Not Much Going For Us.


Everything seemed fine when I talked with him on the phone before he got home from work.  When he got home we joked around, laughed about the silly dogs, and even did a silly dance in the kitchen.  I offered to make BBQ ribs for dinner because they were defrosted, & he said not to bother, I can make them in the crock pot tomorrow, no biggie, he's fine with just soup & sandwiches.  

He goes outside to unload some dog food & feed the horses, which I would gladly have done but he just rushed out alone.  So I got the soup going, and while I waited for him to come back in, I washed a couple of windows since it was kind of mild outside.  He comes in & announces he's getting in the shower, so I'm waiting for him to get out to make his sandwiches.  I cleaned a couple more windows & had to go down the basement to look for something.

In the meantime, he has finished his shower, came into the kitchen & that's when the raging started because I wasn't right there with the frying pan in my hand ready to start his grilled cheese sandwiches.  I came walking into the kitchen from the basement, got the cheese out, & at this point he is in a fury because I hadn't already cleaned the pan & he was doing it.  He then told me to just get out of the way because he would do it himself.

He was swearing & mf'ing everything while slamming every door & the pots & pans around.  And the dishes.  

I went into "my" room & closed the door so I wouldn't hear the blaring radio he had turned on of some damn depressing talk program.  Unfortunately closing my door does not keep out his yelling about every effing thing that's wrong with the way I keep house, and even yelling at the poor innocent dogs.

I'm so sick of his horrible tantrums but I know better than to even try to reason with him anymore.  In the past it has only led to monstrous nasty fighting over everything that is wrong with me and only makes the split between us grow deeper as far as I'm concerned.  

He has been this way since before we got married, and I always thought he would mellow out, but I doubt he will ever change anymore since he believes he is always in the right & I have no rights.

I don't work, because I lost my job of 25 yrs & now only contribute with my disability benefits.  Which of course is less than what he brings home, so I've become his whipping post.

He has stomped up to "his" computer room with his food & I finally was able to open my door but already I feel another migraine coming on from the stress he makes me feel. 

My biggest fear lately is that he will go to his room get one of his guns & come down & shoot me.  Did I mention he is a functioning  closet alcoholic.  He thinks I don't know, but I can smell it on his breath, I don't even bring it up because he will deny until he is blue in the face.  He's actually even worse when he is sober, which he tried for about 4 yrs.  He was a dry drunk which was how my therapist described it. 

So do I continue being this unhappy just to avoid how awful he would be if I even mentioned a separation??  I would leave in a heartbeat if it wasn't that I have 10 horses & 8 dogs that I love dearly, and fear for what would happen to them if I left.  And he has already told me several years ago, that he will NEVER be forced out of HIS house.

I need to sell my horses, I already know that, but with the way the economy is now, nobody is buying large animals.  Even if I were to put them in a Rescue facility no one place can take all of them in.  By the way, they aren't just MY horses, when we bought our first house that had acreage he was all for it & enjoyed having them & riding the trails with me, but he lost interest about 5 yrs ago, and it has become another thorn in our marriage.   

Marriage therapy didn't help because it was all about my issues & unstable mental health, nothing was his problem besides me.

I know I have developed a lot of mental issues initially because of losing my job, but they have gotten so much worse because of the way he acts with me.  But I honestly believes he likes the fact that I am so dependent on him now because any time I ever bring up getting a job he just belittles me by telling me I couldn't handle it. 

I'm exhausted constantly just from thinking about what a mess my life has turned into, but I fear the trauma of making a drastic change.

I actually don't need advice, I've probably heard it all from my good friends, but I don't get to see them much anymore, so I just needed to get it out of my head, and could probably just use some encouraging words & hopefully I can give some to others out there in the same boat.

Thanks for listening. 

sparkless sparkless
56-60, F
6 Responses Mar 11, 2009

Yes Kunfuchic, I know I am in an abusive relationship, not so easy to run like hell anymore. I did it once in my first marriage 24 yrs ago and look where it got me...right back in the same crap....some people like myself just keep repeating the same mistakes, then all that is left is to beat yourself up over being so stupid. <br />
Plus when there are children involved, I see what happened after the 1st break up, the 2 sons I have from that marriage are not the most stable adults now, and I blame that on myself for not just being there during their teen years. <br />
I have a son from this 2nd marriage and I don't want to mess him up too. <br />
My parents divorced after 35 yrs, I was already a married grown woman and it sucked because family functions were never the same again, not for me or my kids, it never got better until one of my parents passed away and now we can actually gather and enjoy ourselves. But that's been 20 yrs of tense and stressful holidays. I don't want to make my last child go thru that. <br />
As long as I don't get shot someday I suppose I will just

You are in an abusive relationship. Save yourself now!<br />
Run like hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200, just keep running.

Thank you thank you thank you...I didn't realize there were any comments posted(i forgot to sign up to be notified..duh), and I just finished posting und another topic & saw that there were comments on my post! I just finished reading what you all wrote but I'm having a hard time seeing through my tears to write back now.... <br />
I really did not expect such an outpouring of support, I more or less just figured if I wrote about it that it would help me get through it last night, which it did, altho I had to take a mega dose of meds to get rid of the migraine but at least they knocked me out cold so I could "escape" for a bit. But of course when I woke up nothing has changed, everything is the same, I have been nervous all day because he hasn't called, which is a sure sign that he is still pissed at me <br />
And OMG, I just realized what time it is and I haven't started dinner yet....I was supposed to put the ribs in the slow cooker this morning & completely forgot!!!! <br />
I will comment further later after he goes to bed, but again I cannot even tell you how much better I feel after reading what you all wrote.<br />
xoxoxoxo ((((hugs))))

"but I fear the trauma of making a drastic change."<br />
<br />
I looked at this Experience because I too FEAR the trauma of making a drastic change by asking for a separation. I empathize with you.<br />
Although we live different lives we have very much in common. I don't want to assume, but from reading your story, it appears that your husband is a control freak, just like my husband.... he micro-manages me and actual makes me nervous when he watches what I do and tells me what to do and how I drive, etc.<br />
Things are coming to a head in my marriage and he is being Mr. Nice Guy now .. but it won't last .. it can't because this isn't the real him.<br />
You sound like a responsible, loving, intelligent woman and this man has taken advantage of every good bone in your body. He is not understanding or patient.. like my husband ... they are selfish and self-centered and everything has to be their way or the highway.<br />
Although my husband isn't an alcoholic, my mother was and I understand the behavior you describe with the raging and personality change .. My husband, I believe, is bi-polar, untreated ... and never admits there is anything wrong with him .. it's all me ...<br />
You said you have a therapist .. that is wonderful<br />
Have you really let your smoke cloud dissolve with your therapist? Sometimes it takes so long to understand what motivates us and so much is hidden. <br />
I also understand when you say you are afraid he will shoot you -- my husband and son never got along (my son was fom another man) -- and he use to threaten me that he was going to shoot him ... and I believe he would have if given the chance.<br />
You have an explosive personality in your home and no wonder you went into your room and shut the door.<br />
Next time, get into the car and get away.<br />
You don't have to be his doormat<br />
Please know that I am going to start praying for you to be alleviated of this hell you are living.<br />
I too want a happy marriage (married 40 years), but I FEAR this is not meant to be and I am torturing myself by wanting what I don't have.<br />
EP is a great place to find help and solice. Friends and relatives mean well, but they don't share the same experiences.<br />
We have to respect ourselves and stop the cycle of abuse... My husband is a mental abuser as yours seems to be.... it can play havoc with your head, believe me I live it.<br />
Blessings for a peaceful evening.

((hugs))

I am good at encouraging. I just want to say that I will pray for you - I would love to see a miracle happen with your husband and God can do anything, but I also know God gives us intuition - yours may be screaming for you to get out. You know, I think I will just pray for the BEST outcome for you - whatever that is! I am sure I won't be the only one to tell you that we are here to listen!<br />
<br />
God bless you!