So I found myself over the kitchen sink doing dishes barking out my beliefs as if he were my worst enemy. Wtf is wrong with me today?
Im so full of pains and troubles that Ive grown bitter and on guard over mearly every little thing in life. I continued to freak out on him on how we were raised differently, how he was most like his father. How unhappy that made me.
Compared his intentions to my own, pointed out my priorities and how screwed up I thought that his were. Ugh.....this IS the man I love...how can I be so back and forth like I am!?
This marrige is nothing short of bipolar!!!!
I find myself at time staring across the room, just wanting to sink myself inside of his flesh. Wanting to kiss him so pationately, wanting to voice what I feel and how much I care. Yet there are days like this I cant stand who he is, where hes from and how his past comes to play into my own life.
Why cant life just be NORMAL ....is that really too much to ask?
Once upon a time I feared a love like this. I was afraid it would take away whom I really was. Now its all become so clear to me that love DOES change who you are. Its all about compromising....all abt give and take. Do men tally up their good deeds? Do they expect something in return for everything they do? And if so is that really 50/50 in a relationship? I find myself sifting thru the past year and trying to recognize whats really going on here. Is this a "toxic" relationship , a stepping stone or just our way of growing strong? Im so lost here...thoughts?!
mypapersoul mypapersoul
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 18, 2012

I can relate to some part of this except that somehow you are very lucky to still passion at times for your husband, I hardly ever feel passion for him anymore :-( and this makes me very depressed.
Being somewhat bipolar myself, I sometimes think okay it' s due to the depression and the awful year I've endured, things will improve, we will sort things out but what if I never feel any shivers any beautiful feelings...I mean I used to be so self neglected for him before, I would always think of him first...perhaps also becoming a mom and becoming the slave to my babies, made me crave for aloness and time for me, I believe somehow post partum depression made me realise how I have neglected myself for so many years and I can get them back :(
what really bothers you in your relationship? what do you want to change? what makes you hurt?do you believe you both have changed so much?

I am not sure what you fear, but I feared to end up in that kind of unhappy boring marriage without any sharing of soul, growing distant along the months and years, reminding me of my parents...but my husband and I will try therapy, we'll see how it goes, we are rather broke so I hope they can give some answers quick so we can see if there is no more love to save or the other way around. Having had two babies together I'd rather find a way to save this mess but I also want happiness like everybody else. take good care of you.

what really bothers you in your relationship? What really bothers me is; Its not even been a year since we made such a huge commitment and there are days I just want out! That hes not what he use to be in my eyes. I feel like all I do is give give and give some more! Does it make me shallow to expect just a little in return? what do you want to change? change you say..ha I have a long list of things I wish I could change but really its a list of things I wish hadnt changed at all. Marrige really does a number on a couple. Im starting to think we were better off to have a very long and I mean looong engagement..if I could only turn back time. what makes you hurt? Hurt...I hurt because HIS past effects me NOW...and because he seems to be so insencitive abt it. I know he loves me nd does what he can . Even fixes things around the house without me asking him to. But I still dont feel the relationship is 50/50 Hes been out of work for a few months and everything is on me. I sometimes wonder if this troubles him at all! Our communication has died down and we dont share the passion I hunger for as mentioned abover. do you believe you both have changed so much?I do! I believe that we arent half of what we were to one another before...Im sry your feeling these very same things. Because I know your pain it troubles me to know Im not the only one on this path. Because you two share children and our children are mine from a previous marrige, I feel for you....thank you for reaching out to me tho...means alot my new friend ((hugs))

Oh I hear you. It's funny or rather sad. I always wonder( after self help books and therapy and things like that) if it's my fault, if I'm not asking too much.I believe I am demanding but it's healthy to want a balance between give and take. For years I have lived in self neglection, I love giving, I love loving, being useful to another.But yes there are times you need a return and you get bored asking, praying,hoping...you deny yourself in the meantime. What do we deserve?we get what we deserve to our eyes. and somehow I have always thought I was not loveable. that's silly crap, but that's the story of my life. You have to have a clear conversation with him about that,if he can t give you what you want then it's hopeless, that's what I am telling myself. But everytime we talk now we argue ahah, it's pathetic :-( so you've got the feeling you've been changed by your marriage?by him?have you made compromises that you regret now? for I do, I have accepted the lack of passion and romanticism, and the routine ends up the massacre of our couple. ahah I understand about the very long engagement...but I wonder how getting married then could make a change? did you get the feeling you were then acquired? taken for granted?Yes your man seems rather nice like mine, he does things, he helps, but sometimes it's not enough. I really hope things will improve for you or that come what may you will feel happier, dont stay too long in that sadness because it can eat you completely. I know myself that this year was the last one, if things dont change, dont improve,if I am unhappy I am going to go back on my True Love quest, as silly as it sounds I'd rather become again my old idealistic romantic self than turn into a bitter old witch! I am still young after all :)take care of you!

When I read the things you write, I see how much of my life really looks from the outside of my flesh. For it seems you and I not only have alot in common but we share emotions! I dont think a long engagement would have lasted really, because quite frankly the only thing holding me in place right now . Is the fact that I made promises, recited vows ( that I took very seriouse) Im not at all happy. I mean outside of the issues we are having currently its a roller coaster thing.Love hate perhaps. Atleast on my part. Hes deathly afraid of loosing me, confesses his love, and many empty promises. But rarely do I see ANY change and if I do, its very short lived. I only wish I had the streangth you do to finally jump off the edge. Where I often sit patiently wainting, wanting, hoping....perhaps if I had a ounce of self worth ..thats what I sometimes think. Its definately changed me and yet I worry that there is no turning back...that I am just another lost soul with no direction. Plz feel free to keep in touch and share stories with me via inbox. I truely believe everything happens for a reason and perhaps this right here...is happening so that we both gain streangth from one another to make the changes we find so impossible to make. Ty for sharing your story...you have absolutely NO idea how youve helped me to see things more clearly.