Desperate To Leave...

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving."
- Elizabeth Gilbert

I'm 25 and I've been with my husband for 8 years, married for 6. We have a beautiful daughter who is almost 6. The first 3-4 years of our relationship was pure bliss. I've been so unhappy for the past 4 years and it's getting to the point that I'm desperate to leave. He's a good dad, I'll give him that. He loves me and he tries to make our marriage work. We've both changed a lot since we first got together. We've grown apart. I mean, we were 17 when started dating so of course we're going to change. The love is gone on my end. I cringe of he even kisses me. I don't want him to be around me at all. He works overnights & does a lot of overtime..so when he's home he's sleeping, or just relaxing on the couch. He works 18 hour shifts sometimes..5-6 days a week. So I can't get mad that he just wants to sleep and relax when he's home..I'm very grateful for how hard he works. But on the other hand, it would be amazing to just leave the house with him for once. We haven't been out to eat since my birthday in November..that was 6 months ago! And the last time we actually had a date night was 2 years ago. I have parents who are very willing to watch our daughter if we want to go on a date...but he's too tired. So for the past few weeks I've wanted him to watch a movie with me in our own living room...every night he has off he's tried to watch a movie with me but he falls asleep before it even starts. I just feel lonely all the time. There are so many other, deeper issues in our relationship but I dont want to go into all of that. Just know I'm miserable.

My best friend was in the same situation as me. She was in an unhappy marriage and they have a baby. As bad as it sounds, having someone else in my same position gabe me comfort. But the main difference between our marriages was that she & her husband fought constantly. My husband and I don't really fight. I don't care enough to fight. Anyways, they just separated and my friend is already with someone new. She's SO happy, her whole demeanor has changed. Every time i see her shes beaming!I definitely would want to be single for awhile if I left my marriage..but the thought of a new relationship just gives me chills already. I want to feel that adrenalin rush again. I want to be with someone I can actually have a deep conversation with. I'm just so ready to leave.

But I can't because I don't want to make life any harder for my child.
Her needs comes before mine. She needs mommy & daddy together...
BabyBlue88 BabyBlue88
22-25, F
4 Responses May 24, 2012

I begin every relationship response with my usual introduction. Every person is different and every relationship is different. I don’t know the particulars of this marriage’s issues. However, this situation is not uncommon. Many married couples experience ‘marriage fatigue’ after a few years. Once the ‘new romance smell’ period ends, one or both partners may feel bored, unappreciated, disrespected, unloved, etc. The bliss experienced during the first few years of your marriage is evidence that you can and should make it work. Since he is a good father, a decent husband, and a hard worker, you might want to reevaluate the issues in your marriage and determine what the real problems are first.<br />
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I am going to recommend four things.<br />
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First, unless you or your daughter are or have ever been abused physically, emotionally or in other ways, do not leave your marriage just yet. It is hard to find hard working, loving fathers, and decent husbands out there. They are not as common as you think.<br />
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Second, take him out on a date with you. You pay for it like he is your boyfriend. Tell him you want to go out on a date with your boyfriend . Play a game with him where you aren’t married for an evening, and see what might happen. Give him two weeks prior notice of the event so there are no complications.<br />
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Third, ignite the spark! This marriage needs some romance, it needs some experimentation, and it needs some raunchy stuff. I don’t know what you’re preferences are, I don’t know what his preferences are. But you two had chemistry in the past and you can have it again. But this time, do something new and different.<br />
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Fourth, find out what you like sexually and romantically. What really gets you going? Then, help him find what gets him going. He might be just as bored as you. Adding some games to your “behaviors” might make things awesome again. You never know until you try. Take the lead if necessary. Be your own hero. And who knows…he might turn out to be your dream come true.<br />
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Love will come with time. Work on that stuff first.<br />
It worked for me, and it could work for you.<br />
Good luck!

The grass always looks greener on the other side, trust me, from experience I know. My first husband and I had similar problems, except you could add anger and drinking issues to our problems. We sought marriage counseling, but in the end, I saw friends that had divorced and found what appeared to be happiness with others, so I began to daydream about the same thing. After the divorce, being a low income single mom with two children wasn't so great. Guys want you, as long as you do not talk about commitments (found guys rarely want to be saddled with another man's child). So now I am in a crappy marriage and have wondered for twenty years if my ex and I could have worked it out.

I'm sorry to ask but are you working? if he working that much and you want to spend time with him then maybe you could do something to help save money or bring in money so he wouldn't have to work so much and have more time to make love to you and vacation with you too.

I'm working and I'll be starting nursing school full time in the fall. His overtime at work is optional..there have been times that he worked a normal 40 hour week and we were fine with money.

First of all if I were to divorce then it should be for the best for all. Forcing yourself to be in a relation that doesn't have love will only raise your child to except the same fate as yours and your husband should he face the similar situation when he's a man. Love is to be give freely, happily and readily not by any other reasons as to force you to love. Love is happiness. One of you need to be brave an do what needed for each other and your son but treat each other with love even though you're not in love with each other cause your son is the life that give through what was once love and unconditional. It not the divorce that have negative impact but it is the actions of how you treat one another that cause it. Divorce doesn't have to be ugly and nasty if you accept that things just happened and you will always love and care for each other well being just in different ways and level.

I'm in a vary similar situation. But of course I can't give you any advice, because I don't know what to do either. =/

If you worry about how men think of you then you need you reevaluate how you see yourself. You shouldn't have to change who you are to be love and that goes the same to the men too. Real love will love the true you and not judge you. If you being anything else other than yourself then the person who you're in love with is in love with your pretense for sometime before the true you will comes out and he will say that is not who he was in love with. True love is to be brave and just be you.