Why Can't She Get the Picture?

So, here is how my weekend went.  On Saturday, my wife and I were sitting on the couch and I was patting her on the back with the heel of my hand (my hand was balled up, and I was using the meaty part of my hand).  WHY was I doing this, you ask? Well, my wife has had a lot of congestion lately, which the doctor has said is just allergies (she has been sick lately, and the amount of junk in her lungs makes me think that she has a cold and not allergies).  This was a completely random act on my part. She hadn't been coughing in the past few hours.  I was just sitting there thinking about her coughing earlier and I started "thumping" on her back... Definitely not hard, mind you. Maybe annoying, but definitely not hard.

"What the **** are you hitting me for?" was the response that I got for this.  Not, "hey, knock it off" or "hey, that is annoying, what are you doing that for?" or something that was reasonable. No, immediate aggression from her.  We started to discuss this, and she then told me that I wasn't hitting her hard or punching her, but I was hitting her nonetheless.  Okay... If that is how she wanted to see it, I guess I was "hitting" her.  I then informed her of my intentions, that I was trying to help her congestion.  Again, I got "Why in the **** were you hitting me?".  At this time, I started to rethink my logic of trying to "help her" and I had to admit that maybe it was a mistake on my part. "You are just doing that sh*t to annoy me.  WHY IN THE **** WERE YOU HITTING ME?!?!?".  Wow. That is all that I could say at the time.  My jaw must have hung open a good foot.

After a few more words, and an escalation of "hostility" on her part, I told her "If you are so sick of sh*t, do something about it! As a matter of fact, why don't you just start saving your paycheck so that you can buy yourself a plane ticket back to the states!".  (This is where we always go, mind you) From here, we started to talk about divorce, and if I want it. Counseling, will it work. ETC.ETC.

This is where I wuss out EVERYTIME!  When she asked me about divorce I told her "We can't keep going on like this.  All we do is fight.  We don't get along. Are YOU happy with how things are going?".  I didn't give her a definite answer.  When she asked me about counseling, I looked at her dead in the eye and said "We can go, but I don't think it is going to work.  What are they going to tell us that is going to make us get along? What good will actually come of us going to counseling? When you went to counseling before, it only helped you for a few days after your session and then you went back to 'crazy lady'".  I also asked her "If counseling doesn't work, then what?". Her answer was that if it didn't work that we would have to go our separate ways.  At least she sees that we are going in a bad direction.

I know that calling her names like "crazy lady" wont help things, but it happened in the heat of the moment and she knew it to be the truth in the context that I used it in.  I also told her some of the things that I was feeling that I would normally just keep to myself.  That is the other thing that I told her.  I told her that I am always keeping things to myself so that I can avoid a fight with her.  We fight, then make up.  The next time that we fight it is more ferocious than the last time.  We have fought about getting separated so many times now.

What should I have done? I DO think that we are going to be divorced within the next few years.  It is SO hard being away from the U.S. and talking about getting a separation or divorce.  Its not as easy as "HEY! Get your stuff and get out!".  Everytime the subject of divorce comes up, we talk about it and then it kinda just goes away... Until the next time we fight. I always back down from my thoughts of divorce. I cannot see us continuing this way for too much longer. I guess the way that we are going, it will be a "mutual" thing when we finally do get a separation.

I am sure that someone is going to ask "Why don't you just leave her?".  Well, just read this again.  I have told her on more than one occasion that we should go our separate ways.  We always make a circle when it comes to divorce.

Help.

wikkedirish wikkedirish
31-35, M
3 Responses Jul 8, 2008

I think you should look at this really hard and realistically. <br />
From your description she is a "crazy lady". Is she generally a "crazy lady" or just where you are concerned? <br />
<br />
Counseling can help in that it can make you aware of why you both do the things that you do. Understanding can go a long way to changing the way you react to any given situation. You may find that there is hope for your relationship or that there is no relationship left to save. <br />
<br />
The point is that if you take no action you will probably divorce sooner rather than later and always wonder why.

Thank you. After this fight, nothing got resolved. She just acted like nothing happened. I guess I just have to keep living like this. Our next fight will be worse than this one. Why? Because the stuff that didnt get resolved will be brought back up and it will be fought over again.

Forgot to mention... I just can't pack my bags either. We are stationed in Germany, and I cannot leave. Active duty military