Wife Wants 2 Lovers

My wife loves me dearly, but has fallen in love with another man at the same time. This is the love story of my life and about how unexpected that story has become. The actual names have been changed to protect the individuals mentioned within.

At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I met my best friend, Jackie. I was in a very serious engagement at the time with my now former girlfriend, and informed Jackie of my love for that girl. Jackie later told me that she was upset to hear of my current attachment, but hoped for the best. However, it was not to be as I was dumped around Thanksgiving of that year. Jackie revealed her affection for me, and an unusual but highly romantic and sexual relationship quickly ensued with my future wife, Jackie.

It took me quite a while to develop true feelings for Jackie. She was really a friend with benefits, but I was exclusive to her and I wanted her to be happy. As our relationship continued, we became nearly inseparable, and she became my permanent girlfriend.

It is important to note that our relationship was far from perfect. We had our ups and downs. I spent part of the summer between my junior and senior year of college having sexual relations with my ex-girlfriend behind Jackie’s back. I felt horrible about it, but moved on without her ever knowing until I told her years later. Jackie and I took a break from our relationship during my senior year for a week, and I invited my ex-girlfriend up to college with me for a few days for yet another intimate encounter. However, this time, Jackie knew about us. Despite Jackie’s heartbreak over potentially losing me, the love of her life, and my dissatisfaction with the activities going on in my life, we chose each other in the end.

After nearly four years of dating, I proposed to her during her senior year of college. After she graduated, she moved in with me at my parent’s house. We were together again; I swore to myself that I would never leave her or hurt her again. I made my choice to be with her forever.

We have been married for eight years, and have known each other for thirteen. We have a beautiful daughter, a house, and a great life together. We have well established roles both within and outside the home, and our system works beautifully for both of us. However, the last couple of years have been rather tough. There have been personal and financial issues, we discussed separation on several occasions, but we consistently choose each other even after the worst of times. Despite numerous opportunities, I have stayed faithful throughout all eight years of marriage.

Approaching our eight-year anniversary, Jackie was pursued by a dominant man, George. He saw a golden opportunity to pursue Jackie, an ultra-submissive, through an online relationship. The two met with a group of guys and saw a movie together. The pair quickly became very close friends and a romance ensued. Jackie found comfort in George through their comment interests, their love of kinky play, and each complimented the other in creative ways.

While initially reluctant, Jackie quickly developed a strong connection to George. She became his Princess and he her Daddy. They utilized this relationship both in fantasy and during regular conversation. Their private online chat games quickly develop into a full fantasy chat game where both parties setup times to investigate their sexual interests. After a few short weeks, George has near complete control of Jackie without my knowledge.

I initially became suspicious when Jackie left her online account open several mornings in a row, revealing some bizarre conversations. Becoming quite suspicious, I confronted Jackie about the online relationship. She admitted to being involved in a friendly sexual fantasy situation with another man, but assured me that it was innocent and no cheating was involved. Upon further investigation, I discovered that regular texting sessions had been occurring via cell phones, and that they had called each other during the day to further their relationship. Despite my concerns, I allow George, Jackie and my daughter to go on a museum date together.

To further complicate the issue, I find out that they have both expressed a love connection and he even created a weblog for her professing his romantic and sexual desires to her. I continue to confront her on all of the issues involved. I fear I will lose my wife despite how much our relationship has actually improved through all of this. I finally express my extreme dissatisfaction about the whole situation. She tells me that she loves him, but in a different way than me. He is poly and has multiple women. All women involved are apparently knowledgeable about George’s other relationships and accepting of them.

I finally find the courage to meet him in person. I made contact with George and we setup a meeting relatively close to his home. He is an astonishingly nice and interesting individual. He is quite unique in his take on life, but noticeably cautious and analytical in his conversation. What can I say? My wife does have good taste! We have pleasantries before I lay down three vital ground rules and state my hope for the near future: stay out of my bedroom, don’t play with my ‘toys’, my daughter comes first above all else, and I hope that no matter what happens, he and I can retain our friendship. Thus begins the next chapter in this whole escapade: a new friendship with George.

We began an extensive texting relationship asking all kinds of questions on almost every subject under the sun. We share many commonalities. Yet, there is something about his style and demeanor that seems inconsistent, somewhat suspicious.

Words cannot begin to describe this individual. He is like no one I have ever met before. He is brilliant in almost every way, has travelled extensively, has excellent taste in firearms, obsessed with studying and writing about philosophy and scholarly literature, and has owned companies and held many high paying positions in the information technology world. He has his own house that he lives in by himself. He makes me quite nervous, but I am so intrigued by his perspectives.

Although I deny my wife, Jackie, the opportunity to go out alone with him, against all better judgments, I allow George, Jackie and my daughter to again go out together. This time, they choose a location much closer to my house. I later found out that they made out, she touched him sexually, and that he had his hands all over her the entire time. He has some fetishes that she is slowly attempting to satisfy.

I later met with him again over a couple drinks and dinner. He informs me of his deep love for Jackie, and his caring love for my daughter as well. He asks me when he is allowed to take Jackie out without my daughter. He even requests my approval for a full sexual relationship with my wife. I give him some vague estimates, and he asks for something a little sooner if possible. That was my first major source of suspicion since it was George who had been emphasizing a slower pace approach.

Only a few days later, I told Jackie that she had to choose between me and him. The poly concept was not going to work since I refused to share her with another man. I was terrified of destroying my marriage and losing my wife. She chose me over him via a phone conversation and he immediately began begging to have her back in his life. He was not trying to take her from me. He only wanted a couple days or nights a month, partly because of distance.

I know he loves her and his life would suffer without her. George and I have since maintained a friendship. Jackie and George also maintain a friendship as she had originally wanted. But George has confided in me that he and Jackie are still lovers - that they can never again be just friends. For him, it is all or nothing.

Another issue is that although he seems harmless, he also has expressed minor threats towards me for keeping him from Jackie. Although technically speaking she could see him whenever she wants, she has chosen not to do so unless I give her full permission. She has chosen me and I respect that.

Now for the really weird part… I am also very sympathetic towards George. He did not intrude, nor did he cross the line with her. He has been very sympathetic and patient. He told me one time, “Mark, if I had one wish…it would be that you encourage her to date me.” He has told me all about his shenanigans with others in the past, and all about how he went through an “ethical earthquake” while studying philosophy. He “swore off married women” a few years ago. But Jackie is perfect for him in every way. She is everything he has ever dreamed about. She is his intellectual and sexually stimulating equal, and according to George, “the one person who makes him feel most human.” They both satisfy each other’s needs.

I have read his materials, his love letters, his blogs, and his messages. I hear the way he talks to her and about her. I am truly jealous, not of him, but that he probably loves her more than I do and is a better lover than I. But he does not want to take her away from me. He wants to satisfy her need to have both of us. Mark as the provider and “big daddy dragon,” and George as the “daddy” for fantasy play and as her “prime rib and crème brulee” as she calls him.

I am at a total loss. I don’t want to share my wife at all with anyone. I feel I should not have to. We made a marriage agreement to stay faithful to each other. I am not poly. I don’t want to be forced into a poly relationship. However, my wife is. I want to make her happy, but this arrangement with George would kill me. I have considered walking away from marriage and she begged for me not to. She has chosen me, but only in words. She still wants him too. I don’t want anyone to get hurt over this.
tornhusband tornhusband
31-35, M
5 Responses May 10, 2012

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Do not share. It is something completely wrong. We just invent some stupid solgans to do our mistakes. Believe me you will lose a lot.

You all are great people. We are born to learn to love. In time love have evolved and translates in so many fashions through religions. Truly, love is in our heart not in words that are written and rewritten by so many. Love make us feel good and hurt us too but that is how we naturally learn to feel and reminded that only when we love that our heart feel anything at all. Love is not about perfection by anyone or any religions definitions. Your heart always feels what it is true even when it hurts. Smile when it does hurts and cry too cause you have been loved and capable of living someone too. Love doesn't end with a person or a few. Love is endless as long as you dare to love and not afraid to excercise your heart. Love always.

I read your post a few days ago and it has stuck with me as this would be so hard to deal with. I think I've come up with some things for you to consider.<br />
1. If he is a poly and has sex with your wife, your wife in turn has sex with you then anything he gets from the poly women who are having sex with other people would affect you. This is a very serious and dangerous risk. <br />
2. Your level of commitment is more than George has ever offered. Do not begin to think he loves your wife more or better. You have committed your life to her and it would not be morally sound if she did not reciprocate.<br />
In the case that you were to approve this interaction (which before you should consider long and hard) it would not be unfair for you to request a stop in his poly lifestyle to show his willingness to protect your wife from disease. If she is his muse and life as much as he professes and not just a great fantasy like the other poly women give him then he would be willing to do this. This would be a first show of commitment that he may be worthy to lay with your wife.<br />
3. The third and most important question is to ask if your needs are being met. If your wife was graced with the thoughtfulness, capacity for sexual and emotional love and attention for two people then this could work. However, you need to evaluate if your needs are being attended to. If she has not fulfilled your fantasies like he wants to fulfill hers and his own, then you have to ask what you truly gain from this relationship. No one should live in a marriage of deprivation, poly or not, submissive or dominant. I feel if she is great in every aspect but sexual intimacy then there's a large potential for your relationship that remains untapped. <br />
<br />
I am sorry that you are dealing with it. It seems that your wife has discovered more of who she is and what she likes. Share in this discovery with her and allow her into your own discoveries of your fantasies and interests. <br />
If she enjoys being a sub, experiment with dominance. Everyone feels ungrounded at first but making the role your own, incorporating your and her likes could improve the situation. <br />
<br />
In all honesty this all applies so long as your wife values you and the marriage. To me, it seems like she isn't the sub you think she is as she has manipulated you to get the cake and eat it too. She has excused her infidelity, emotional or otherwise, with claims of he swooned her, she didn't see until it was too late, etc. if this is true then her moral compass is severly skewed, normal ppl can feel when they are taking a step too far in the other direction. She recognized this and CHOSE to continue towards betraying your marriage vows. Recognize that and square with it however you need to but don't let her excuse it.<br />
<br />
The fact that it got so far without you stepping in shows you didn't assert yourself in the relationship. She is still YOUR wife and you can still assert a separation. You don't want to do this to keep your wife happy, but you should consider the long run. The more time she spends, companionship she gains, emotional and sexual connections she makes the stronger the bond this will become. If it should end, pursue this as soon as possible, waiting will only make it harder and worse, like you have noticed. <br />
<br />
I do not know you or the ins and out, this is all stuff I have thought about since reading your post. It is possible that what your wife craves is assertiveness, confidence, sexuality, and firm boundaries. She may not be getting this from you. Consider if there are changes you could make, not life changing changes, but small behavioral ones, that you could make to rekindle the passion. Not everyone can do poly, some only claim it to pursue infidelities and become distant from their partners. Poly represents a network of support and love, if there is love lacking, you may not really be getting a poly setup. <br />
<br />
Again, my heart goes out to you for having to deal with this, I hope you find happiness and contentment in the choices ahead.

Thank you for the honest non-biased feedback. Just for the record, my wife and I have gone through a year of hell regarding fertility issues (she wants to have another child and is having problems). We fought so much over miscommunication issues in 2010 and 2011 that any communication relief was welcomed. As for our sex life, it is currently better than it ever was before. My wife admits she was afraid to reveal information to me about her submissive self. I have learned to be a good dominant for her, and she has told me that I currently meet all her needs in that area of her life. Basically, she wants to be "owned." She thinks it is incredibly sexy. This is not the wife I married, and although I am fairly dominant in my workplacve, at home, etc., I am not the kind of man who would ever dream of abusing a woman - my wife or not. I went through some soul searching and found myself. I got her the submissive collar/necklace, all the toys she wanted, we play all the games she wants to play, etc. I am slowly improving my techniques and finding ways to make her happy as much as possible. George met all those needs for her that I was not. She also wanted me to call her "princess" again like I used to before my daughter was born. My wife is 10 times better than the girl I married years ago. We have amazing sex - she begs for sex everyday. She is having multiple ******* every day. We are very happy...but even still... knowing that she and George are still good friends and that he still shows signs of sexual affection towards her makes me nervous. I trust her now, I just don't trust him. She admits that going behind my back wasn't the right approach.

So she is going through a problem-solving activity in trying to figure out how she can keep both he and I without losing either.

There will be no marriage for you unless George is out of the picture for good. The idea that he would lightly threaten you to get you to give her permission to BE with him is concerning. He may be intelligent, he may be a great philosopher but what he is best at is manipulation. He first manipulated your wife, and now he is manipulating you too. He is also narcassistic in his actions. He needs HER! What about her already being taken. He is trying to impose a poly lifestyle on you. Your wife needs to make a solid decision and he needs to be wrote off. The both of you need to heal and gain counseling so that you can come to an understanding. Keeping him as a 'friend' will ultimately tear you apart because he will not give up. GOOD LUCK

My experience with social workers, counselors, and the like is that they are too biased and not open-minded enough to deal with these types of problems that come up in marriage. If a group of poly people approached a marriage/relationship counselor on how to resolve issues, he or she may simply state, "remove people from the picture." That is a closed-minded traditionalist way of looking. I refuse to accept advice from anyone who is that closed-minded. I may not like what is going on, but I respect alternative lifestyles and I respect a woman's right to choose the sexual lifestyle she desires.