Decision To Divorce ..or Not To Divorce...whats There To Hold On To?

I'm just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

So I relate to this on so many levels. Im not sure how well Im going to express my pains and disapointments. My troubles and concerns. All my life one relationship after another failed miserably because I openly admit( I attract only those with enormous baggage) Perhaps a fault of my own? Searching for love wasnt easy so I suppose I came to the point Id given up...waiting for a rescue ( as the song states) just became my way of living. Id been crushd, emotionally destroyed,mentally heart really at this point had no tone...I just felt numb. Comming out of a 7 yr relationship scorned by evil . Id watched my every move, ever so careful NOT to fall in love. I guess some men just easily climb over those walls you build around your heart. Most of the time with this make believe pseudo that this time is REAL.
Ive learned my lesson...its only been since May and Im really close to throwing in the towel. Divorce - the decision that can destroy you in the process and quite possible the end if your not careful. But also could set you free! Im on the edge right now, really feeling quite alone. Tired of waiting, hoping, praying, crying and hurting. Not to mention the bulk of emotions Ive yet to mention. It seems just when it gets to the point I have the "balls" to walk away from it all, he sucks me in. Is this yet another toxic relationship that I have allowed to shackle me and keep me prisoner? Ive been married before, at age of 17..divorced by 24 because even thru the abuse I couldnt leave or give up ( I just didnt have it in me) It took him leaving me for dead. I then realized I had NO ONE to lean on...and since then have never needed anyone. I had a independant soul...and the one who came and swept me away with faulse charm...he stole that! Im going thru some major issues because of HIS past. He went from my better half to a pain in my ***. I know it sounds quite harsh me saying these things. But I really do pay the price this time. I suppose I still hold so much shame for letting things get to this point that its hard to let anyone in...tell them whats really going on. In the beginning he had a job, appeared well rounded and put together nicely...honest, handsom, funny, and very loving. All that has changed since then...its been abt 6mo now into our marrige and the job is gone, the well rounded man I once knew is now full of issues and problems I am left to deal with and take care of. If I were to draw it out on paper it would show me ...dragging my feet as I carry him thru the muck...ok so thats prob enough to let you see things are very my decision...why if I owned my home pre him....and I had myself doing well. Do I worry how he will go on, how leaving him will effect HIM....I really am struggling here! :( I love this man ...yet I hate who hes become. Is divorce the answer?Ive lost so much because of him....sacrificed my soul! Ugh...I really do believe that leaving is the hardest thing....and really the only way I see thru the muck...:(
mypapersoul mypapersoul
31-35, F
1 Response Nov 22, 2012

Leave now before you wake up and it is years later and nothing has changed. If you look hard enough the signs are there that the man he is today is probably who he has always been :(. Good luck.