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Is It a Marriage?

I am wondering how I got to this point in my life.  My husband and I have not had sex for 15 years.  I have been having affairs for three.  I don't tell anyone about my private life.  I have been lucky, I have found men I can trust who are in similiar situations. I am finally at times happy and centered. However, in the back of my mind I know I deserve more. I love the closness of a warm male next to me, the deep kisses, being held and cuddled.  I read the repair you marriage books, shared all the information with my husband but nothing changes. I have changed. Since figuring out I am desirable, I feel younger. am more relaxed and my husband and I no longer fight. So I guess that is a good thing.  Is it worth staying in my marriage to keep up the facade or should I leave? OR is it even a marriage?

Kelki Kelki 46-50, F 84 Responses Oct 26, 2008

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hi 1 sounds like you have your side under control ! if you and hubby are happy and can share the same house . why not stay ! good luck to you ! just saw this was an old post ! how are things going these days ! :-)

I've been with the same affair partner since about the same time this story was written. I met him in September 2008 and the chemistry was instant. After a few meetings we decided a monogamous affair. I'll be 6 years in October. Outsourcing,a parallel relationship,an extramarital activity....whatever we choose to call it works for me.

hi ! glad it's still working ! that's great ! :-)

Seems like a lot of work to lead "dual" lives. Do you hide it at all at this point?

its soo long. so strange still being marry

Should you stay in your marriage? That is something of a tough call. My first reaction is, "NO". You deserve to be with someone who fulfills who you are as a person. Someone who wants all that marriage entails, not just a housemaid and cook who looks good. I am sure you have children, but they would learn after a time. The fat that you are happiest with other men is not a good thing for your marriage. Your husband has failed to uphold his end of the marriage contract. If you do decide to depart, plan your departure with reasonable care so as to create the least collateral damage.

I am happy you have found a long term solution to your situation.

Be well

Have you had his testosterone checked.? Is he gay? What does he say when you ask him? I fail to understand men who don't want sex....

This story was written nearly 5 years ago. I have made new choices and they have worked well.

Guess the first question is are you still married Kelki ? Some 15 years ago the sex (intercourse) became a major problem, yes physical ED due to accident and blood vein damage. No medical or med cure works with the exception of a pump. So yes "sex" inactivity was and is a problem today. I am able to counsel women in the same situation and willing to communicate further if any are interested that would like to know what happens to a mans mind and some resolve later if asked in private. BUT, I would also like your counsel as to the thought process you used to come to the decision to stay and have an or some affairs. Waiting to hear from you. Or for that matter any women that could help me help my wife to come to a like decision.

I wish I had an answer for you.

This isn't a marriage in the true sense but it is working for you. You have a marriage where you no longer fight, a husband who doesn't question what, where and with whom, and your sexual needs are met. I wish I could do the same and be O.K. with my actions. Unless you want to get married why change when all of your needs are being met! (?)

Thank you! It is very nice to have have a supporter such as you....
This story was written in 2008, which was about the time I limited my "suitors", then decided on just one affair partner. We continue our relationship to this day. Life does have a way of sorting things out.

PS - he doesn't need to know and would probably prefer not to. Devote to him what you can, initiating also may help the home life ?

You need to put the relationship in three's - your married one - your part and his part. We started that way, out time - my time and her time, 48 years. You have take the step to find the sexual/sensual need, that is great. Do the things you desire and invite him but go either way, maybe with a friend ! Best not the one with benefits unless ready to force him to confront that part of your time. Lucky you took the time to understand that there are those that desire you. I am ED for about 15 years and actually talk about her finding a friend with benefits, her response was "This old thing, who would ?" Answer me should I find her one ?? We still do some things together "hers" and I am VERY attentive and she goes with me on occasion. Guess without words of "asking to" we understand when it should be something US. I am not a monogamous naturally, just have been 98.5% or say a few encounters. Yes, I let many go by with several regrets.
Unlike her attitude, Who would; mine what good is 50%.

I would not have waited 12 years, I can't hold blame against you.

You should just leave - no matter what. I know you can do it.

Leon,
Wait! I just read down to the rest of these comments and Petrusha does not even acknowledge your comments in this story. Yet ,you just put him in the same category as the ***** and the whorehunter(respectfully) My advice; Petrusha and I are having an adult conversation, litle girls like you need to go outside and play when that is happening.

BTW, I am not posting on your story about the dead hamster and attempting to personally trash you so how is it that anyone is harassing you when you are the one posting on my story. I do not find your comments relavant, whatsoever.Yours comments are,at best, simple, nonsensical ramblings about something you have no knowledge of.

As for Bashee Angel, you are more than welcome to place yourself in the gutter with her. She loves to troll stories, post trashy names and then block people from responding. In fact, please do join the ranks of the Sammys, Bashees and the other trollies. You can all start your own little group and none of us less desirables will be there to reprimand you.

You should know we are all LAUGHING at you in this group and find you a source of pure entertainment. Ray even compared you to a lab rat! Do you want people to be LAUGHING at you? Do you like being treated as an ignorant child? Oh and what is a FATLEACHERASS? If we clap for you for making up new vocabulary words, will you go away?

Well, you know us! According to her, we lie about our sick spouses, live to ***** around or hunt ****** and then we never even spout a bad word, like FATLEACHERASS. We are invading her privacy because in her small world, we are all she thinks about. Now tell the truth, Ray, did you have thoughts about killing her hamster?

I decided not to feed that wee troll a while back. Frankly, I consider her beneath notice when it comes to her trolling activity - a pottymouth butting into adult conversation is just an attention seeker who will go away if ignored I figured.

But after what you guys just said I actually went and looked at her profile. I saw 2-3 stories there, and that is just plain disturbing. I think the young woman is actually struggling with mental disease. Her stories read to me (considered opinion) like those of a 12 year old girl who's seriously confused by a sudden heavy influx of hormones. Her hold on reality seems tenuous.

I still don't want to see her here, even less so now. She is seriously, majorly, out of place here. And she is insulting people who do not need insults, even be they from a confused bratty child. But I actually feel sad for her now. I do not think her life is going to have a good outcome.

Adult conversation, like hooking up, doesn`t seem very mature but sIutty.
FYI kelki, i didn`t post any story about my dead hamster so get your facts right, because you simply it makes you look like a dumbass OLD woman.
Oh yeah if you were "laughing at me", while you acting like such an angry bitter depressed filty sIut now.
Oh FYI, MORE people are laughing at you now swallowing your own words, filty ***** HAHAHAHAHA.

Well whatever names you people calls me isn`t what i have done, because you people are just bitter to be called a sIut when you are ACTUALLY ONE.
Just shows how immature, retarded, low IQ person you are Kelki.
GET A FREAKING LIFE SIUT.

Petrushka, "i have mental disease" huh?
That is just your idiotic assumption, you are not even a doctor, so just shut your bull butter.
Well, at least your aids results is proven positive.
No matter how old you are, you act like a mental hospital escapist hmm hopeless.

Cute, leonatan. As a matter of fact, I AM a psychologist. Not that you won't deny that also.

First of all, I did not hunt you down. You posted more on my stories than I did and not to mention calling me nasty names and a few made up ones. I responded to disagree with you and defend my stance. I will not accept being called names. If you were doing that via the US mail, or on the telephone it would be considered harassment and stalking. Just reread, some of the comments you made to Ray and others. Right now, if this were in a different form of communication he has enough evidence to convict you or commit you.
I did not even look at your profile until yesterday when Petrushka felt you had some true mental issues beyond acting like a bratty child. I now agree with him. There is nothing wrong with posting stories such as you have, but most of yours convinced me you need professional help. Your thoughts are random, scattered and just plain creepy. Now, for some reason, you have gone from posting opinions to becoming obsessed with the ILIASM stories. That is not normal for someone who is 20 and supposedly in love with her boyfriend.
Leonatan, there is something wrong! You mental state is bordering on dangerous. I will no longer be responding your posts, I will probably block you and I will need to report you. I do hope you choose to get help!

Kelki, you said that "there is something wrong with me" but you can never explain "what is wrong".
While you are wrong in so many ways, sIut, wh0re and family breaker to other families.
A sIut like you have no right to preach.
BTW, when i say hunting, i was refering to ray, i was not refering to you, shameless asswipe.

All you are saying were "opinions", note you said Petrushka "felt", but what i have stated are FACTS.No facts, you will not win in court either and just embarassing yourself.Keep your OPINIONS to yourself, i don`t need it and offer some facts.

No sIut, you need help not me, in case you get a disease LOL.

I don`t think i appreciate being called cute by you(gross), you`re a psychologist, good for you then.

Have you told your mother to whom and what you are posting on here? Do you have a loved one or a professional you can talk with? We are people you do not even know and you feel the need to shame, correct or just plain lash out at us.

This is not normal behavior! You purposefully find stories and then call the people who wrote them raunchy names. It is not respectable! It is not mature! It is obsessive! It is possibly criminal! It looks psychotic! I honestly thought you were just a naughty little girl in search of excitement BUT I am seriously worried for your safety and the safety of those around you. GET HELP SOON!

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That's a good question, isn't it? Is it a marriage...

In my personal book of values and ethics a marriage is a commitment that two consenting adults make - a commitment that may take any shape they can agree on. I don't care for mouthing traditional formulas without meaning it.

My wife promised to make me happy. Fail. I promised to do my best to always care for her, to respect her, to not take her for granted, to always do my best to do the right thing.

Having said all that, we have a partnership, and some might say partnership and marriage may be interchangeable terms, at least in one direction (not every partnership is a marriage, for sure). We have a very good partnership, one of the best I know. We both pull our weight. We both care for each other. She takes over for me when my health fails, I take over for her in the same way. She acts responsibly and takes on more of a load when she sees that something hasn't been done. We are supportive of each other. We agree on almost everything.

Is it a marriage? To me, it is. It is better than most marriages I see around me. Except that she's not receptive to passion, possibly frightened of passion, does not feel comfortable or interested around sexual things. I miss that. A lot. She does her best to be affectionate (i.e. learning how to, and she is, much more so now than 3 years ago when I first dropped in on EP because I was feeling desolate, with no affection, no contact, no intimacy).

I had been taken for granted - and I recall Enna writing something about 'the jaded marriage' a few days ago that I thought was bang on the button (as her writing always is ).

But I've also learned, this year, that I can not expect more than I am getting. This is the top of the mountain. We had The Talk a few times, and things have become clearer.
I have abandoned hope and expectation, and that has greatly eased the burden.

I think eventually, given opportunity, I may do what you have been doing. Only I will probably be open about it, subterfuge and secrecy is just not in my toolbox. But then, it may not happen at all. I may never find another person who would be passionate with me, and let me be passionate with her. In any event, my current partnership is a good one to stay in into old age. Very good. I would only like to add to it ....

But, you see, there is a lot of reciprocity here. Yes, at one point in the past it wasn't "just about sex" as the common wisdom in iliasm would have it, there were a lot more issues than that. But that other **** has been shoveled out of the door. The relationship has been revitalized.

For me, that was the deciding factor: there is reciprocity. My wife does not turn away in the middle of a talk where I am pouring my heart out and turn to the internet to look at shoes, like some poor soul here just described happening to him. Either of us may leave the room for a minute to catch some breath here, but will be right back.

I think when that engagement is no longer there, if the reciprocity isn't happening, if one person has stopped caring for the other, caring about them, lost all care, has become detached or indifferent, then that's the end of the matter. Abuse and power plays by one person are the end of the matter. Violence is the end of the matter, and, for me personally, addiction to drugs, gurus, religions, or other weird stuff is the end of the matter as well.

I'd love to hear what you think about that

hugs, -P.

"I may never find another person who would be passionate with me, and let me be passionate with her." - That is the wisest thing i ever heard a person said(enlightening).
As if you have sex with a sIut, it isn`t passion, because their is not an emotional attachment.
Whereas, someone who may not be very much into sex may love you but if sex is lacking, it isn`t passion either.
Well, in this life, you can`t always get what you want afterall, maybe in your next life.

P, we are in a similar situation. The SM just happened very soon in my marriage. I was in my early 30's. It took me many years to realize my attitude or my situation needed to change. I chose attitude! I know we never stopped caring for each other. Marriages like ours don't work if the that stops. However, we did become detached and bitter toward each other. I had to detach from him to reconnect with him in a different way. We work through reconnecting in little ways every day. My husband is the first to notice I am out of organic tomatoes and make a trip to the store to buy them and I am the first to make sure he is feeling better every morning and do everything in my power to make him laugh. But I had to come to the realization that he could not provide me with all I needed. I craved and needed more......I searched for it to become whole again.

P, I think you are one of the only other ILIASM members whom is not angry at their spouse. I will admit, I was, and I was awful, mean and bitter. I don't know when it happened. I don't know when I decided he was giving me all he was able to give, but ,I can honestly say I am happier now. Acceptance and forgiveness can powerful and even though my marriage is not the staus quo, I consider it more successful than most too.

Not all people living in "ILIASM" have an affair, they get a divorce of seperate.
So does that mean now it is ok for your husband to cheat on you?
I have plenty of offers to cheat and even if i am tempted i have never done so, if i wanted to have sex outside i will break up with my boyfriend first, so what makes you think you have the right to tell me "what kind of horrible person i am".
You are not the only one hurting.

You do understand because you have not been alive as long as I have lived in a sexless marriage. Marriage and the responsibilites associated it are many and varied. For the record, I did not call you a horrible person. However, I do think you are a child. You commenting on my stories is like me commenting on the state of affairs in India in the 1900's , I simply do have a clue. I can read about it, I can think about it but I have no business making informed comments on something I have not lived. A boyfriend before age 25 is not a serious relationship, little one!

"A boyfriend before age 25 is not a serious relationship, little one!". - Generalizations.People get married and have children at 18 nowadays so you call that not serious?
Something that is not serious, is not called a "relationship".
Those are called flings and "responsibility" is not something that can be learned, it is inborn, some people are still irresponsible even when they are 50.

Are you calling me irresponsible?

You are not married, have not been married, you are just a little girl with a boyfriend. Comments from you are pretty hard to take seriously when you have no experiences.

I am not calling you irresponsible, because you just proven yourself to be by this sentence "A boyfriend before age 25 is not a serious relationship, little one!". A sign of immaturity despite whatever the age.

Relationships are also a foundation.
FYI, what you get now is what you get in the future.
People never change and i am sure you have known that your husband will be like this even before you got married but got married anyway because he is a "good guy".

But you are immature, my dear! You are making comments to a woman who is as old as your mother and you expct to be taken seriously. You should have a lot of fun wiht your boyfriend and many others before you decide to preach to me about the state of marrraige.

"Fun" already shows what a immature woman you are.
You could be as old as my mother, but my mother isn`t like an immature **** like you.
That is nothing to preach about, you have a problem because you don`t want to accept the fact that what you did was irresponsible.
My mother did not have an affair, did not cause the family to hurt and breakup, so compared to her you LACK SO MUCH.

To think you would even compare youself to my mum, then i am sorry to say you don`t qualify as an "responsible parent".

Once again, you have proven your immaturity by calling people foul names and assuming that they are "bad" according to your limited understanding of the world around you. Trust me, if I had children at home I never raised them to be naive and close-minded and they do not judge others. I am certainly way beyond believing that a 20 something year old can offer me any useful advice. What exactly do you hope to gain from posting on my story? Do you think I will change? Do I think I will agree with you on the little tidbits of foul-mouthed comments that you spew on people's stories? Notice.... I have not called you one nasty name whatsoever. I have not accused you of anything other than letting you know that your experience or lack thereof is not appreciated or even relevant in my situation. I have many friends on here who do not agree with my choices but we still have mature coversations and not one of them feels the need to call me names such as you have. Second graders on the playground do that, not women in their 20's.

Just because you are a wh0re makes me an "immature, naive, rude, foul-mouthed, spew" girl?Aren`t this nasty name calling?Of course you told your kids not to judge, that`s just because your kids have a WH0RE of a MOTHER and THEIR MOTHER EXPECT THEM TO LOOK UP TO HER EVEN THOUGH SHE`S A *****.

BTW, it is not "name" calling when the title fits you, you did behave as a wh0re FYI.

But wh0re is not the appropriate word, at least wh0res get paid, you are just a sIut.

My biological mother has passed away.
I am talking about my adoptive mother.
Your kids and wife have left you because you are an unfit and worthless father, while i lose both parents when i was very young and have done nothing wrong to deserve this, so save us from your crap and acting like you are the only pitiful one in this world.

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For your previous comment on me on another guy`s story because that loser blocked me so i could not comment.
What makes you think that i don`t understand the pain you are going through?
But what you did - having an "affair" does not make you right either.
You are lying and cheating when you could get a divorce.
You are just being selfish for having an affair.

I was in a marraige without sex for 12 years. I made a very informed descison about what I needed to do to take care of my disabled husband and myself. I do not consider wating for something for 12 years,selfish. Possibly well- deserved but not selfish......

Define "disabled".
I know that going through divorce is not a simple task, but if other people can do it, i don`t see why you can`t.
I said you were "selfish" is not refering to your affair, but your "attitude" towards it and "self righteousness" of it.
Probably your husband provides for you alot, that is why you won`t leave.
If not i don`t see why you have a problem leaving.

MY husband ends up in he emergency room nearly every single week, I work and provide all the insurance and $$$ for us to live. You bet I am self righteous. I have to be, not too many people could survive a marriage such as this. I find the good in my husband every day but that does not mean I am not going to take care of my own needs too.

That just sounds too unrealistic.
Which "normal" and "sane" person will end up in hospital so many times a year?!?!?!
You are making this up.
LOL.
My parents have never stepped into the hospital for 20 years, despite how unhealthily my dad diet is.

Again, another example of your naive perception of the world! A bad diet has nothing to do with his illness.... My world is totally different from the pampered little life that you lead....

Because your story is just too fake.Every 8/10 person story i find on ILIASM is that their spouse has health issues.It is not that i don`t believe you, but who knows if you are exaggerating to gain sympathy.

Mind your own business busybody.

A hamster got nothing to do with ILIASM morality code, it is off topic, so what if i have a hamster, do you have to go around telling the whole world about it, busybody.

Leonatan, there is a huge difference between calling a person names like "****" or "*****" or "retard". I have read your experiences and comments to people in the ILIASM group and you are clueless about marraige and relationships in generel. You simply have not had any. Those kinds of names are mean-spirited. I do not understand how any person can call someone names like that and then make judgements on morality. You need to be judging youself before you preach to others about right and wrong. Your goal seems to be to inflict hurt on others whom do not share your views. Honestly, I have to agree with Ray on this. Your rants become more bizarre each time you comment and they become less coherent. To put things into perspective for you, you are sad because an overstuffed rodent hamster died. I am worried about making sure my husband of 20+ years gets to live. BTW, I am not looking for sympathy at all, what I seek is understanding and support. I get that from others in the group not from opinions such as yours!

Hello, you did a thing that a sIut and wh0re would do by sleeping with "many men".
I did not mean to inflict any pain.
What about you calling me "naive, foulmouthed etc".
I wasn`t being foulmouthed, if you were a sIut and i called you names then i will be unreasonable.
But the fact is you are one.
You are not being moral, you are judging me as well saying that i inflict pain upon you BASED ON YOUR OWN EMOTIONS.
Grow up and know the difference.
And wtf does it have to do with my hamster - oh yeah your stupid fu*king retarded assumption.

Lets' see. If I joined an EP group such as physics with a bunch of scientists and offered them advice on how to conduct experiments on nuclear reactors, they would tell me I was naive and it would be true. If I called them a bunch of stupid nerds who cannot get laid that would be mean-spirited and foul-mouthed. I expect people to disagree with me , I do not accept people calling me or ,others for that matter, derogatroy names. As a human being, you should know the difference. BTW, you still have not anwered the question, WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION? You barge into stories intended for people going through emotions and trials you know nothing about and expect to be respected for your opinions. You call people whom you have never met stupid and then beleive that they will listen to you advice. I do not understand your motivation, if not to try to inflict your own warped emotional judgements on others.

No offense to the scientists of the world.... I adore men with big brains!

Now i hereby tell you the "motivations".
Because you are a pest to society.
You think you are the only pitiful one in this universe and go around looking for sympathy when what you DID WAS WRONG(having an affair) when you could sought for a seperation and divorce.
And your children, one day when they find out(eventually they will) that their mum who appears to be a "saint" around them turns out to be a sIut, if i were them, i will feel utterly ashamed and disappointed that my mother is nothing but a cheap hoe, who sainty and righteous acts were just fake pretense, it`s just disgusting.

Probably i will respect you more if you are more real.

In addition,
Here is your child, he/she is the perfect boy/girl in school.
His grades are always one of the top.
He tries her best to be perfect in many ways in hopes of not disappointing or upsetting his/her "perfect" parents in his/her eyes.
Untill one day, a douchebag that his mother f*cked told someone that his/her mother is a sIut and it spread around the whole school.
Your child got mocked for having a wh0re of a mother.
Your child was emotionally/mentally affected by this.
"Why?I have been the perfect child, i have been good, what did i do to deserve this insult?" your child question himself.
He probably questioned his mother why.
*Insert what kelki will say*
Because your child is the "perfect child" in school, there will sure be many douchebag who will try to make his life miserable.
But in the past, there was nothing negative anyone can do to bring him down.
Now his mother brought him to his own doom.
He probably questioned himself "why did my mother, who emphasizes on compassion, have no compassion for his own son?"
Why his mother have to do something like this to hurt him(and for others to have a chance to hurt him) when he has done nothing WRONG to deserve this.
Now i pity your family.

What i have stated above is a example to show what harmful effect you had caused without actually KNOWING IT.So i am not here to inflict pain.And before you think of how "pathetic" you are, you are not the only one in pain, how can you even consider yourself as an mature adult when you act so irresponsibly, you are the ignorant one.

BTW, i am not hurt, i am not bitter towards you.
*Notice* how many times you used the word "hurt and resentment" in ILIASM.
So how is it feels like biting on your own tongue?

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If your husband doesn't give you what you want why don't you just leave him?
Why do you lie to yourself like this?
And why do you hurt others by staying in the marriage - don't you realize that you are hurting your husband and the other men you play with?
But you don't mind do you?
It is sad to see how HEARTLESS a sexlesss marriage can make people!!!!
Is he having affairs too to make it "more right"?

You want people to comment or think about your life and experiences otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here now would you?
So why complain when someone seeks to understand why people act the way they do...
I just want to know what made you "just NOT give a f..u..ck any more becoming a slave to fleshly pleasures"?

I wish to understand what drives you to completely surrender yourself to such practices,
And if it is worth it or if you are STILL very UNHAPPY deep down despite of boasting about all the men you ba.nged?
If such practices are truly liberating WHY are you still deep down BROKEN beyond repair?
Why aren't you truly free and why can't you feel as if you are REALLY BREATHING and only mistake freedom for a few minutes on the "meat pole"?

Interesting questions!

...it is not marriage,you want emotional intimacy he can't give,<br />
now you seek to replace it or find it with cheap thrills of the flesh,<br />
of which NONE IS TRUE...<br />
that's why you can't stay with one and go to the next...

Let's see this was written in 2008. For the record,I waited 12 years not 12 hours, 12 days or 12 months before I had sex with somone else other than my husband. I did sleep with a few men, whom still remain my friends. I sleep with one man now, whom is not my husband. Banshee, since you are more of a troll than an angel ... I invite you to continue to slime through my stories as much as you want.

.....Why feel offended when you want to convince the readers that you are proud to be a wh..o..re?!!!! It makes you a hypocrite calling people names who only reflect back the truth of what you really are, something you wish the reader should praise you for and not chastise for no?!

I agree with Banshee, there is the "divorce" option.And since from what i see you are acting like a selfish *****, i don`t think your husband is "disabled".A selfish ***** like you would not have the "compassion" to stay to take care of him.

What about you, Petrushka, Kelki and many others in the topic ILIASM, so all these animals are you too?

Sometimes, a reason is not needed for one to do something.
Example: you don`t have a reasonable/valid reason to be a wh0rehunter or a cheater too.

But well, i guess that makes you more of a dog rather than a human being.

If there is an answer/label to everything, there will not be so many "lost and confused" people.
But then again, sometimes people won`t even accept the truth of what they did, what others told them(living in fantasy) and some make up excuses for themselves.
So even if i told you the reason, you still can`t get it into the pea brain of yours.
So why is it even important for you to keep asking, you will still be living in your own self delusional world.

Talking about psychiatrists, it will not change anything.
A person cannot "change" their own "self" unless they have the "ability" to do so.
Just like if you are dog, you can`t expect it to fly like a bird.

Because it can`t and never could.
Just like a a sIut will always be a sIut, a cheater will always be a cheater, unless they are habitual ones(can change) instead of pathological(can never change), a person`s mind will never alter regardless of the circumstances.

Well meaning and sincere people like you?What have you ever contributed but your nonsense, sacarstic, ironic comments.You think that you did help anyone, that is just your own beliefs, dumbass.

Look at yourself before pushing everything on me.Didn`t you hunt down people like me and sammy as well?I did back off for sometimes and when you started the war again FATLEACHERASS.

My boyfriend and i don`t need help, however YOU need help backing off.

Ok so now you are trying to classify me among the people with serious addiction and mental health issues, i don`t and will never have any of them, due to the high level of self control that is within my DNA, that i can be "crazy" or "sane", whenever i want to.

But i was "sane" when calling you a wh0rehunter :O, i will be "crazy" to convince you that you are not one though :D.

I am still here so i am not being cowardly.
Oh dear, you actually believe you HAVE any moral value?
Because you obviously have none because you are so cheap.
Excuses, excuses and false statements.
I think you are just beyond hope, despite the number of doctors that you have seen, you are still mentally unstable and depressive, hopeless, so stop wasting other`s time due to your leaching mental unstablity.

See the similarities between animals like you and kelki, both have mental issues and claims to be contributing to your spouses ill medical condition.
OH give me a break from your fictional stories, how can someone who suffers from emotional and mental issues actually capable of taking care of another person?
BULLSHYT.

I did not waste others time on this board/leaching others people time for help that can never actually help anything.
I am not a leacher as i choose to deal with my own problems myself.
No help can never help a parasite like you.
If you cannot accept sane advice, you are hopeless.

Obviously, the answer is no -.-.

Nah, now i am going to be crazy and leave you alone.

16 More Responses

maybe your not happy in the marriage is a lot woman do find love else were when the men they are with are so brutal and you just are not happy but at the same time your afraid to leave just leave him your both not happy and they make free divorce attorneys a divorce can be like a quick pock and you could be friends after wards if hes normal.

Be honest, but also look at other things, as a man I am simply asking what are you doing to turn him on? My wife will still have sex but wont hardly kiss me and she is very abrupt, and when she's done she's done. It seems as if your doing all the right things to fix it. Marriage counseling is an obvious thing to say.<br />
<br />
My biggest contribution to you as a man....... Whatever you do, don't tell him about the other men, breaking up would be hard enough, and I've been there in his shoes, and I'm no slug. It Will Destroy Him if you tell him now.... Please let him walk away with dignity if that is what you decide.

Wow, somebody needs a hug. A little harsh there Larry. <br />
I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 23 years. We have two children and on the surface everything looks fine. But it isn't. We have not been intimate for 3 years. Not so much health reasons but more that the relationship has changed. <br />
I love my wife but am not IN LOVE with her. I feel weare moving in two separate directions.<br />
I am at the moment having an affair and although it fills a void, I feel guilty about it. Then wonder why should I? Shouldn't I deserve to be happy? It's hard to find a path.<br />
The marriage isn't a bad marriage. Just stifling I guess.<br />
I understand what you are, or did, go through, but how did you find the balance? Find your inner peace?

Well thank you Scot! I thought he was pretty mean too. I really don't regret the desions I mde to stay sane in my sexless marriage.

well...you're being a ***** by sleeping with guys when you;re actually married, even if you havent had sex for 15 years....just end it if you're gonna be a *****, he deserves a good woman..and you , well you deserve a bunch of horny guys who like to **** ******....like you

I don't know your situation, but if your hubby has lost all desire then he really needs to get into to see a urologist and start using testosterone. I personally can vouch for this as I went through this. I did not let this drag on year after year, but I knew something was wrong. My wife is smoking hot, but I did not have one ounce of desire to be physically intimate. A few weeks after the initial injection and I couldn't believe the changes. Now I give myself weekly injections and this has made all the defference in the world. All men age 40 or above should ask the doctor to test the testosterone levels whenever the foctor orders blood work.<br />
<br />
Chances are though if he is severly depressed it could still be low T(testosterone).<br />
<br />
This may not describe your situation at all, but I hope you do find resolution and avoid the divorcel<br />
<br />
Best wishes

nrvdr,
My husband has a lot of health issues, a testoserone level would be an easy fix. Mine is a long story and since this story was written in 2008 I made many decisions that changed my outlook on life in generel. I am glad you were able to make changes for the better.
May you have many years of fantastic sex!

I wasn't trying to judgemental, just another twist is all. I feel we all should have happiness in our life Best wishes

Of course, no one can tell you what is right for your life. Personally speaking, I think sex is life giving, and life affirming. Unless my husband was incapable of being sexual with me due to reasons that he had no control of, I would feel deeply rejected and honestly, I could not feel happy with a husband that doesn't want to have sex with me for reasons of his own choosing. There is time to go without a sex life, but, hopefully that is when you are too old to function, while you've got desire and passion, why waste it? Sex is a gift, one should have a grateful heart if one's body is able to enjoy sex, and one should enjoy sex for as long as humanly possible to do so. I don't understand why people want to ignore such a glorious gift. I wish you all the best.

Hillbilly,
Thanks for the comment! I wrote this story over four years ago now and I decided to not go without a sex life. Life is what it is and sometimes we take paths that others might consider a little less traveled. My husband is 11 years older than I am and sex is just not priority for him at this time, and it may never be. It's a long story but I have made a few decisions to keep myself sane and life is quite wonderful.

Good for you, blessings!

have sex fell good i do

no matter what, we experience equal amounts of pain/pleasure every moment of our lives. i have often said, "when you settle for less, you get it". only you know what your intimate values are. what is highest in your life? if you knew what makes your husband inspired, there is an interesting "trick" you can use. first do this yourself, learn to attach your marriage to your highest values. let's look at me-money of one of the 8 areas of life is at my bottom. i don't care what car i drive, what i look like, what house i live in, etc. my wife and kids are my highest value-i care what car THEY drive, what house they live in, what clothes they get to wear. so when i attached making money to my family, i made bank. even more than that. my wife? she wants me to be gentle and nice and be her friend, even when the tough times hit. (especially) so in the end, knowing each others values, we learn to attach what we want to our relationships and vice-versa. this also works with our kids. i know you know your heart and what to do. no matter what you have done or not done, no matter who you are, or who you are not, no matter who you become or do not become, you are worthy of love. best wishes, Dr. Mike

Kelki, <br />
<br />
It seems your story has been drawing comments for a number of years now. From the thread though it seems that you are staying with the relationship.<br />
<br />
Let me share. My wife and I realized a long time ago that sex and love are two totally separate things. Like most married couples our sex life died years ago, but not for lack of love. We do love each other greatly, and we are each other's best friend and partner. For us the solution was an Open Marriage, and that has evolved to become Polyamorous. In this way we both can date and engage in outside relationships that complement our marriage, without threatening it. There is no sneaking around, no jealousy, and with complete respect for each other. We want each other to have as much happiness as life can offer, and we know that it takes more than one person to meet each others needs. <br />
<br />
No one can tell you if that is the solution for you and your husband, but it may be worth consideration. I think your husband wants you to be happy, and would be more at ease knowing that your marriage is not at risk from your affairs. And maybe it becomes something new for the two of you to share. <br />
<br />
Whatever you decide to do or don't do, I wish you the best of luck.

Hi maybe you can stay married so he can have the insurance and still leave for a while to figure out your heart? Take a break maybe? Go roomate?

I feel so sorry 4 u<br />
www.hermespower.blogspot.com

I feel so sorry 4 u, <br />
www.hermespower.blogspot.com

Kelki,<br />
Certainly can empathize with you. My wife has a cronic illiness that has played a major part in our not having sex in many years. She knows that I enjoyed sex very much and would be willing to let me have affairs. I never have, but the journey has not been an easy one; and I am well aware of the fact that even though I have resisted the temptation for years the right/wrong circumstances could change that at any time. Because of that I have never comforted her that I have not had an affair. She is totally dependent on me and I do not believe I would ever leave her, but what a struggle. While sex is only part of a marriage we have grown apart in our intimancy as well; and that is a serious loss also. While I am certainly not happy; this world would be even more messed up if people would abandon their spouse, or siginificent other every time they came up against a serious obstical.

If you did have sex together - would you still want to be with him? Is that all that is missing? I'm just asking because I am in a strange point in my marriage too. But we do have sex, but he has some sexual dysfunction on and off for our entire 13 years together. But I love him and we have smallish children, so I understand that it isn't easy to just break up...... but this is my 2nd marriage, and the day I split up with my first marriage, I became myself again.

I am glad you can be honest and say you have affairs. I have a hard time being able to admit that. But when you feel like he doesnt want or desire you, then you have no where else to look but outside the relationship. <br />
<br />
I wish you luck in finding what is the best thing to do.

I have a long story and I am so confused i do not know which end is up. I met my husband in may 09 we had talked online prior but met in person then.... we had fun together saw each other on weekends due to my work and his work schedule and him leaving in a different town. I am a VERY outgoing person I like cookouts, the beach, drinking wine and cooking and being with friends. He did those things with me.... then we decided to get married and did october of 09. I traveled with me job and was only around friday - sunday night.... my 13 year old son and i moved in with him in the new town. I wanted someone that would be a great role model for my son and would treat me great and that is the way it was until...... We went on a cruise.... he complained the whole time about he didnt like this the bed wasnt comfortable i mean just everything..... the time i had the most fun was swimming with the sting rays and the night i left him in the cabin and went gambling w my gf.<br />
<br />
Not to long after he pissed the wrong person off at work and then had a black X on his back.... he was a GREAT cop.... but resigned after 19yrs. When he did that everything went down hill.... I had switched jobs so i could be home more (was home every night by 5:30 now) and I thought things would be good.... well he went into a tail spin and became so withdrawn from everyone. i knew it was a hard hit on him to leave the PD but his attitude/depression was affecting all of us not just him. He has always taken care of the outside and been somewhat of a neat freak..... well now i would clean he would come in from work and act like the house was a mess and do it.... not even acknowledging i had already done it... his relationship with my son got worse and worse.... we were newlyweds should have been having sex all the time right??? NOT.... well we wanted to have a baby.... i thought a baby would be a good thing.... i had a MC and it was devistating to us both. he now had no job so took a job out of town.... would call home every day complaining about anything and everything... he had become a very bitter and a VERY negative person.... I know I had put on weight after our marriage but I went from a 4 to a 6 and now an 8.... he hated i would drink wine..... the more he would ***** the more i would drink wine....<br />
<br />
I asked him to go with me to talk to someone and he said no.... I told him we were not a family me and my sone cook and eat.... he goes in his room and watches TV.... I like going home and being with family I would invite him he would say no.... We had a tornado hit us and he quit the job he had to come home since they wouldnt give him time off.. i suggest we should do something to the house or yard he says well we should as mom or his sister.... I ask him about a flooring in the house he says no i wask why.... "because its my f**king house".... so at that point i just threw up my hands.....we had had sex once since april.... I was lonely and miserable and I did step outside my marriage..... then i found out i was pregnant (yes by my husband) things kept getting worse..... When i found out i was pregnant I asked again for us to go to counseling..... it didnt happen..... i was miserable... I was planning on being a single mom again! Well i had a MC again..... and when i was in the hospital in pain having the MC he looks at me the whole time like it is my fault I had a MC. he blamed me for it. (keep in mind the summer he said my son was an SOB and he did not trust him or like him to much and did not want another child like him) which i KNOW he is a pian in the *** but he is still mine!<br />
<br />
So then 2 weeks ago after many crying nights and begging yelling and all i was just tired.... i was just done.... I told him I was not happy listed out all the times i tried to talk to him and wanted him to change and wanted him to be a family with me and my son but he jsut pushed us away. I told him I was looking for another place closer to work (i commute an hour one way) My son does not like being in the same room with him and at that time i just was over it..... well he then decideds he is going to change he goes and talks to the preacher and came back that evening crying and talking to me telling me he knows where he went wrong and how he was so bitter and took it out on the people that had been there for him.... he was trying to be the person i wanted all along.... but now..... I have this wall up and I dont know if I can get around it..... My family could tell there were issues my friends say I am two different people when i am around him vs not.... I just dont know what to do.<br />
<br />
My son will graduate in 2 years and then will be gone..... i am not sure i can stand to be in that house without him.... I want to do things and have fun and travel..... I want to live. My mom said I an to young not to be happy..... this is my second married the first he cheated and spent ALL of my money,,,, I fell like a failure if I leave..... I do love my husband and it breaks my heart to see him cry but it also ****** me off when he does stuff now that i always wanted him to do. why couldnt he have done it when i asked the first few times....<br />
<br />
I am not financially worried about leaving ..... I jsut dont know how long this will last and i am jsut plain old confused.....<br />
<br />
I am not in love with him any more..... but I do love him and i know without a doubt he loves me.... but right now i have to do right by my son and by me.... and i have no freaking clue what is right!!!<br />
<br />
Stay with him and see if he really has changed and my son be miserable or leave and start ALL over...in a new city.....<br />
<br />
I have made an apt with a counselor.....<br />
<br />
I just miss the fun the sex and living life to the fullest..... he likes sitting at home and history and hunting.....those are his passions...... <br />
<br />
HELP any insight?????

You know your wants, needs and history. And you know him better too. Sometimes we just make mistakes (been there done that), and it's good to admit it, cut your losses, and move on. And we have to balance that by remembering that it's a myth that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Weigh it out... You know best.
Max

People marry for all sorts of reasons. There are many happy marriages where the participants are great friends with a shared history and each have a love life on the side. Think about royalty even - separate bedrooms, separate lives, married. Marriage never used to be all about sex. <br />
<br />
having an outside love affair means eventually one or the other could meet someone that shows up with more positives than your marriage partner, in which case it can be desirable to dissolve the marriage. Quite frankly, separating from my husband is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I kind of engineered it that he left me by purposefully ignoring his needs, but I could easily have met his needs - got a good job, shared in the providing, had sex with him (ugh) but most of me knew that if I did that, we would stay in limbo. So I didn't work, created an untenable situation and he left. Because one of his primary needs is financial stability and the need to feel desirable and I undermined them.<br />
<br />
When you find yourself doing something like that to him or yourself, when the negatives outweigh the positives, it's time to consider freedom.<br />
Until then, if limbo is good enough for you and comfort and nurturing your partner is meeting some of your needs, why change the status quo?<br />
<br />
However... I have met a man that wants me. We have this mutual lust and passion and although I started my affairs a year ago, and hubby left 2 months ago, it took me many many dates and a few short "relationships" including a major rebound passionate one, to meet this man. And if I hadn't separated and gone through all the hurt and desolation of dissolving the relationship for good, losing our past together and throwing out our remembered and shared memories, I would never have been in a position to meet this man.<br />
<br />
I believe people do things because there is a payoff. When there is no longer a payoff, its time to consider options.

Thanks for sharing Backlite.. I think you tell it pretty accurate tho I've never heard it put in quite those calculating terms. Ultimately tho, human relationships, like humans, are not perfect. And we assess and adjust and change until we find enough satisfaction. Perfect would be pretty fine, but this is a real world with all of the imperfections.

Have fun!
Max

It sounds like he has diabetes. It shuts down the ability to have sex--he needs to go to a gym and work out every day, in about 2-3 months he'll be ok and have all that desire back--he'll make you sore--the way you want to be.

I'm in a very similar situation...will get out of it when major operation over.<br />
Thank you - reading this has helped me to realise i'm not on my own.<br />
Good luck!

Hi kelki my name is Roula and I live n a same situation.I don't have sex with my husband for more than a year.We are married for 29 years.It was an arrange marriage we got marry in a week.The biggest mistake of my life.Because of him my self esteem got very very low,depression panic attacks for almost 2 years.I try very hard but is not working.Like u every day I am relaizing that i Deserved someone much better.He is misserable,veru sneaky and always without money.Who's fault?Always mine.I started to believe that I was worthless.Until about 8 years ego I met the man who change my life.He brought back the Roula I thought I lost.He pushed me to go to school,and always there.I missed so many simple things in my life and now when I see how husbands spoil they're wifes. Get very mad.Why I am staying?I don't really know.I can't stand him anymore.Now is my time.I Wish us good luck

girl, dump the man. if you ain't had sex for 15 years you must not love him<br />
this new man, could be better, dump your hubby, and see how this new one works out. otherwise your trapped in a lonley world with a useless man you cant have sex with<br />
<br />
or.... you could always tlak to your hubby, ask for sex, be revealing and get some sexy costumes. buy him some sex toys and make a romantic night, he could just be shy and needs a women to step up and speak. Buy a vibrator and use it together, get his d*ck up your *** and enjoy it. if you decied to keep the hubby dump the sh*t guy who your using just for sex. SNAP xoxo

At your age, you don't need other people to tell you what will make you...unless you have a retarded mindset. Don't make a puss on making choices by seeking other people's mindset.

I think Terhenry stated it all very well and I am in a similar situation to him. That being said, your issue is what we are discussing. Marriage is a complicated thing. There are many facets that it is made of. Is your husband aware of your affairs? If he is and is accepting for the sake of your sanity then that is a fair arrangement. Is there still love between your two? I am talking about the emotional type.

but her marriage is beneficial. he is her friend and he still cares for her. just not sex. She is getting the best of both worlds. So i really don't know. <br />
<br />
It doesn't sound like you want to end it. You sound happy except for the sex. maybe try another coucler and just you for a while

I had no idea how prevalent this situation is with so many couples! I'm in year 4 of this young marriage. We both got married with the intent of having children. It seems we are challenged in that area and he has been having issues as well, so he's been avoiding at all costs, the intimacy. I can't say that insecurity doesn't affect us both: I suspect probably for him, he wishes he could secretly find out if it's something about me or it's a general issue that he's in physical decline. It's sad to wonder if a new husband would go out and find out for himself through an affair when he should be trying with me. And for myself, I see the years passing, and the fear that I'm running out of time since I'm almost 40. If we stay married, we wouldn't last long being childless together - because we don't have too much connection to keep it strong. Since he has blatantly said no to adoption - I've decided in my heart that I will do whatever it takes to know what it means to experience motherhood in my lifetime. I can't tell you how painful the rejection feels but if hunger pains are just beginning to reveal themselves for me, I have no idea how I would manage a future like this. The no sex is like being tortured! When I try to initiate, he refuses. Absolutely each one of us can make a decision only ourselves know how ( sometimes i wonder why I'm not making the decision faster!). I admire and respect the women who have been with their husbands through illness and financial challenges. That is Godly love and you are very strong that I know God is pleased by your devotion. I think it is honorable to meet our moral obligations when we took our vows. At the same time, we feel the passing of time on our bodies, in our energy levels and the desire to fight for a full robust life. It's the intimacy through the union that recharges us and makes us feel young and vibrant! In many ways our men fail to realize their responsibility and they must (in God's world) want to provide us with satisfaction. Why are men failing in their duties despite challenges when we too feel our need with them. Why do they turn the other cheek? I feel thankful to know that I'm not alone in my worries, in my challenges, in my inability to forge through with the courage i wish I would have to fight for our happiness. Maybe for many of us women, it is the only lifeline that is keeping us alive and full of this life force. I am shocked by what they show us in adverts and what the real world is like. These are full deceptions that we should warn all women about especially if marriage is forever. I only hope that each one of us can find the balance in our lives to be whole and full. May God bless you all.

Well kelki, by the sounds of it you want to stay married tot his man for sure. you just need to get him to show you the physical intimacy. it sound slike he wants to but just cant, help him all you can, leave brichures, cards, tell him you love him and want your marriage to be perfect, but if he doesnt help himslef you will have no choice but to seek intimacy elsewhere and you dont want to realy do that. you want that with him, if he does nothing after while, he will knowits his fault the marriag has dissolved. youre a good woman for trying for so long, but you can only be expected to take so much.

I'm in a marriage too,sexless. Going on 2 years & no hope in sight. We have taked about it too. Just to end in arguments and blame. We both have given up. How sad.<br />
We both love each other in other ways And just deal with going with out. He works 12 hrs a day ,six days a week so no wonder no sex.<br />
I get angry inside because of lack of attention. I'm getting older now too and often wonder will I ever have sex again? After all I"m only humen. I feel like right now just a house wife And maid service.

no you don't hav a marrige, but i have to say its not all your husbands fault. yeah he wont have sex with you but still you atleast owe him the respect of him being your only. how do you think he would feel? with our affairs? im not trying to be maen but it takes 2 to create marrige and it takes 2 to destroy it. i cant even explain how wrong it is, i mean did he say in his vows he promised to make love with you? i doubt it. did you say anything about loving him, being faithful? i know you read books and try to communicate but that isnt enough. what if you hadn't been having affairs and you husband did? i dont think you would be very happy. you owe it to him to be faithful, THAT is why so many marriges fail not the number one reason but a big one on the list of why marriges fail. TALK to him more but not all out as in "why wont you make love with me?" start small, peak his intrests, i book wont tell you how to fix your marrige, each marrige is diffrent, and thats one reason they are so special. like i said you owe it to be faithful it's not all your fault but you cant blame it on him either. be fair, be honest, be loyal. thats will help your marrage. one more thing you should have done something BEFORE this not 15 years after there was a problem. but focus on now and if your marrige really isnt happy then try to get biger help than just you, seek out outside help dont bottel, and if you love your husband with all your heart, and i mean ALL of it not just a little peice for the other guys ALL of your heart, then mabey the marrige is to gone to fix

sumtimes we get love where we find it. if we can not get it at home we'll take wat we find along the road. it might sound cruel but that is life. its not always kind or fair. my brother taught me this 'never judge someone or lookdown their decision in a situation that you've never been'

Hii all i just found experince project and i like it . i have the same story i engaged for a nice and good man last year, he is very nice and his family is amazing, we will get married next month,, the first day i engaged to him he kiss me and we have agood time but after that nothing happened between us, i need a warm man he feel about me , i will get married next month and we still not talking about this subject , my family and his family said it will be change when we get married, honestly i don't think so, wish every thing will change at the honey moon, i need him beside me feel about me ,i don't want a marrige without sex without feeling ,

My ex and I had communication issues. He would not talk about things that bothered him where as I would. I was considered a nagging so & so. He would sulk for days, I never knew what was wrong. In the end, after 7 years - 5 being without any phyical relationship, he decided it was over. I was devastated but a year done the track, I wonder why I stayed so long. I wasn't happy but didn't know what to do about it. I suppose I was scared, but in the end, standing on my own two feet was quite liberating. I didn't realise how his attitudes were crushing my sense of self or my confidence. I am doing well now and wish I hadn't wasted so much time on a total loser. <br />
<br />
The issue for you is how do you feel about everything. If he started to pay you attention, would you be happy or is it really too late?

Not that you need any more notes on this as you have received so many....<br />
<br />
Only you can answer the question you have posed. You are ultimately left empty at home and try to fill that void in other ways.<br />
<br />
We all deserve to be truly loved, but there is no right to any of it. It isn't a fault of yours or your husbands'. Rather, you both will need to figure out the right thing to do.

When was the last time you got horny at the thought of your husbands kiss again?

I'm in a simuliar marriage.Heatlh issues and no sex. I have tried like you to find answers. I think we all have desires and needs. There is not one person that we meet that can fulfill allare needs. I believe you can have affairs and love those lovers if they feel the same. Staying in our marriage because of their health issues is admirable. Never kick and old dog to the curb so to speak.<br />
Do what you can to make up your mind .If you leave maybe you can help him in some program to be taken care of both health wise and a roof over his head. If you stay then just accept the situation and see your lover. If your lover really cares for you they will be there for you as time goes by. It depends on the type of lover you have hooked up with. Some lovers only love you when their playing and some are there for a long,long,time. Believe me I know.

I wish I would have come across this subject matter a long time ago... I'm a soon to be 50 yr old that is in a similar situation. Altho I am the one with the health issues, I have fibromyalgia and believe I have had it since my early 20s. I have 3 grown children and a young one still at home, had my last when I was 41. This is my second marriage, and I am having a hard time accepting the fact that I had the most unbelievable luck in being married to 2 men that can not perform in bed and would do nothing to fix that! My first marriage lasted nearly 13 yrs.... I never had an affair, but had plenty of chances. And though that marriage was also tainted with abuse by my ex, I felt too guilty to stray, and eventually found the courage to leave. <br />
<br />
My second marriage came on the heals of being independent and happy with myself again. I thought I married my soul mate.... shorty into the marriage I became pregnant for our child, and to me it was a wonderful gift. But, also shortly after this my husband showed no signs of interest in being sexual, though there were indications prior to the marriage. There were also indications he had a performance issue, but I felt it was just a natural progression to us becoming older. <br />
<br />
Now nearly 10 yrs in this marriage, a year ago I found myself realizing the relationship was based on 2 people needing to fulfill emptiness, loneliness, loss. We really did not have anything in common, and he never was a talker. I guess I just didn't see this. And the companionship we thought was there, is now just 2 people co existing in the same home, sleeping in separate rooms, raising a child. <br />
<br />
As for my health issues, even though I do have a condition that waxes and wains I am still very much interested in a sexual, intimate relationship. I had a hysterectomy in Dec 05 and thought oh well there goes my womanhood..... not so! Wondering if most of our issues about intimacy and sexuality is created in our heads.... :) I love the intimate, sensual, romantic and passionate part of a good relationship... though that isn't everything, if you don't have similar goals, interests, or companionship what else is there?<br />
<br />
For me I gave up a career, haven't worked in 9 yrs because I agreed to stay home and finish raising my children, family. Now I am a displaced home maker, needing to work because my husband lost his job 1 1/2 yrs ago due to the corp going bankrupt and closing. He sat home on unemployment for most of that time, not wanting to even venture into looking for a job. He is retired military so we do have that income and health coverage... and he has since gone back to college. We have lost everything since this as well.... our home, our credit, and no work to be found!<br />
<br />
If I wanted to work again, it will be difficult to find anything that will be of any significant income, nor do I feel anyone will be willing to take a chance with a women that has been out of work for so long. I tried to go back to collage as well, only to find my husband's income is too high to qualify for funding, but hey I can get student loans.... (rolling my eyes) like I can afford to do that. <br />
<br />
For the reason I am responding to this topic.... I met someone a yr ago online, he lives in another country, but we developed a very strong bond in many ways. We both fell in love, spend as much time as we can in an online world trying to find that intimacy through writing poetry and such to express our love.... this is probably the most painful type of relationship I have ever experienced! Though highly unlikely we will find the means to ever meet physically, never say never.... yet I find myself needing to feel and express that closeness. So I am wondering, what is wrong with me that I keep finding men whom are unable to fulfill my needs and desires? Or, is it just that there are many men and women out there experiencing the same intimacy issues and we just haven't found the right match? <br />
<br />
My husband is a great guy, but we do not have anything bonding us but our child... and sadly she sees the lack of love between her parents, and at her age seems to realize mom and dad need to find love somewhere else. Odd.... <br />
<br />
With my illness comes many other associated syndromes... depression is one of them, though I have never experienced this during all the yrs I've had this, until a year ago! I have found myself feeling much sadness and the desire to find someone that can love me and provide the intimacy and companionship I have longed for most of my life.... yet I fear, will all situations eventually end as my 2 marriages have? I have / had worked very hard to keep both marriages healthy and loving, yet the men do not show any desire to become part of that fix... counseling, medical help for them etc never was of interest to them. <br />
<br />
My heart feels so empty, and I'm at a loss for what to do.... I have no income of my own, and my health care is provided by my husbands military retirement. I don't stay because of this, though it is a motivating factor because I can not find work. It just seems like staying is the lesser of two evils.... yet the longer I stay the worse my depression seems to become. Medications only cover the emotions like a bandage, and numb me to what needs to be done. I want to feel loved and want to feel needed.... :( and having a very hard time accepting this is all that will be of the rest of my life, and too because I am not getting any younger, will I ever have what I long to experience?

Slap that b*tch and say I'm leaving if you don't do something.

It seems like in your situation, you were pretty much forced to have an affair. people are different, some could go the rest of their lifetime without intimacy even though it bothers them and some can't live that way at all. In your case, he put you in that situation. I feel for you. My case is similar too but I'm separated and haven't had an affair as of yet. Who knows if we"ll get back together and who knows if I'll never have an affair.

As a man with health issues who was married to a woman who also had health issues, I can identify with both sides of your story. My wife passed away about 4 months ago. We got married about 11 years ago so that she could be on my insurance. We did have sex after our marriage but the frequence was already decreasing. I think the last time we tried was the day the Supreme Court said sodomy wasn't the government's business. We tried, I failed.<br />
<br />
But we still loved one another. You mentioned the word <i>intimacy</i> several times in connection with other words that weren't physically sexual but rather emotionally intimate. That is what my wife and I still shared. I had affairs while married to my first two wives but not while married to my third wife. That's what worked for me. <br />
<br />
I feel sorry for you. Not because you are having affairs but rather that something has made you feel like it's necessary. I do feel your pain.

LMAO! I did not have sex for 12 years. Tell me this RKH: Would you have the strength to live without sex for most of your life? Would you stay with a spouse whom has health problems, who depends on you for financial support and insurance OR Would you leave him or her so you could have intimacy. At this point there were days my marriage left me more emotionally shredded then the ending of an affair ever could. Maybe I did not get a cookie cutter life but I am happy. I have a fulfilling job, a husband that can still make me laugh despite his illness and a lover/friend. <br />
<br />
""Don't judge a man until you've walked two moons in his moccasins." "<br />
— Sharon Creech (Walk Two Moons)

Yes, you are having your cake 'ala mode' ... there is fun and fulfillment. When you were dating your husband I assume that you were having fun too, but for some reason things tend to change with commitment. <br />
<br />
If you choose to leave the marriage is it because there is someone waiting in the wings?<br />
<br />
Moving on ... I make no assumption that because you are a woman that you will be emotional and thus hurt - gender doesn't matter. Emotions happen whether one reveals them or not. <br />
<br />
You made an interest point about emotional maturity and accepting the consequences of your actions. Just curious, what are (or what will be) the consequences?

RKH,<br />
Honestly, my experience is I am having my cake a la mode. Your comment is a complete double standard. You assume since I am a woman I will become emotional and thus hurt. If I do, that has already happened many times in my marriage and having an affair that ends is just part of life right now. I am emotionally mature enough to accept the consequences of my actions and thus keep the affair as a mutually beneficial relationship based on sex and friendship. I have now been with the same person for over a year and it is always new, always fulfilling and always FUN!

At some point you will want more from these men .... they are having their cake and eating it to & you will end up emotionally shredded.

This is funny question, but how do you find the men? I'm looking for someone to fulfill my needs, and I'm a little afraid to jump into it, I've been in a sexless marriage for 15 years, and I'm feeling the lonliness, emptiness, and the complete emotional void.

I did leave my husband because of lack of intimacy , we were married for 3 years and i am only 26 , do i think it was selfish ? no , because he never tried , i did my part all this time , tried to be a good wife, step mother, daughter in law, u name it , and even so whenever i would go through the effort of creating a romantic environment there would be excuse after excuse .<br />
we had the talk about him having a health problem, well if that is the case he never went to get it checked and i couldnt hold his hand and dragg him to the doc myself, he is not a child and obviously this issue wasnt important to him, so i wasnt that important to him.<br />
and when it comes to intimacy , there are many ways to make the other partnet feel wanted and give pleasure even if one person has performance issues, well he never even tried any of that.<br />
we are still great friends , but do i desire him or think i ever will, NO , not after so many times of him telling me NO <br />
so i guess if u are ok with the situation ur in , then u can stay in ur marriage , or u can leave, keep him as a friend and support him and have a real relationship and be fully content with no burdains

If you have to cheat to keep the marriage going I say leave. I am contemplating similiar issues in my relationship but I just can not cheat. That only makes the relationship that much worse especially if you plan to try to work things out at all.

If you have the means to leave, and if you think you will be happier outside of the marriage -- DO IT!<br />
<br />
Omg, I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your situation. My parents live like you do. Separate rooms for about 12-13 years. I'm sure both of them have had affairs, even if I have no evidence for it. I'm not mad. I see what they're going through. <br />
<br />
Right now I'm 23 and single. Hoping to find the right guy, to explore my sexuality, have someone to cuddle with, snuggle with, have incredible conversations with, etc. If I spend my 20s searching, only a few years enjoying, and the rest of my years *regretting* a marriage -- then what's the point?! <br />
<br />
Never feel like it's too late for you. You are so young!! <br />
<br />
To give you an extreme example, a few years ago, my great aunt got remarried, at 74!!! She found a wonderful man, who was a widower (she's a widow, too), and they are very very happy now. :-)

im about in the same boat. but i have 3 children. hes made sure i have no car no job no independance and no where to go

Don't let anybody judge you. You are unique. If it works for you to stay with your husband, but have certain needs fulfilled elsewhere, then that is what you should do.

Your story is similar to mine. I do want to divorce and be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. But what is the hurry, this might end up in the same way......

either learn to live without sex or get out of relationship because i don't think you should have to separate the two.

either learn to live without sex or get out of relationship because i don't think you should have to separate the two.

My heart went out to you Kelki. So much of what you wrote reminds me of my life. I miss a sexual relationship too..but not necessarily with my husband. I gave up wanting him when he gave up wanting me, 9 years ago.I stay for some of the same reasons, but my children are grown and now I have grandkids whom I want to have great memories of their grandparents. We don't fight, we don't love. We just exist. It's like brother and sister living together. I am only 62, and forgot how much I enjoy sex...I thought I was all dried up, but recently reunited with someone from my past, and it was marvelous. I guess my memores of that will have to last me a very long time. I feel sad a lot of the times, but don't want to be just another divorced woman ..out there.<br />
I stopped wishing I had a great sex life with my husband, he also doesn't turn me on...actually when I think about it...I lost that feeling a long time ago. My husband is 11 years older than me, I was 22 when we met and he had problems with sex even then. I seriously think he's never been much of a sexual person anyway, and maybe I married him too quickly and for all the wrong reasons. Some days I wish we would have a huge argument, and I could pack and leave. But I am so scared. Is this the way to live?

Tygerbaby,<br />
Do you honestly think I went into this marriage knowing there would be no sex? I was 27 within 3 years he stopped making love to me, despite my advances, my suggestions, and my outright anger and confusion. I was not naive about marriage, I even married for love. Maybe on some level I do still love him. I married a best friend , a guy with a great sense of humor,all the right reasons to marry. We still have things to talk about but there is no sex. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and have children. Maybe it is a marriage based on guilt and responsibility at this time. I question that daily but until I work it all out I am not going to deny myself anymore, 12 years was a very long time. If that makes me self-centered so be it. Honestly, he gets the best of me now. The anger has turned to acceptance. I pray you never have to make the choices that myself and some of the others on the site have to make. I never ever made a decision to cheat out of anger, I did because I knew deep down I could not just leave him without giving him at least part of what he needed from me.<br />
<br />
"Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit." - Peter Ustinov

Ask yourself why did you get married in the first place?<br />
<br />
Was it love. lust, money, drunk night out, don't know?<br />
That is the route to the answer of whether or not you should stay married! Marriage was never intended to be a sometimeish deal but people are so self centered that it turns out that way almost 75 percent of the time.<br />
<br />
I may be a bit younger but I sure do have experience in this department! My husband and I always come back to the same result no matter what our issues may be .. we will work it out because we Love and Adore eachother!

try this book which states eatg raw can change many dire situations like terminal illnesses even!<br />
<br />
by aajonus vonderplanitz 'we want to live'.<br />
published by carnelian bay castle press,llc.p.o.box 7100-47 santa monica CA 90406-7100 USA.<br />
<br />
u cn also watch him on you tube;just type his name. <br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Aajonus+Vonderplanitz&search_type=&aq=f<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abg8l2Zs7d8<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x06rf3oBCSI&feature=related<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mNMDF7vlls&feature=fvw<br />
<br />
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgJmx1hr0zc&NR=1<br />
<br />
also watch life changing channel, n prayers too<br />
http://www.kcm.org/media/index.php?p=media<br />
<br />
for 24 hr prayer centre worldwide,<br />
www.jesuscalls.org<br />
email: paul@jesuscalls.org<br />
stella@jesuscalls.org<br />
evangeline@jesuscall.org<br />
<br />
God bless u for wantg to hang o for his sake altho th temptation for sexual intmacies r too great.<br />
<br />
God the Holy Spirit is our Helper, so as u call to Him, He strengthens u in ur dark moments now.He is the only solution,dear!<br />
<br />
Glad that u did not take th easiest way out by throwg in th towel. Surely God will bring a miracle to you n hubby!<br />
<br />
God bless you both with happiness n peace.

Hi Kelki...my 2 cents worth...it sounds like there is a bond there that is worth keeping and working on... I do believe there is love there between you as you still live together and try to work your problems out....and to me that is worth the effort of keeping the marriage intact...<br />
<br />
Suggestion.....perhaps look at changing the way you are viewing your infidelities.... be open with him about them... affairs that are shared in openness and honesty with the primary partner in a relationship can be a real bonus in healing and pulling a relationship together....in that if the husband is respected honoured and loved by the honesty and open sharing the wife gives him...can make him appreciate and love her more to know that she loves him enough to share every part of her life including its intimacy that he may not be able to take part in physically... <br />
<br />
I personally know some married women who have done this and their marriages were not only saved but blossomed into a happiness in their marriages that they had never thought possible....<br />
<br />
Could be worth a try....it worked for my own marriage too...and I never came across any disasters in the wide circle of relationships that I knew had done this in the 10 or more years we engaged in it...not that it says none occurred...I just didnt come across any...

I have no idea about this but. But I think that you staying was absolutely wonderful of you. Some things in life are beyond explanation and reason. Or maybe I'm just young. But I would have done what you did stayed. I don't know about the affairs. But for the first time in my life I have I think read a plausible reason for an affair. You weren't or aren't being selfish in my opinion if it was any other scenario, it would be different, people should just leave if they are not happy with their partners and would like to see other people, why disrespect someone and be an obstacle in the other persons way to actually maybe have a better life. But here you are staying for him more so for him then for yourself. Usually the kids are involved etc, but your staying for him. You could pick up and move on but your staying so you can help him. And i dont know what marriage is but i assume for me this is what it is, when the world out there is waiting for you but you decide to stay back for someone you love.<br />
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I don't have a clue about these things, but usually having a somewhat conservative view and someone who isn't big on love either, I think it's great you stayed. Good Luck an i hope things take a turn for the better SOON. <br />
Good Luck ! <br />
Twilight.

'Since he shuts down when we talk about it, what am I supposed to do, leave him without health care, without money...<br />
I wouldn't do that to a friend.'<br />
<br />
Yes -- that's exactly what you should do. We have friendships and relationships because the are mutually beneficial and rewarding. That no longer characterizes your relationship and the longer you stay in it the more bitter you will become and the more regrets you will have in life. Time to get excited about turning over a new leaf in life.

Why the **** do some people think that it's better to tear a relationship apart ? It's not 'better', it's just different than what you would choose. There is no better or worse, only what yo, and what you don't.

I certainly can identify with the missing intimacy in the relationship. In my case, it's the wife...I can't say I've had to deal with years of it (well, we did take off two years around the time our third child was born). We still get "together" now but even though she seems to enjoy it DURING the act, I'm the only one that seems to have a "memory" of the enjoyment. I almost feel like it's a chore to her and that she does it for me which of course makes me feel horrible. She doesn't exhibit any "desire" for me and most of the time, she acts like anything to do with intimacy sickens her. <br />
<br />
I have had daydreams about affairs but my senses kick in and I think about all of the things it would affect, especially my three kids and although I miss a lot about my wife, I know this would have a permanent destructive affect on our marriage. I guess I hold onto the hope and faith that it will get better at some point so I've never pursued an affair. I've got some self esteem issues, mainly because I've always felt like I wasn't desired in my relationships. I too have done the counseling thing.. the jury's still out on that success or failure. <br />
<br />
The big question for me is how do you feel better about feeling "desired" when it's the actions from other people happening (or not) that make you feel desired???

Have you ever considered that she might be a lesbian?
why dont you ask her.
YOU might be suprised at her response.
I dont know if you have checked out other forums on here but LOTS of women love their husbands and want to be in the marriage but are gay,myself included.
needing to feel desired is important,maybe yall should talk about the situation,be completely honest.

Have you really told your wife how you feel? Have you told her that honestly you have thought about having an affair because she doesn't make you feel desireable enough? For me, if I heard that coming from my husband it would probably **** me off a little, make me feel grateful for the honesty and damn sure make me want to start figuring out how to maka him feel better because I would be scared of the thought of losing him. Oh yeah, and I think it could also be a huge turn on to her to hear that it's still HER that you want and not some other woman.

Honestly, Tspunky, there have been lots of ugly, lengthy arguments and conversations. At some point, it is better to just stop trying to work it out and move toward just filling the need for the time being. I think about divorce and frankly at this point my husband cannot live without me. There are several things that keep me happy and it's not just sex. My job is great, we have many mutual as well as separate friends, and we still do a lot of things together. In some ways, I have a decent marriage. I don't think he wants or needs to hear about just my unhappiness so until then I will just keep myself and him as content as possible. Who knows maybe the future will be different but right now, this works. Passion in the bedroom is only one aspect of my life, I have many and today I am blessed and content and HAPPY! Are you married, BTW? Just curious.

I think i do understand ur point of view, being in the same state as u. i have been in a sexless marriage too and appreciate ur urges...but u know something...what u said is right...u can get over the sex issue, like u have..after disclosing it to him and he would say yes certainly. But the more difficult and felt loss is the emotional closeness and intimacy...u feel this more, since it touches ur higher senses. And in another aspect..one of not hurting him and repeatedly raising the same issue is no way of dealing...since this can happen to anybody..so passion in the bedroom is one aspect and u have made arrangements for the same, but if he is too cold and with absolutely no intimacy at all, then one should ponder seperation/ divorce i feel. May god be with you and i am sure you both will work this out in a way as not to hurt both ur selves.

In my honest opinion you need to really talk to your husband with a lengthy conversation that may cause an ugly argument, but at the same time one that should have been talked out years ago. I think we all deserve a healthy marriage, but not one that only provides financial support or lack of arguing. You are obviously searching for a missing piece with these other men, as they are also missing something in their marriages as well. I know that talking to your husband and telling him that his actions or lack of emotion, cuddling, sensitivity etc is ruining your marriage will not be easy, but you need to look at the large picture and what will bring both of you the greatest happiness. You may find that being seperated at first will answer a lot of questions for both of you, it may empower you to divorce for your own sanity and complete happiness, but it may also open up his own heart and see what emptiness he is placing our your marriage. <br />
<br />
Good luck to you, but do find happiness, complete whole hearted happiness where you are fulfilled. God loves you, and wants all his children to be happy.

It's easy for people to say, just get a divorce. After that long in a marriage there are so many roots and branches to the relationship that the idea of ending it would be far more destructive than an affair. You obviously care a lot about your husband's well-being, otherwise you wouldn't have such compassion about the health insurance, etc.<br />
<br />
It's natural to want to satisfy your needs and desires on every level, and where there's a deficit (sex in this case) it needs to be addressed (or would that be undressed?)<br />
<br />
If you're hungry, you eat; but if you can't find food, pretty soon it becomes the only thing you think about. <br />
<br />
Good luck, I think you're on the right track.

I like the food analogy...

Well, since he shuts down when you try to talk about it, obviously he's not ready to talk about it. Maybe he might be more willing to see a therapist on his own to get his problems out in the open.

Honestly by some standards I am treated well. He's always been a gift giver, I guess that is how he shows affection. But there is no intimacy. He has health issues and is on my insurance so I stay. I am not unhappy and in some ways I do love him, we've been through a lot together. It has been so long since we have has sex, desire is not even something we talk about. I tried a last ditch effort a couple of years ago, I dragged him to a counselor. After 5 months of that, I saw it going nowhere, he was so stoic. So I started screaming at him. I told him he had 6 months to get his health issues under control so we could have a real marriage. He screamed back a few times but then shut down. The 6 months passed.... That was the day I decided to meet someone and take care of my needs, after 12 years. I told him I had no choice, I was considering an affair. So I did. I am more content now than I was crying every weekend over the loss intimacy in my marriage. Am I lying? I just have not told him the details. Do I still love him? Of course. And I beleive he loves me, I think his loss of not being able to perform is something he cannot get over. I can't solve that for him. I used to think it was selfishness on his part. Since he shuts down when we talk about it, what am I supposed to do, leave him without health care, without money...<br />
I wouldn't do that to a friend.

I can tell you from someone who escaped an unhappy marriage: it's liberating. We actually get along better now that we've split. You deserve to be treated well, and if he's not treating you well, you deserve to know why. What's keeping you together? Do you still love him?

I personally think infidelity happens when you dont love or desire your mate...In your case he does not desire you. So you have the right to look for who desires you...If you are at peace with your marriage by lieing to your spouse, than only you know if you can live with that in your conscous....But when he does find out be prepared for war.....Good luck...

Only you can answer that question. Affairs may help in the moment but ultimately leave you feeling more empty. We all deserve to be truly loved. It isn't your fault that your husband decided not to honor the vows he made to you. You will figure out the right thing to do for you.