Hurting.....

We've been married for 13 years and lived together for 7 years before that.  He was the first "nice" guy that I had ever dated.  I thought he would be a good father, and he is for the most part.  We have two children, ages 8 and 11.  We've been seeing a marriage counselor for 8 months.

We do fun things together, go skiing, go to sporting events, socialize with friends and family, but we don't get along.  I probably shouldn't have married him.  My clock was ticking and I had invested so much time into the relationship, that I went ahead with it, but I had serious reservations at the time that I should have listened to.

We argue constantly.  We just discovered through counseling that he has ADD.  We never have sex.  We haven't even addressed that issue in counseling, too many other ones are more prominent.  There is no affection.  It's died on my part.  I'm becoming a bitter angry person.  I don't like myself.  I'm so unhappy and it's affecting the kids. 

We lead a busy life.  The kids are involved in sports and music, have lots of homework and activities, so for the most part life just goes on. 

But this morning for whatever reason it feels like the straw that broke the camels back.  Our son is probably ADD as well, and my husband just doesn't get engaged in keeping him on track.  He just sits back and waits for him to fail.  He's more into threats and punishment than he is in encouraging and supporting our son.  So we had an uproar this morning and for whatever reason it has affected me deeply.

I'm thinking seriously about a trial seperation.  I just can't go on living like this.  I don't like the person I have become.  He brings out the worst in me.

I'm scared I'm being selfish and it will be too hard on the kids.  I've stayed as long as I have because I want them to have a two parent, stable household.  I'm worried about the finances.  We'll have to sell our home and both of us will struggle.  The kids won't be able to participate in all the things they do now.

I feel trapped and unhappy.  I don't know what to do.

notgettingany notgettingany
46-50, F
7 Responses Mar 5, 2009

Best of luck NGG.....<br />
<br />
Yes, that's what's happened to me....<br />
<br />
so there is hope...

BBR - I know I'm adding to the fricition, and frankly by your definition of love, I'm not in love with my husband. I need an equal partner who is just as committed as I am. Do you really believe what you said "that in time he will see a genuine loving person and that will change him"? Is that what happened with you?<br />
<br />
Unicorn - our seperation is going to be a bit complicated. At least I have a house that I can use that is close to our home free of charge. I was hoping that he would take a week and then I would take a week over there. But we have a family vacation planned, for four days at the middle/end of the second week. Then the house is only available another two or three days of the following week. Then it'll be available again after that. I guess we'll just have to make it work. It may not be a whole week at a time, maybe three days him then three days me. Both of us rotating out of the house.<br />
<br />
I just need to ask him, today if he'll agree to it. He isn't going to like it. But I'm in much better spirits today thinking about it. I'm not beating myself up. I'm thinking of the positives. The kids will have to chip in more around the house, and that's a good thing too. I'm kind of excited. I hope it goes well.<br />
<br />
I'm really just hoping that we'll break out of some of our bad habits. And that we'll gain some insight into ourselves, what makes us tick. If nothing else we'll also see how things could possibly work if things continue to go south.<br />
<br />
Even during the seperation we will continue to see a lot of each other as the kids require quite a bit of coordination for their schedules.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck!

I feel a lot of sympathy for you. I can't give you any insight on your children since I have none, however, my fiancee has ADD, and I have a streak of ADD as well. That can be very frustrating and difficult. He is a wonderful person though, so I overlook it, especially since I have some of the same shortcomings. However, he is incredibly disorganized and procrastinates. He also switches from subject to subject suddenly when he talks. I can't track him at all. The thing that bothers me the most though, is that when I ask him a question, he frequently doesn't answer me. I have to repeat myself, thinking he didn't hear me. The he gets annoyed because it turns out he heard me after all; he was just processing the information I was requesting. He calls that phenomenon, "Processing at the speed of a 386 in a Pentium 4 world." He is very intelligent, so I know it's not stupidity. His IQ is off the charts. I have suggested that he see a doctor for some meds for his ADD. He is very symptomatic. He said he'll think about it, but I know he's not crazy about it.<br />
As for the status of your marriage, I will not advise you on what to do. However, I did divorce my husband a while back, and it was the right decision for me. He was a complete and total loser. We had only been married 2 years. The sex had stopped. I am (sorry to be stuck up) an attractive woman, but my husband was addicted to hard core ***********. He would watch it hours eack day, download it, and ********** to it, instead of be with me. <br />
He was morbidly obese (5'10", 350 lbs.), and I lost my desire. He developed diabetes. He continued eating triple cheeseburger meals despite my admonishing him. He didn't take his medicine or check his blood sugar, either. He also called into work a couple days per week because he was so lazy and we were in the midst of financial disaster because of this. I was working and trying to keep from losing the house. He also smoked a tremendous amount of marijuana, nor did he help me with housework or repair work. So I divorced him.<br />
He snored so loud that I had to wear earplugs very night, which made my severe insomnia worse. When the marriage started going down the tubes, I slept on a pallet on the floor. We never went anywhere, except fast food. In the two years we were together, we went out (besides restaurants or his parents' house) once. He said he sweat too much.<br />
After I divorced him, I realized that I had been so depressed and sad in the marriage that my life had become a miserable wasteland. Every other sentence I uttered was "We can't afford it." There was no Christmas, no birthdays. I had more money being single than being with my ex-husband, he was so horrible with finances. For me, being happy is so worthwhile, there is no comparison. But I don't have kids to think about. However, I have heard from my friends who are mothers that children are very perceptive and they know when parents are unhappy with one another. Perhaps that unhappiness rubs off on them.<br />
Sorry this post is so long, but I thought I had a contribution to make. Perhaps some of it was beneficial to you.

Type your comment here...A seperation can be good....but remember to look at your own attitude during the seperation. Ask yourself if you aren't adding to the friction instead of working to remove it. You've committed to your marriage this far, I don't know what love you have for your husband but the best kind of love is the love that you choose to give. Love that isn't dependent on what someone else is doing. If you can choose to love your husband not matter what, your family will have the continuity that it needs. Remember, you aren't responsible for your husbands actions, only for your responses. If you love him not matter what, In time, he will see a genuine loving person and it will change him.....

NGA ...... Spoken by a good mother..... You don't really need to ask ,just do it.....

The only thing I want for my kids are that they be healthy and happy. And that's why I've stayed. I've always thought that they would be better off in a two parent household. I've sacraficed my happiness for theirs. It's just that lately I'm wondering if it's that simple. All the negativity and anger.....<br />
<br />
I'm going to ask the counselor today about a trial seperation. I'm hoping it'll be like a vacation, and I'll come back refreshed. Or at least with some new insights.

NGA ...... not a decesion to be taken lightly , you have thought about this for some time , pro/cons good/bad<br />
<br />
You use a phrase we all use from time to time ....... "doing in for the kids" think for a moment what that means ...... staying in sterile environment , friction, stress , ..... the kids will feel this NGA . What would you do to make them happy ...... you will do anything right ? . So perhaps if the kids see and hear their mother happy ....... in the long run thats whats really important to you and them ......happiness. I think if you are honest with yourself NGA ..... then you know the answer to your own question......<br />
<br />
If my opinion is worth anything ....... I would take the path of happiness any day .....<br />
<br />
God Luck ...