Is It a Marriage?

Only you can answer that question. Affairs may help in the moment but ultimately leave you feeling more empty. We all deserve to be truly loved. It isn't your fault that your husband decided not to honor the vows he made to you. You will figure out the right thing to do for you.

I can tell you from someone who escaped an unhappy marriage: it's liberating. We actually get along better now that we've split. You deserve to be treated well, and if he's not treating you well, you deserve to know why. What's keeping you together? Do you still love him?

Well, since he shuts down when you try to talk about it, obviously he's not ready to talk about it. Maybe he might be more willing to see a therapist on his own to get his problems out in the open.

In my honest opinion you need to really talk to your husband with a lengthy conversation that may cause an ugly argument, but at the same time one that should have been talked out years ago. I think we all deserve a healthy marriage, but not one that only provides financial support or lack of arguing. You are obviously searching for a missing piece with these other men, as they are also missing something in their marriages as well. I know that talking to your husband and telling him that his actions or lack of emotion, cuddling, sensitivity etc is ruining your marriage will not be easy, but you need to look at the large picture and what will bring both of you the greatest happiness. You may find that being seperated at first will answer a lot of questions for both of you, it may empower you to divorce for your own sanity and complete happiness, but it may also open up his own heart and see what emptiness he is placing our your marriage.

Good luck to you, but do find happiness, complete whole hearted happiness where you are fulfilled. God loves you, and wants all his children to be happy.

I certainly can identify with the missing intimacy in the relationship. In my case, it's the wife...I can't say I've had to deal with years of it (well, we did take off two years around the time our third child was born). We still get "together" now but even though she seems to enjoy it DURING the act, I'm the only one that seems to have a "memory" of the enjoyment. I almost feel like it's a chore to her and that she does it for me which of course makes me feel horrible. She doesn't exhibit any "desire" for me and most of the time, she acts like anything to do with intimacy sickens her.

I have had daydreams about affairs but my senses kick in and I think about all of the things it would affect, especially my three kids and although I miss a lot about my wife, I know this would have a permanent destructive affect on our marriage. I guess I hold onto the hope and faith that it will get better at some point so I've never pursued an affair. I've got some self esteem issues, mainly because I've always felt like I wasn't desired in my relationships. I too have done the counseling thing.. the jury's still out on that success or failure.

The big question for me is how do you feel better about feeling "desired" when it's the actions from other people happening (or not) that make you feel desired???

I have no idea about this but. But I think that you staying was absolutely wonderful of you. Some things in life are beyond explanation and reason. Or maybe I'm just young. But I would have done what you did stayed. I don't know about the affairs. But for the first time in my life I have I think read a plausible reason for an affair. You weren't or aren't being selfish in my opinion if it was any other scenario, it would be different, people should just leave if they are not happy with their partners and would like to see other people, why disrespect someone and be an obstacle in the other persons way to actually maybe have a better life. But here you are staying for him more so for him then for yourself. Usually the kids are involved etc, but your staying for him. You could pick up and move on but your staying so you can help him. And i dont know what marriage is but i assume for me this is what it is, when the world out there is waiting for you but you decide to stay back for someone you love.

I don't have a clue about these things, but usually having a somewhat conservative view and someone who isn't big on love either, I think it's great you stayed. Good Luck an i hope things take a turn for the better SOON.
Good Luck !
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God bless u for wantg to hang o for his sake altho th temptation for sexual intmacies r too great.

God the Holy Spirit is our Helper, so as u call to Him, He strengthens u in ur dark moments now.He is the only solution,dear!

Glad that u did not take th easiest way out by throwg in th towel. Surely God will bring a miracle to you n hubby!

God bless you both with happiness n peace.

either learn to live without sex or get out of relationship because i don't think you should have to separate the two.

Kelki,

I understand. I am married to a man I love dearly, and on most fronts, we have have a good relationship. We rarely have sex due to his chronic illness but also because he is withdrawn emotionally. He is physically and financially dependent on me; there aren't many activities we do as a couple anymore. We have a family, and he tries to participate as much as possible in our children's lives. He continues to get sicker, and there is no cure or new treatments but he could live for a long time in a progressively disabled state. I married him with full knowledge of his illness and am committed to stay with him throughout whatever may come. Even so, I miss him desperately and miss the physical intimacy. I have never cheated and do not plan to, but I know I am very vunerable to an affair. I accept that my desire for sex and intimacy is just as vital to my well-being as food, sleep, and water, and that one day, I may meet someone who I won't want to resist. Don't beat yourself up about the affairs and I don't think anyone should judge you unless they have been in your shoes. It sounds like you have been as honest as you can be with your husband (if he is like mine, sometimes they just don't want to acknowledge the issue). He has made his choice; it is up to you to decide where you want to go from here. A marriage can be many different things - it is whatever works. For a very long time, I have lived a great deal of my life on my own - many of my friends and most of my colleagues do not know my husband - I attend most social functions without him, and what activities we do have together must be coordinated around his illness. It is not just the illness - he actively chooses not to participate in many things that he could still do. For a long time, I struggled to get him to be more involved and find things that would bring him out more, but I now accept that this is his choice - as his decision to avoid sex. He recently admitted to me that he was ok with no longer having sex and felt better because of it. Leaving him is not an option as he has little means to support himself and to try to carrying separate households would create undue hardship on the children. Choosing to stay doesn't make the longings go away, and sometimes it can be all-consuming - sometimes we have to do things to save our own lives.

I wish you the best.

Don't let anybody judge you. You are unique. If it works for you to stay with your husband, but have certain needs fulfilled elsewhere, then that is what you should do.

If you have the means to leave, and if you think you will be happier outside of the marriage -- DO IT!

Omg, I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your situation. My parents live like you do. Separate rooms for about 12-13 years. I'm sure both of them have had affairs, even if I have no evidence for it. I'm not mad. I see what they're going through.

Right now I'm 23 and single. Hoping to find the right guy, to explore my sexuality, have someone to cuddle with, snuggle with, have incredible conversations with, etc. If I spend my 20s searching, only a few years enjoying, and the rest of my years *regretting* a marriage -- then what's the point?!

Never feel like it's too late for you. You are so young!!

To give you an extreme example, a few years ago, my great aunt got remarried, at 74!!! She found a wonderful man, who was a widower (she's a widow, too), and they are very very happy now. :-)

I did leave my husband because of lack of intimacy , we were married for 3 years and i am only 26 , do i think it was selfish ? no , because he never tried , i did my part all this time , tried to be a good wife, step mother, daughter in law, u name it , and even so whenever i would go through the effort of creating a romantic environment there would be excuse after excuse .
we had the talk about him having a health problem, well if that is the case he never went to get it checked and i couldnt hold his hand and dragg him to the doc myself, he is not a child and obviously this issue wasnt important to him, so i wasnt that important to him.
and when it comes to intimacy , there are many ways to make the other partnet feel wanted and give pleasure even if one person has performance issues, well he never even tried any of that.
we are still great friends , but do i desire him or think i ever will, NO , not after so many times of him telling me NO
so i guess if u are ok with the situation ur in , then u can stay in ur marriage , or u can leave, keep him as a friend and support him and have a real relationship and be fully content with no burdains

At some point you will want more from these men .... they are having their cake and eating it to & you will end up emotionally shredded.

Yes, you are having your cake 'ala mode' ... there is fun and fulfillment. When you were dating your husband I assume that you were having fun too, but for some reason things tend to change with commitment.

If you choose to leave the marriage is it because there is someone waiting in the wings?

Moving on ... I make no assumption that because you are a woman that you will be emotional and thus hurt - gender doesn't matter. Emotions happen whether one reveals them or not.

You made an interest point about emotional maturity and accepting the consequences of your actions. Just curious, what are (or what will be) the consequences?