Trial Seperation

It was hard but I asked him for a trial seperation.  And due to some advice here I made sure to make it longer than two weeks.

He agreed to it.  I'm sure he didn't want to, but he had to admit that things aren't getting any better, in fact they seem to be getting worse.

He asked me what I was calling this, and I said a "vacation".  It made it easier for him to take rather than calling it a trial seperation I suppose.  He actually smiled when I said it.

Now we just have to tell the kids.  I want us both to be there when we tell them.  and we'll probably all go over to the other house and try to make this as easy as possible for the kids.  I'm thinking we go three days on, three days off kind of thing, with some exceptions due to schedules.  For the four or so days that the other house won't be available in two weeks I'll just go stay with my sister or something.

It's a bit scary.  I've never lived alone before.  But the potential benefits way out way the potential negatives.  And if nothing else I get a vacation from my husband and all the bickering.  Just the thought of it has lifted my spirits.

I think we will start this on Monday.  I'd like for him to just leave for work in the morning and not come home that night.  Make it easier on the kids.  He won't need to take too much stuff since it's only for three days.

I think this will work.  The kids are going to have to step up and be more responsible.  It'll be tough for the "on" parent to do it all. And being alone will take some getting used to.  I'm sure the "off" parent will miss the kids.  But there is the phone and it's only three days at a time.

I'm nervous about how the kids are going to react.

notgettingany notgettingany
46-50, F
9 Responses Mar 7, 2009

I just read your story and understand how you feel. Whether man or woman in a relationship there usually ends up one being the passive and one being the aggressive when problems arise. If you want a man's point of view hit me up.

Sorry to hear that you're unhappy BUT you are doing something positive which is trial seperation!! It is a healthy start regardless if both of you are going to try to work it out or not. And the term vacation is also a good idea to say. I know it is always the hardest on kids and it makes it more difficult to decide what to do? I am also in a situation and I have a child. I don't know what i should do because my mind sais one thing but my heart sais another! One thing is to forgive but it's another to forget. Yeah, he hurt me really bad emotionally. It will leave a scar for life. I was also thinking about a trial seperation, well now I have to think where could I go. Either rent or a shelter! We'll see. <br />
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I wish only the best for you and your kids, everything will work out no matter what you decide to do. Blessings always :-)

Use this time wisely. Really think about you and your children and what is best. Life's decisions are difficult. <br />
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I find that reading gives me assistance. Even if it's a book on affirmations to start building yourself back up.<br />
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I wish you all the best. Reach out. So many of us are sharing your experiences.<br />
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KFC

Well he seems to have come to his senses and has agreed to go. The kids took it fairly well, better than I thought they would. He's way more upset than they are. So tonight is the last night in the house together for some time and I have an event to go to, so it should go fairly well. Monday night will be the first time that we are apart and hopefully it all goes well. I'm sure I'll be happy and he'll be miserable. But we shall see. I really only care about the kids emotional state. <br />
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Thanks!

If you're thinking about ending it the marriage is already over. Kids or not---JUST GO!!!

Crying is actually good for you .. cleans out your tear ducts and refreshes your soul .. .getting out all the anger and hurt. I know it's twice as hard with children. My grandchildren sense my unhappiness and sadness and they don't "know" the reality of what's going on with me and their "papa". <br />
Of course you're angry and disappointed ... he isn't as stable as you are and is becoming paranoid... I have ADHD and perhaps it is ADD on his part, however, that is a condition and not an excuse for poor behavior when it comes to showing a united front for your children. <br />
My husband has been manipulating me, with love and concern this afternoon ... and I know he wants to scream at me but doesn't want to jepodize the marriage by admitting we have to end it. So he is play-acting that everything will be OK and I will settle down.<br />
You are going to be OK .. have you a therapist to talk with? That has been a great help to me to have that outlet .. I go once a week on our medical plan and it's covered, except for the small co-pay. Also, do you have a family clergy you trust? I just spoke to our parish priest and he uplifted me and had such compassion and understanding. <br />
Whether you leave tonight, wait for Wednesday night, it won't make a big difference to the outcome. Sounds like both of our husbands are in denial and think some magical answer will get to them via a counselor and they will be able to avoid the whole mess.<br />
We are the realists ... and the enemy here .. they see us as taking things away from them instead of them not giving us the things we need to be emotional happy and wanting to be with them.<br />
You can help yourself out of this... concentrate on you and remember that people don't usually change, we change.<br />
Write me anytime. I have stories up that might give you insight to where I am right now.<br />
Sending Blessings and Love and Tissues

I don't know what to do. He's changed his mind, or is dragging his feet. He's making excuses, he wants to talk to the counselor first. He feels like he is getting kicked out of his house. <br />
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I shouldn't of gotten my hopes up. Now I feel worse. I feel trapped. Like I have no options. I'm a prisoner.<br />
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I could leave. Maybe that is what needs to happen. And if after three days of me being gone he isn't willing to take his turn, maybe I take the kids with me. My mom may not be too thrilled with me bringing the kids over there, and it would sure disrupt their lives, but I can't go on like this. I'm so depressed now.<br />
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We do have an appointment with the counselor on Wed. I could either wait until then or I could leave tonight. I'm just so angry and dissapointed.<br />
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I had hoped to have a mature united front for the kids. <br />
To show that this was something that WE thought was in everyone's best interest. Now that that is out the window, I hate to be seen as the one kicking him out of the house. And at the same time I hate to be perceived as the one running out on them.<br />
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I hate this. The worst thing is is that I got my hopes up. Now I'm sitting here crying and miserable. I just don't know what to do.<br />
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I had hoped to tell the kids today so that they could get used to the idea and we could all go over to the other house and they could get comfortable with the situation. But as the day wore on, it was obvious that he wasn't going to have any part of that. And then I realized that he may never go for it. ANd then I was angry again. I'd been hopeful and happy and pretty much nice to him ever since we talked about it. Then as reality came crashing down and I realized there was no light at the end of the tunnel, I got angry again.<br />
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He knows that if something doesn't change we are doomed, and yet here he is dragging his feet. Maybe it's the ADD. I know he has a hard time making decisions and sticking with them. He likes having all his ducks in a row, even thoguh life isn't like that.<br />
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Well if nothing else at least venting like this helps. Thanks for listening.

I wonder if all these heartaches amount to anything when this life is over and done? I would rather be in the quest of feeling more alive and loved, then exist inside a marriage with almost zero intimacy and verbal abuse. Right now my DH is wanting me to stay and pulling out all the stops ... financial, how he always thought he would grow old with me (as did I), and I said how sad that we can't enjoy each other now and what are we looking forward to that's gong to be different from now? <br />
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I empathize .... just stayed away for a week at my daughters house and it helped .. we both admitted that it was relaxing NOT TO BE TOGETHER, although we missed each other ... he had a quiet empty house to be in and I had my daughter's active school aged children around me. My daughter encourages me to be happy now and not live with my husband any longer. She understands that things aren't going to get any better, no matter how much we try because we're two extreme ends of the polar, when it comes to intimacy and sex and a lot of other things ..<br />
I am now living in the present day and keeping myself focused and balanced. Not an easy task as you know.<br />
Whenever a person strives to improve their lives and those of the people around them, positive results can be achieved which will bring a bounty of blessings. <br />
When we feel happy and good about ourselves, we project it to every living creature. <br />
Your children are lucky to have you and I know that you are doing the very best you possibly can, given the circumstances you are presented with.<br />
Blessings and Faith in the Good.

Heh Nga ...... You reached a decesion then .......Well keep the plans fluid ........ don't try and plan to far ahead..... keep it short term then adjust as things start to settle .... I am sure you and your kids we be fine once you explain whats happening ........<br />
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Keep strong .......