I Feel Like I Have No Good Choices

I have come to the brink(again) and need to make a decision that will impact my daughter, my wife and me. The order of the last line shows how I have neglected "me" for so many years. I am a good Father and Husband but I am more than just those two things. I feel a yearning to not just survive but to live. I am tired of being lonely and I know when my daughter leaves there won't be much left to hold on to. Our marriage is a shell of what it once was and I am the only partner who wants to go to Counseling. All my choices seem awful. So let me know what yout thoughts are. Thanks 

discretejones discretejones
3 Responses Feb 21, 2009

Just an update. I started Counseling today and it was nice to be able to share my story with a neutral party. I tried to explain my situation without placing blame on my wife. I could point fingers but what good would that do? I have to accept that I allowed this situation to evolve. I could of made a stand years ago but didn't so who can I really blame- no one really. By evolve, I knew I was unhappy and lonely and I am still here because of my daughter but I tried to talk with my wife tonight about our situation and she tried to use our child as a weapon. She said you want to do this to your child? I was just shocked. I have made every effort possible to raise my daughter with love, understanding and love. She is a straight A student and is a great person(she is 12). I told her years ago when my wife asked me to leave the bed, that mommy can't sleep because Daddy snores(which I do). The problem I see now is that my daughter's relationship wife my wife is OK but it lacks some of the same connection that our marriage has. So in the process of trying to protect my child I feel like I have enabled, allowed and contributed to the lack of relationship my wife has with both me and my daughter. She is not a bad person but she is also not much on sharing herself with others, which is what I believe helps keep people together. anyway just some additional info for now. God Bless u all.

Personal therapy has greatly improved my sense of self. Suggest you start ASAP. My DH has put off counseling for months and probably won't ever go because he doesn't want to change. <br />
When changes come you have to bend in the wind and not break. I've tried to communicate my feelings with DH and have been insulted, and rejected. Now he believes I am oversexed, over-reacting, obsessed, relentless, and having outbursts. This is from a man I have spent my last 40 years with. We did separate after 3 years of marriage and I went back due to a pregnancy that I didn't know was my separated husband's child, or my lover's child. Foolish, but I did for the security.<br />
So, now I come --- 37 years later to the same place in time and you know what ... nothing has changed.... the situation is as it's always been, infrequent loving and communicating.<br />
The reality if much better than the farce. <br />
Life is shorter than I've always thought.<br />
This is twisting me up inside. This morning after we fought he said "We don't belong together anymore" -- he never said that before ... never say never!!!!!!!!!<br />
I've been hit with a shot of reality today ... and I am OK<br />
That's all I can hope for right now, OK ... someday I hope for happier and maybe even a little more happier.<br />
Til then, blessings being sent

Wow! I am sort of in the same situation and I am not really sure what to do myself. I asked my husband last night if he would be willing to go to counseling for our marriage and he refused. I have decided to try to get counseling for myself to see if I can find ways to fix what is wrong. If it doesn't help then I will probably do what I have to, to move on. You could try the counseling on your own as well and see what happens from there.

[[hugs]] I know how you feel. There is a line from a song that resonates in my head: 'Your only an empty cage if you kill the bird'. It may seem weird that line, but at this point you appear to be the cage - empty. Your soul was the bird. Life is short - if your partner does not want to budge -- then you have to do what is right for you.