At the Crossroads



So - this morninig I asked hubby to leave.  I want a separation while we go through counselling, and I think that the emotional state of our house is in shambles. 

I need to step up and protect myself and my son.  Hubby said - fine - no more counselling, etc.  And he left. 

WOW - so, fast forward 5 hours.

He was gone approximately 5 hours.  He came back, crying saying that he can't separate that it would be the worst thing I can do to him and that if he leaves, he will isolate, drink and that is not good for him. 

I agreed - on terms - that he could stay.  1. He goes to intensive outpatient alcohol treatment 2. he goes to AA 3. He continues with the counselling. 

If he does not agree to these three things, I won't do this anymore.  I am tired of enabling him - tired of being tired. 

I felt ok after he left - I'm so confused now he is back. 



MizzBlue72 MizzBlue72
36-40, F
12 Responses Nov 23, 2008

It sounds like your husband is a bit manipulative, if he got himself back in the house by saying he would isolate himself, drink and kill himself if you kicked him out.<br />
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Whether or not things work out between you two depends on how firm you are about your conditions. I don't know how bad your husband's alcoholism is, and I'm guessing I really shouldn't ask. You sound like a very strong person, the fact that you had the courage to kick your husband out.

Oh Boy. That's tough. Be careful and know your worth!

yes, u r tryg. <br />
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all isnot lost b'cos u left out one very important party to ur union, God who makes up the three cord rope which is not easily broken.<br />
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it's not too late, just go to :<br /><br /><br />
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addiction is a spirit, n we war agst the spiritual realm, not so much th physical now.u need al the praers n support uncan get fm godly n scriptural ppl.<br />
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many positive outcomes fm ppl who had really messed up their lives(n u r not even there!)<br />
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i alwas feel hope, optimistic whn i read their real life stories n how God turn it around for them.<br />
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if He can do for them surely He cn n will d for u s He nvr stops lovg u..<br />
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tel/email for 24 hrs prayers:<br /><br /><br />

I'm glad to see what SpottedandRotted had to say & 'm glad to see someone of his experience weighing in here. He KNOWS exactly what he's talking about and is well worth listening to.

"He came back, crying saying that he can't separate that it would be the worst thing I can do to him and that if he leaves, he will isolate, drink and that is not good for him."<br />
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Mizz, you seem like a smart woman who has it in her to be strong also. I hope you understand the level of "emotional Blackmail" that his actions above amount to? You can not help him - or your family by being a party to that. I'm glad to see that you have said now tha he is NOY going to get the help you will seperate. I honestly believe that in addition to looking out for your son & yourself the best you can do for your husband right now is some "Tough Love"<br />
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You know we're all behind you I hope.

Thank you for your support. <br />
HUbby has decided to not seek help for himself, so tonight I need to inform him of my intent to separate until our next counseilling appt on Frid [cry]. I have been crying all day - I am so numb - and hurt. Thanks so much for listening.

ok, noone can advise u to leave or stay in your marriage u know the circumstances that surround it, but i can tell u that everything can change for the better in your marriage, when you are tired of being tired why dont u try God, i have examples of people zim took my advise and their lives changed, maybe u and hubby can go to church to get a good spiritual foundation for your marriage, but u need a good bible based church, browse the God channels u might find one near u, God changed my situation there's no harm in trying when all else fails, u need someone to believe in why not him, i'll be praying for u, u r stronger than u feel.

You seem a wise, confident and compassionate woman. He is lucky for now. I know you will continue to make more wise choices as your journey continues. Good luck. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.

Well - so far he has agreed to the terms that I set. <br />
He attended one marriage counselling session, and I'm going to call again tomorrow to see if we can get back in quicker. <br />
I'm also calling the EAP at his work to see if the intenxive outpatient therapy is covered, and if so, would that cause him his job if he went. He didn't absolutely say no go, but he's scared that he will lose his job. <br />
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I think that he wants to quit, but with AA alone, there is no way he will do this - no way. <br />
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I know it's not my fault for his drinking, but as a wife, I kind of feel like I've failed. <br />
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I also need to make sure that our 4 yr old son is not harmed emotionally by all of this. Our counsellor says that he already picks up our emotions (worries, etc.) and I told hubby today when he came back that his staying here is dependent on our son's emotional health and for hubby to follow through and get treatment. <br />
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I still don't know if it is right to let him back in -- hopefully, today, and a good night's sleep tonight will help me hold my ground and clear my head. <br />
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Thank you so much for the feedback. I know now that I will protect my son at all costs -- that is really the only thing that is important to me at this moment.

I considered telling you a story a few days ago, but I withheld it because I didn't want you to get false hopes. The worst day of my entire life (full of plenty of bad days) was the day my wife (girlfriend at the time) agreed to break up with me. (I have only cried about 5 times since childhood), but on that day - in that moment, I cried inconsolably - my heart was completely crushed. I realized what a fool I was and how much I needed to stay with her.<BR><BR>Now, you know that if he does go on the wagon and <STRONG>stays</STRONG> on the wagon, your reward will be wonderful - however, as an addict myself (12 years sober) I can tell you - if he ever takes a drink again - you have to be ready and you <STRONG>have to go that day</STRONG>... after awhile, we believe we are recovered and we can handle a little bit - I know you know how it is.

((((hugs MizzBlue))))<br />
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I know what you're going through. Stick to your guns, dear, and follow through.

Did he agree to your terms? Do you really think he can change? If not, I'm afraid that you will have to do what's best for you and your son. I'm also always here if you want to vent, need to talk or have someone to talk to.