I Hardly Recognise The Woman I Married

I started seeing my wife seven years ago. She was living a very promiscuous lifestyle at the time, with many male and female partners. It was only intended to be a one night stand, but it was fun, so we carried on seeing each other. 3 months in, she told me she was pregnant. I then found out that the pregnancy pre-dated our relationship. By then there was emotion involved and for some reason (I honestly don't know how or why, looking back) I chose to stay with her and raise the baby, and not care about the biology. Best decision I ever made - my little girl is now 6, and one of the two best things to ever happen to me. The other best thing to ever happen to me was born 3 years later. Wife and I got married in the summer of 2010 with both our little girls as flower girls, and it was a wonderful, special day.

We have very different backgrounds. Wife had a very difficult childhood - her mother is hugely overbearing, homophobic, manipulative and unpleasant in the way she deals with people. Her lifestyle before we met was, in part, a reaction against this. I was a very shy person throughout childhood, only getting more confident at uni, and before I met Wife, I'd only slept with one woman.

Early in our relationship Wife told me that it was over when we had a huge row. I took her at her word and went out drinking. Stupidly, I slept with someone else. Even more stupidly, it was Wife's best friend. When it turned out that things might not be over forever, I told Wife what had happened in order to move forward. It took some work and understandably still causes trust issues now, 6 1/2 years later, but telling her was definitely the right thing to do.

Now I don't know what to do. Since the wedding, things have deteriorated hugely. We've always had a fairly explosive relationship - big rows, then big make ups - but things have changed. She told me about 6 months ago that she was gay, then took it back and now won't talk about it at all. 4 weeks ago she moved out of our room and told me it was to give me "a kick up the arse" to get things sorted out. She said I needed to realise that things need to change. We have started getting counselling through our church and I told her after the first session that the time in separate rooms has given me a chance to think. I have told her that there are things that SHE needs to change, not just me. The biggest one is that I need her to show me affection - not too much to ask, surely? There are things in her past that make her extremely messed up about sex, and she became incredibly angry at me for saying that affection is something I need, and said that 'having' to show me any affection made her feel pressured into sex. I want my sex life back, but that's not what I NEED - I need to be able to hold her hand, to give her a hug, to kiss the woman I married! I need her to look at me with love in her eyes rather than boredom/irritation/no emotion at all. She used to do these things, but not any more.

The bottom line is that I think she is probably gay, and the damage her homophobic mother has done to her left her unable to accept it for years. Then I came along, and gave her the chance to settle down, and find her feet. Through years of greater stability within the relationship, she's had the chance to catch her breath and think about who she really is. I think she knows, but isn't ready to deal with it. I think that, in time, she will find the strength to accept that she is gay not bi, and will leave me then. Right now she denies it and says she's bi, if she says anything other than just telling me to shut up. It makes sense of the sex life that went down hill from 7 times in a night and full of excitement when we first got together to maybe once every few weeks and completely passionless before she moved out of our room. It makes sense of the reluctance to show any affection. It makes sense of the fact that she has recently started spending as many nights out as possible with her lesbian and gay friends (she always spent some time with them, but now she chooses them over any of her other friends).

I am struggling to cope with all this. I love her, but I can't continue living like this. In about 6 months I will have an opportunity to move out. If things aren't showing signs of improvement by then - if I'm still convinced that she is either gay or very much more interested in women than men, if she still thinks I'm stupid and unfair for wanting to kiss the woman I married... then that's it. I will have to leave. Our beautiful, intelligent, creative, wonderful little girls can't grow up watching mummy and daddy getting steadily more unhappy and more angry within their relationship. Wife did that. It didn't do her any good.

I'll stop typing now, as this has turned into more of an epic post than I intended...
fullofdoubt fullofdoubt
26-30, M
May 12, 2012