The Hardest ThingIn six more days it will have been a month. It has been a month of tears, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, remorse, revenge, pity parties, endless questions, fear, and indecision. There are endless reasons to end this:
1. He cheated; 2. I don't trust him; 3. He will probably cheat again;
4. It hurts. There are endless reasons to stay in this: 1. I love him; 2. I believe we were meant to be together; 3. I believe he can change; 4. We have a family that is more than worth fighting for.
Most people would sympathize because leaving is hard; and they are right. It is hard to walk away from someone you love even when they are hurting you. But after all this deliberation, I have decided that the hardest thing to do is to stay. It is hard to forgive someone...not just say "I forgive you" but to truly forgive someone afresh every time the hurt comes back. It is hard to stand by someone who has proven that they are not loyal to you. It is hard to establish boundaries and communication from scratch because you have to rebuild the foundation (the previous foundation obviously had issues). It is hard to resist the urge for revenge. It is harder to resist the mindset of victimization. It is hard to actually work through and release your emotions in a way that doesn't damage your spouse or make you a bitter, exploding volcano. It is hard to trust someone who had deceived you. It is hard to give your children the support that they need, to decide how and if you should tell them what is going on, to prevent from making promises to them that you don't know if you will be able to keep. It is hard to find the balance between the time you will need for yourself and the time that you will need to rebuild the relationship. It is hard to work to rebuild your spouse- the voids that they feel, the hurt that the infidelity has caused them...to even be able to see their pain or give it the time of day. It is hard to face all the naysayers- the ones who will tell you that you're being a fool, you need to move on, he will never change, go and find someone who will make you happy. It is hard to find someone who stayed, made it work and is happy just for encouragement. It is hard to find someone who truly understand and isn't judgemental. It is hard to find someone who can truly offer real help and emotional support.
Mr. Me-au-gee (can't spell it) from Karate Kid said the best line of defense is to "no be there." It is a much harder thing to surrender your defense and make yourself vulnerable, not just to the possible onslaught from your spouse, but to all the hits that it will take to make it better. To put down your pride and make the first step to make things better although you clearly deserve for him to make the first move. In my opinion, it is hard to leave, but the hardest thing to do is to stay- and that is what I have decided to do.