1/16/12
I am so stupid. I came home for dinner with plans to stay the night since we will likely get snowed in the next few days and I need to be home with the kids so D can go to work. I had a weak moment and we had sex. The sex was passionate, loving, exciting – absolutely wonderful, but damnit – all I did is give him what he wanted and now can just be bop along about his business and keep doing the same ole thing. What’s going to change if I keep doing this? I’ll sleep on the couch and he’ll just go lay in bed feeling satisfied and content that he can continue to have his cake and eat it too. I’m so stupid – this can’t happen again.
Day 4 – 1/17/12
I am so confused. Being housebound because of the snow, makes me feel like everything is normal and now I feel like an idiot for paying for a hotel. So, what? After the snow is gone I’m supposed to now say “ok – I’m leaving again”? It just feels weird and stupid. That being said, I know that if I stay it’s going to be the same cycle. For a while I will just have an “I don’t care attitude” – he can literally do whatever he wants and I really (truly) wouldn’t care. Then a few months will go by and we’ll both get comfortable in our routines again and I’ll start getting insecure, then I’ll start snooping, then (I’m sure) I’ll start finding out that he’s been doing wrong again. Then the whole thing will start over again and I’ll be back to being super depressed, not wanting to be near him and angry beyond belief. So what the heck do I do? Stick to my original plan and stay separated. The problem with that, is that I don’t think he’s doing any thinking. I think he’s just sitting back and waiting for ME to decide what I want to do (stay & put up with it, or leave). Quite frankly if I had to make up my mind this second, we would not be together. We would just be parents & friends. Sure we’d probably sleep together from time to time, but we would officially not be together. The problem is – I don’t think I could handle seeing him with someone else. I think I’m just feeling like if he’s doing his own thing – then I want to choice to do mine. I might be getting older, but I’m not old yet – so if he isn’t going to change, then I want to take advantage of what single years I have left and have my own fun. If he can – why can’t I???? I feel like a psychitzofrenic – I have so many different emotions that change from one minute to the next, but then at the same time I feel void of all emotions. What the heck is wrong with me???
Day 7 – 1/20/12
Our snow storm is over and we are no longer “house bound” – back to dealing with reality. I don’t know what to do. The past few days have been great, but of course they would be. We don’t hate each other, we get along very well. The fact that we have been together for 3 days shouldn’t change anything. He may not be doing anything wrong at the moment but that doesn’t mean he won’t. I also realized that he hasn’t once said he’s sorry…..he hasn’t once tried to talk to me about anything…..he hasn’t once explained the first question I posed to him “what makes this time different for him to change?”. If anything these past few days have shown me that the whole thing is pretty sad. We make a really good team. Can’t he see that? Can’t he see that it’s not worth throwing away because he can’t stay faithful? Or am I supposed to see this and say I should stay with him – because everything else about him is great and I should just allow him to do whatever he wants. No, No, that’s not right either. The other thing these few days have shown me is how easily we fall back into our same routines. That reinforces my thought that I’m just going to end up in the same circle we’ve been in. So do I really feel like we should break up? Or separate? Or am I trying too hard to CONVINCE myself that we should do one of those things but deep down inside I don’t feel that way? Sigh. I have NO IDEA what to do – or how to allow myself the opportunity to figure it out.
Sat 1/21 – Day 8
DejaVu – so just as I was thinking that keeping the hotel is stupid and I should just stay and make it work (aka deal with it)….I’m lying in bed last night, He is at my side with his hand on my waist and there is a red flashing light on his phone. I was CONSUMED with anxity and curiosity – what does the red light mean? Did someone text him or send him a message on FB? Is it a missed call from Kim? It’s exactly how I felt a week ago. The only difference is that the phone wasn’t within my reach for me to check. I wrestled with the idea of getting up to look, especially since D was sleeping so hard – but I didn’t. I did my best to convince myself that I don’t care, but I did – and I tossed and turned all night – imagining what it could be – what it’s been before – and woke up feeling irritable, sad, angry (at nothing??) and frustrated again at being put in this position where I have to even waste my energy on worrying if he is doing something wrong. The other thing was that he kept his hand on me the entire time he was sleeping – almost cuddling but not close enough, which is fine but he NEVER does that. Was that his way of saying he loves me so much and he’s sorry about everything…..or was that his way of keeping tabs on me to prevent me from getting up and checking his phone? Again I’m pissed that I can’t take something as simple as touching me in a loving way and accept it for something positive. Am I always going to think that everything he does has an ulterior motive? (probably). Is that fair to me (no). Is that fair to him? (not sure). Even if he’s trying to (finally) do the right thing – how discouraging is it going to be or him if I’m constantly not trusting anything at face value? Won’t he eventually give up and say “screw it”? This is my concern……if I do stay I know it’s going to take me a LONG time to get back to the point that I trust him. What if I work really hard and by the time I finally get there – he’s going to say that he’s tired of me not trusting him when he really has been trying to do the right thing all along? I don’t want to waste that time and energy. I don’t think either of us should. Sigh, one week later, back to square one. Back to prior to square one. I’m back to deciding if we should be separate or not. The other thing that dawned on me are “the signs”. Through this initial decision I was many signs that supported my feeling of being apart. Now in hindsight – the last time he left, I called him back because of the struggles with our daughter. This time I left, I came back because of the snow storm and I knew I might have to be at home with the boys. If all the other signs are telling me that we should be separate, then why each time it happens – some major event occurs that changes it? Was this time supposed to show me how well we can get along even if we are not together? Or was it telling me that we shouldn’t separate at all?