Is It a Marriage?

I am wondering how I got to this point in my life.  My husband and I have not had sex for 15 years.  I have been having affairs for three.  I don't tell anyone about my private life.  I have been lucky, I have found men I can trust who are in similiar situations. I am finally at times happy and centered. However, in the back of my mind I know I deserve more. I love the closness of a warm male next to me, the deep kisses, being held and cuddled.  I read the repair you marriage books, shared all the information with my husband but nothing changes. I have changed. Since figuring out I am desirable, I feel younger. am more relaxed and my husband and I no longer fight. So I guess that is a good thing.  Is it worth staying in my marriage to keep up the facade or should I leave? OR is it even a marriage?

Kelki Kelki
46-50, F
80 Responses Oct 26, 2008

I don't know your situation, but if your hubby has lost all desire then he really needs to get into to see a urologist and start using testosterone. I personally can vouch for this as I went through this. I did not let this drag on year after year, but I knew something was wrong. My wife is smoking hot, but I did not have one ounce of desire to be physically intimate. A few weeks after the initial injection and I couldn't believe the changes. Now I give myself weekly injections and this has made all the defference in the world. All men age 40 or above should ask the doctor to test the testosterone levels whenever the foctor orders blood work.<br />
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Chances are though if he is severly depressed it could still be low T(testosterone).<br />
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This may not describe your situation at all, but I hope you do find resolution and avoid the divorcel<br />
<br />
Best wishes

My husband has a lot of health issues, a testoserone level would be an easy fix. Mine is a long story and since this story was written in 2008 I made many decisions that changed my outlook on life in generel. I am glad you were able to make changes for the better.
May you have many years of fantastic sex!

I wasn't trying to judgemental, just another twist is all. I feel we all should have happiness in our life Best wishes're being a ***** by sleeping with guys when you;re actually married, even if you havent had sex for 15 years....just end it if you're gonna be a *****, he deserves a good woman..and you , well you deserve a bunch of horny guys who like to **** ****** you

Wow, somebody needs a hug. A little harsh there Larry. <br />
I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 23 years. We have two children and on the surface everything looks fine. But it isn't. We have not been intimate for 3 years. Not so much health reasons but more that the relationship has changed. <br />
I love my wife but am not IN LOVE with her. I feel weare moving in two separate directions.<br />
I am at the moment having an affair and although it fills a void, I feel guilty about it. Then wonder why should I? Shouldn't I deserve to be happy? It's hard to find a path.<br />
The marriage isn't a bad marriage. Just stifling I guess.<br />
I understand what you are, or did, go through, but how did you find the balance? Find your inner peace?

Well thank you Scot! I thought he was pretty mean too. I really don't regret the desions I mde to stay sane in my sexless marriage.

Be honest, but also look at other things, as a man I am simply asking what are you doing to turn him on? My wife will still have sex but wont hardly kiss me and she is very abrupt, and when she's done she's done. It seems as if your doing all the right things to fix it. Marriage counseling is an obvious thing to say.<br />
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My biggest contribution to you as a man....... Whatever you do, don't tell him about the other men, breaking up would be hard enough, and I've been there in his shoes, and I'm no slug. It Will Destroy Him if you tell him now.... Please let him walk away with dignity if that is what you decide.

maybe your not happy in the marriage is a lot woman do find love else were when the men they are with are so brutal and you just are not happy but at the same time your afraid to leave just leave him your both not happy and they make free divorce attorneys a divorce can be like a quick pock and you could be friends after wards if hes normal. is not marriage,you want emotional intimacy he can't give,<br />
now you seek to replace it or find it with cheap thrills of the flesh,<br />
of which NONE IS TRUE...<br />
that's why you can't stay with one and go to the next...

Let's see this was written in 2008. For the record,I waited 12 years not 12 hours, 12 days or 12 months before I had sex with somone else other than my husband. I did sleep with a few men, whom still remain my friends. I sleep with one man now, whom is not my husband. Banshee, since you are more of a troll than an angel ... I invite you to continue to slime through my stories as much as you want.

.....Why feel offended when you want to convince the readers that you are proud to be a!!!! It makes you a hypocrite calling people names who only reflect back the truth of what you really are, something you wish the reader should praise you for and not chastise for no?!

I agree with Banshee, there is the "divorce" option.And since from what i see you are acting like a selfish *****, i don`t think your husband is "disabled".A selfish ***** like you would not have the "compassion" to stay to take care of him.

What about you, Petrushka, Kelki and many others in the topic ILIASM, so all these animals are you too?

Sometimes, a reason is not needed for one to do something.
Example: you don`t have a reasonable/valid reason to be a wh0rehunter or a cheater too.

But well, i guess that makes you more of a dog rather than a human being.

If there is an answer/label to everything, there will not be so many "lost and confused" people.
But then again, sometimes people won`t even accept the truth of what they did, what others told them(living in fantasy) and some make up excuses for themselves.
So even if i told you the reason, you still can`t get it into the pea brain of yours.
So why is it even important for you to keep asking, you will still be living in your own self delusional world.

Talking about psychiatrists, it will not change anything.
A person cannot "change" their own "self" unless they have the "ability" to do so.
Just like if you are dog, you can`t expect it to fly like a bird.

Because it can`t and never could.
Just like a a sIut will always be a sIut, a cheater will always be a cheater, unless they are habitual ones(can change) instead of pathological(can never change), a person`s mind will never alter regardless of the circumstances.

Well meaning and sincere people like you?What have you ever contributed but your nonsense, sacarstic, ironic comments.You think that you did help anyone, that is just your own beliefs, dumbass.

Look at yourself before pushing everything on me.Didn`t you hunt down people like me and sammy as well?I did back off for sometimes and when you started the war again FATLEACHERASS.

My boyfriend and i don`t need help, however YOU need help backing off.

Ok so now you are trying to classify me among the people with serious addiction and mental health issues, i don`t and will never have any of them, due to the high level of self control that is within my DNA, that i can be "crazy" or "sane", whenever i want to.

But i was "sane" when calling you a wh0rehunter :O, i will be "crazy" to convince you that you are not one though :D.

I am still here so i am not being cowardly.
Oh dear, you actually believe you HAVE any moral value?
Because you obviously have none because you are so cheap.
Excuses, excuses and false statements.
I think you are just beyond hope, despite the number of doctors that you have seen, you are still mentally unstable and depressive, hopeless, so stop wasting other`s time due to your leaching mental unstablity.

See the similarities between animals like you and kelki, both have mental issues and claims to be contributing to your spouses ill medical condition.
OH give me a break from your fictional stories, how can someone who suffers from emotional and mental issues actually capable of taking care of another person?

I did not waste others time on this board/leaching others people time for help that can never actually help anything.
I am not a leacher as i choose to deal with my own problems myself.
No help can never help a parasite like you.
If you cannot accept sane advice, you are hopeless.

Obviously, the answer is no -.-.

Nah, now i am going to be crazy and leave you alone.

16 More Responses

If your husband doesn't give you what you want why don't you just leave him?
Why do you lie to yourself like this?
And why do you hurt others by staying in the marriage - don't you realize that you are hurting your husband and the other men you play with?
But you don't mind do you?
It is sad to see how HEARTLESS a sexlesss marriage can make people!!!!
Is he having affairs too to make it "more right"?

You want people to comment or think about your life and experiences otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here now would you?
So why complain when someone seeks to understand why people act the way they do...
I just want to know what made you "just NOT give a any more becoming a slave to fleshly pleasures"?

I wish to understand what drives you to completely surrender yourself to such practices,
And if it is worth it or if you are STILL very UNHAPPY deep down despite of boasting about all the men you ba.nged?
If such practices are truly liberating WHY are you still deep down BROKEN beyond repair?
Why aren't you truly free and why can't you feel as if you are REALLY BREATHING and only mistake freedom for a few minutes on the "meat pole"?

Interesting questions!

For your previous comment on me on another guy`s story because that loser blocked me so i could not comment.
What makes you think that i don`t understand the pain you are going through?
But what you did - having an "affair" does not make you right either.
You are lying and cheating when you could get a divorce.
You are just being selfish for having an affair.

I was in a marraige without sex for 12 years. I made a very informed descison about what I needed to do to take care of my disabled husband and myself. I do not consider wating for something for 12 years,selfish. Possibly well- deserved but not selfish......

Define "disabled".
I know that going through divorce is not a simple task, but if other people can do it, i don`t see why you can`t.
I said you were "selfish" is not refering to your affair, but your "attitude" towards it and "self righteousness" of it.
Probably your husband provides for you alot, that is why you won`t leave.
If not i don`t see why you have a problem leaving.

MY husband ends up in he emergency room nearly every single week, I work and provide all the insurance and $$$ for us to live. You bet I am self righteous. I have to be, not too many people could survive a marriage such as this. I find the good in my husband every day but that does not mean I am not going to take care of my own needs too.

That just sounds too unrealistic.
Which "normal" and "sane" person will end up in hospital so many times a year?!?!?!
You are making this up.
My parents have never stepped into the hospital for 20 years, despite how unhealthily my dad diet is.

Again, another example of your naive perception of the world! A bad diet has nothing to do with his illness.... My world is totally different from the pampered little life that you lead....

Because your story is just too fake.Every 8/10 person story i find on ILIASM is that their spouse has health issues.It is not that i don`t believe you, but who knows if you are exaggerating to gain sympathy.

Mind your own business busybody.

A hamster got nothing to do with ILIASM morality code, it is off topic, so what if i have a hamster, do you have to go around telling the whole world about it, busybody.

Leonatan, there is a huge difference between calling a person names like "****" or "*****" or "retard". I have read your experiences and comments to people in the ILIASM group and you are clueless about marraige and relationships in generel. You simply have not had any. Those kinds of names are mean-spirited. I do not understand how any person can call someone names like that and then make judgements on morality. You need to be judging youself before you preach to others about right and wrong. Your goal seems to be to inflict hurt on others whom do not share your views. Honestly, I have to agree with Ray on this. Your rants become more bizarre each time you comment and they become less coherent. To put things into perspective for you, you are sad because an overstuffed rodent hamster died. I am worried about making sure my husband of 20+ years gets to live. BTW, I am not looking for sympathy at all, what I seek is understanding and support. I get that from others in the group not from opinions such as yours!

Hello, you did a thing that a sIut and wh0re would do by sleeping with "many men".
I did not mean to inflict any pain.
What about you calling me "naive, foulmouthed etc".
I wasn`t being foulmouthed, if you were a sIut and i called you names then i will be unreasonable.
But the fact is you are one.
You are not being moral, you are judging me as well saying that i inflict pain upon you BASED ON YOUR OWN EMOTIONS.
Grow up and know the difference.
And wtf does it have to do with my hamster - oh yeah your stupid fu*king retarded assumption.

Lets' see. If I joined an EP group such as physics with a bunch of scientists and offered them advice on how to conduct experiments on nuclear reactors, they would tell me I was naive and it would be true. If I called them a bunch of stupid nerds who cannot get laid that would be mean-spirited and foul-mouthed. I expect people to disagree with me , I do not accept people calling me or ,others for that matter, derogatroy names. As a human being, you should know the difference. BTW, you still have not anwered the question, WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION? You barge into stories intended for people going through emotions and trials you know nothing about and expect to be respected for your opinions. You call people whom you have never met stupid and then beleive that they will listen to you advice. I do not understand your motivation, if not to try to inflict your own warped emotional judgements on others.

No offense to the scientists of the world.... I adore men with big brains!

Now i hereby tell you the "motivations".
Because you are a pest to society.
You think you are the only pitiful one in this universe and go around looking for sympathy when what you DID WAS WRONG(having an affair) when you could sought for a seperation and divorce.
And your children, one day when they find out(eventually they will) that their mum who appears to be a "saint" around them turns out to be a sIut, if i were them, i will feel utterly ashamed and disappointed that my mother is nothing but a cheap hoe, who sainty and righteous acts were just fake pretense, it`s just disgusting.

Probably i will respect you more if you are more real.

In addition,
Here is your child, he/she is the perfect boy/girl in school.
His grades are always one of the top.
He tries her best to be perfect in many ways in hopes of not disappointing or upsetting his/her "perfect" parents in his/her eyes.
Untill one day, a douchebag that his mother f*cked told someone that his/her mother is a sIut and it spread around the whole school.
Your child got mocked for having a wh0re of a mother.
Your child was emotionally/mentally affected by this.
"Why?I have been the perfect child, i have been good, what did i do to deserve this insult?" your child question himself.
He probably questioned his mother why.
*Insert what kelki will say*
Because your child is the "perfect child" in school, there will sure be many douchebag who will try to make his life miserable.
But in the past, there was nothing negative anyone can do to bring him down.
Now his mother brought him to his own doom.
He probably questioned himself "why did my mother, who emphasizes on compassion, have no compassion for his own son?"
Why his mother have to do something like this to hurt him(and for others to have a chance to hurt him) when he has done nothing WRONG to deserve this.
Now i pity your family.

What i have stated above is a example to show what harmful effect you had caused without actually KNOWING IT.So i am not here to inflict pain.And before you think of how "pathetic" you are, you are not the only one in pain, how can you even consider yourself as an mature adult when you act so irresponsibly, you are the ignorant one.

BTW, i am not hurt, i am not bitter towards you.
*Notice* how many times you used the word "hurt and resentment" in ILIASM.
So how is it feels like biting on your own tongue?

14 More Responses

Not all people living in "ILIASM" have an affair, they get a divorce of seperate.
So does that mean now it is ok for your husband to cheat on you?
I have plenty of offers to cheat and even if i am tempted i have never done so, if i wanted to have sex outside i will break up with my boyfriend first, so what makes you think you have the right to tell me "what kind of horrible person i am".
You are not the only one hurting.

You do understand because you have not been alive as long as I have lived in a sexless marriage. Marriage and the responsibilites associated it are many and varied. For the record, I did not call you a horrible person. However, I do think you are a child. You commenting on my stories is like me commenting on the state of affairs in India in the 1900's , I simply do have a clue. I can read about it, I can think about it but I have no business making informed comments on something I have not lived. A boyfriend before age 25 is not a serious relationship, little one!

"A boyfriend before age 25 is not a serious relationship, little one!". - Generalizations.People get married and have children at 18 nowadays so you call that not serious?
Something that is not serious, is not called a "relationship".
Those are called flings and "responsibility" is not something that can be learned, it is inborn, some people are still irresponsible even when they are 50.

Are you calling me irresponsible?

You are not married, have not been married, you are just a little girl with a boyfriend. Comments from you are pretty hard to take seriously when you have no experiences.

I am not calling you irresponsible, because you just proven yourself to be by this sentence "A boyfriend before age 25 is not a serious relationship, little one!". A sign of immaturity despite whatever the age.

Relationships are also a foundation.
FYI, what you get now is what you get in the future.
People never change and i am sure you have known that your husband will be like this even before you got married but got married anyway because he is a "good guy".

But you are immature, my dear! You are making comments to a woman who is as old as your mother and you expct to be taken seriously. You should have a lot of fun wiht your boyfriend and many others before you decide to preach to me about the state of marrraige.

"Fun" already shows what a immature woman you are.
You could be as old as my mother, but my mother isn`t like an immature **** like you.
That is nothing to preach about, you have a problem because you don`t want to accept the fact that what you did was irresponsible.
My mother did not have an affair, did not cause the family to hurt and breakup, so compared to her you LACK SO MUCH.

To think you would even compare youself to my mum, then i am sorry to say you don`t qualify as an "responsible parent".

Once again, you have proven your immaturity by calling people foul names and assuming that they are "bad" according to your limited understanding of the world around you. Trust me, if I had children at home I never raised them to be naive and close-minded and they do not judge others. I am certainly way beyond believing that a 20 something year old can offer me any useful advice. What exactly do you hope to gain from posting on my story? Do you think I will change? Do I think I will agree with you on the little tidbits of foul-mouthed comments that you spew on people's stories? Notice.... I have not called you one nasty name whatsoever. I have not accused you of anything other than letting you know that your experience or lack thereof is not appreciated or even relevant in my situation. I have many friends on here who do not agree with my choices but we still have mature coversations and not one of them feels the need to call me names such as you have. Second graders on the playground do that, not women in their 20's.

Just because you are a wh0re makes me an "immature, naive, rude, foul-mouthed, spew" girl?Aren`t this nasty name calling?Of course you told your kids not to judge, that`s just because your kids have a WH0RE of a MOTHER and THEIR MOTHER EXPECT THEM TO LOOK UP TO HER EVEN THOUGH SHE`S A *****.

BTW, it is not "name" calling when the title fits you, you did behave as a wh0re FYI.

But wh0re is not the appropriate word, at least wh0res get paid, you are just a sIut.

My biological mother has passed away.
I am talking about my adoptive mother.
Your kids and wife have left you because you are an unfit and worthless father, while i lose both parents when i was very young and have done nothing wrong to deserve this, so save us from your crap and acting like you are the only pitiful one in this world.

11 More Responses

Wait! I just read down to the rest of these comments and Petrusha does not even acknowledge your comments in this story. Yet ,you just put him in the same category as the ***** and the whorehunter(respectfully) My advice; Petrusha and I are having an adult conversation, litle girls like you need to go outside and play when that is happening.

BTW, I am not posting on your story about the dead hamster and attempting to personally trash you so how is it that anyone is harassing you when you are the one posting on my story. I do not find your comments relavant, whatsoever.Yours comments are,at best, simple, nonsensical ramblings about something you have no knowledge of.

As for Bashee Angel, you are more than welcome to place yourself in the gutter with her. She loves to troll stories, post trashy names and then block people from responding. In fact, please do join the ranks of the Sammys, Bashees and the other trollies. You can all start your own little group and none of us less desirables will be there to reprimand you.

You should know we are all LAUGHING at you in this group and find you a source of pure entertainment. Ray even compared you to a lab rat! Do you want people to be LAUGHING at you? Do you like being treated as an ignorant child? Oh and what is a FATLEACHERASS? If we clap for you for making up new vocabulary words, will you go away?

Well, you know us! According to her, we lie about our sick spouses, live to ***** around or hunt ****** and then we never even spout a bad word, like FATLEACHERASS. We are invading her privacy because in her small world, we are all she thinks about. Now tell the truth, Ray, did you have thoughts about killing her hamster?

Adult conversation, like hooking up, doesn`t seem very mature but sIutty.
FYI kelki, i didn`t post any story about my dead hamster so get your facts right, because you simply it makes you look like a dumbass OLD woman.
Oh yeah if you were "laughing at me", while you acting like such an angry bitter depressed filty sIut now.
Oh FYI, MORE people are laughing at you now swallowing your own words, filty ***** HAHAHAHAHA.

Well whatever names you people calls me isn`t what i have done, because you people are just bitter to be called a sIut when you are ACTUALLY ONE.
Just shows how immature, retarded, low IQ person you are Kelki.

Petrushka, "i have mental disease" huh?
That is just your idiotic assumption, you are not even a doctor, so just shut your bull butter.
Well, at least your aids results is proven positive.
No matter how old you are, you act like a mental hospital escapist hmm hopeless.

First of all, I did not hunt you down. You posted more on my stories than I did and not to mention calling me nasty names and a few made up ones. I responded to disagree with you and defend my stance. I will not accept being called names. If you were doing that via the US mail, or on the telephone it would be considered harassment and stalking. Just reread, some of the comments you made to Ray and others. Right now, if this were in a different form of communication he has enough evidence to convict you or commit you.
I did not even look at your profile until yesterday when Petrushka felt you had some true mental issues beyond acting like a bratty child. I now agree with him. There is nothing wrong with posting stories such as you have, but most of yours convinced me you need professional help. Your thoughts are random, scattered and just plain creepy. Now, for some reason, you have gone from posting opinions to becoming obsessed with the ILIASM stories. That is not normal for someone who is 20 and supposedly in love with her boyfriend.
Leonatan, there is something wrong! You mental state is bordering on dangerous. I will no longer be responding your posts, I will probably block you and I will need to report you. I do hope you choose to get help!

Kelki, you said that "there is something wrong with me" but you can never explain "what is wrong".
While you are wrong in so many ways, sIut, wh0re and family breaker to other families.
A sIut like you have no right to preach.
BTW, when i say hunting, i was refering to ray, i was not refering to you, shameless asswipe.

All you are saying were "opinions", note you said Petrushka "felt", but what i have stated are FACTS.No facts, you will not win in court either and just embarassing yourself.Keep your OPINIONS to yourself, i don`t need it and offer some facts.

No sIut, you need help not me, in case you get a disease LOL.

I don`t think i appreciate being called cute by you(gross), you`re a psychologist, good for you then.

Have you told your mother to whom and what you are posting on here? Do you have a loved one or a professional you can talk with? We are people you do not even know and you feel the need to shame, correct or just plain lash out at us.

This is not normal behavior! You purposefully find stories and then call the people who wrote them raunchy names. It is not respectable! It is not mature! It is obsessive! It is possibly criminal! It looks psychotic! I honestly thought you were just a naughty little girl in search of excitement BUT I am seriously worried for your safety and the safety of those around you. GET HELP SOON!

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You should just leave - no matter what. I know you can do it.

You need to put the relationship in three's - your married one - your part and his part. We started that way, out time - my time and her time, 48 years. You have take the step to find the sexual/sensual need, that is great. Do the things you desire and invite him but go either way, maybe with a friend ! Best not the one with benefits unless ready to force him to confront that part of your time. Lucky you took the time to understand that there are those that desire you. I am ED for about 15 years and actually talk about her finding a friend with benefits, her response was "This old thing, who would ?" Answer me should I find her one ?? We still do some things together "hers" and I am VERY attentive and she goes with me on occasion. Guess without words of "asking to" we understand when it should be something US. I am not a monogamous naturally, just have been 98.5% or say a few encounters. Yes, I let many go by with several regrets.
Unlike her attitude, Who would; mine what good is 50%.

PS - he doesn't need to know and would probably prefer not to. Devote to him what you can, initiating also may help the home life ?

This isn't a marriage in the true sense but it is working for you. You have a marriage where you no longer fight, a husband who doesn't question what, where and with whom, and your sexual needs are met. I wish I could do the same and be O.K. with my actions. Unless you want to get married why change when all of your needs are being met! (?)

Thank you! It is very nice to have have a supporter such as you....
This story was written in 2008, which was about the time I limited my "suitors", then decided on just one affair partner. We continue our relationship to this day. Life does have a way of sorting things out.

I wish I had an answer for you.

Have you had his testosterone checked.? Is he gay? What does he say when you ask him? I fail to understand men who don't want sex....

This story was written nearly 5 years ago. I have made new choices and they have worked well.

Guess the first question is are you still married Kelki ? Some 15 years ago the sex (intercourse) became a major problem, yes physical ED due to accident and blood vein damage. No medical or med cure works with the exception of a pump. So yes "sex" inactivity was and is a problem today. I am able to counsel women in the same situation and willing to communicate further if any are interested that would like to know what happens to a mans mind and some resolve later if asked in private. BUT, I would also like your counsel as to the thought process you used to come to the decision to stay and have an or some affairs. Waiting to hear from you. Or for that matter any women that could help me help my wife to come to a like decision.

Should you stay in your marriage? That is something of a tough call. My first reaction is, "NO". You deserve to be with someone who fulfills who you are as a person. Someone who wants all that marriage entails, not just a housemaid and cook who looks good. I am sure you have children, but they would learn after a time. The fat that you are happiest with other men is not a good thing for your marriage. Your husband has failed to uphold his end of the marriage contract. If you do decide to depart, plan your departure with reasonable care so as to create the least collateral damage.

its soo long. so strange still being marry

hi 1 sounds like you have your side under control ! if you and hubby are happy and can share the same house . why not stay ! good luck to you ! just saw this was an old post ! how are things going these days ! :-)

I've been with the same affair partner since about the same time this story was written. I met him in September 2008 and the chemistry was instant. After a few meetings we decided a monogamous affair. I'll be 6 years in October. Outsourcing,a parallel relationship,an extramarital activity....whatever we choose to call it works for me.

hi ! glad it's still working ! that's great ! :-)

If it sounds dead, then it's not there anymore. (It does sound dead 😞) but here's the good part, you can finally move on and be with someone that makes you feel the best they can each and everyday that they can!