On the Verge of Separation

We have been facing the same issues for a long time. Some from the beginning and some that developed later. For the first few years I pushed his inabilty to change aside because for the most part we were extremely happy and in love. I have been competely open and communicative the whole time and he hasn't. He is now seeing what he needs to do and making efforts. This is good and I value that but so much damage has been done. You can't just immediately do everything over because a consequence has finally been received. Don't get me wrong,he is an amazing person and not everything that went wrong he could control. The fact is after years of neglect and loneliness I am a broken person. I started turning to EP for friendships and maybe even for some soul searching. Without intending to I have fallen in love as a result.

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9 Responses Apr 26, 2009

I wake up every morning next to my husband's back<br />
He does not hug or kiss me during the day ... only if I initiate.<br />
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I feel like I am already done .. toast ... when I am with him.<br />
I feel sorry for him, yes, when he is nice he is vulnerable<br />
Then I have to remember how he's treated me how he's talked to me and most of all how he has no DESIRE for me or sex, it comes down to the same ... nothing happening here .. no intimacy.... no talking .. but yes, he is NICE<br />
WHAT A NICE GUY everybody tells me ... How can you leave him .... nobody knows what goes on behind our closed doors... for me it's nothing!<br />
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When did Marriage become a Prison Term? I hate to think about it like this but it's making the best of a bad situation for so long that it's become never ending dread.<br />
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My mom recently told me that I have moved along the path of life, while my husband has stayed stationary....<br />
She is wise, this is true<br />
Sending my love to both Physical Wreck and Indecisiontime. We share a similiar burden.

PhysicalWreck - I so relate to your story (as well as you, reflections) - After 15 years of marriage, I am worn out from trying. I am sad all of the time, and last summer, after my husband through a HUGE tantrum in front of my mother, I hit a wall - I thought, that's it - I'm done. I stopped fighting him for time, attention, non-sexual affection - I stopped engaging when I could tell we were headed for ANOTHER conflict - and unlike me in every way, shape or form - I stopped eating. I have since lost 53 lbs. (which I needed to lose anyway - I just wouldn't recommend my stressed-to-the-max diet!). Recently, I told him (and I have told him most of this already anyway) that I didn't want to do this anymore. I was not his friend and he was not mine - I had tried to be his friend, but was pushed away. He never treated our relationship as a partnership (I will write about this more in my own story). He made me feel lonelier than I have ever felt in my life!! I used to fight for our marriage - 15 years of fighting - but I'm tired and depressed and, I feel like I have lost myself completely. <br />
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I am seeing a counselor which I think will eventually help, but I don't know what else I am going to do. It has me so stressed out that my body is physically reacting in a lot of different - not great - ways!<br />
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I wish you the best and I hope you will keep us updated PW!!

I am at the same crossroad as you, although I am much older (60, darn it) ... I changed from saying "I Can't Do This Anymore (Marriage) ... to "I Don't Want to Do This Anymore (Marriage)....<br />
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It's tough .. especially when the spouses have some endearing qualiies .. however, when I think of just continuing on this road, I get physically sick in my stomach .. does this happen to you??? I get dizzy and life does not seem happy.<br />
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When I think about leaving, I feel lighter, happier and have more positive feelings about my future and possibility of finding another man that will love me as I want to love him. My husband won't, can't, whatever... love me back .. touching is not allowed and sex is a four letter work ... slam, bang, thank you mam ... once in a blue moon .. don't look me in the eyes .. God Forbide and then pretend I am so satisfied that I will sit at his feet and adore him.... What the heck?<br />
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Thanks for your story .... I feel what you feel ..<br />
Blessings and Happiness in our futures

You wrote..."The fact is after years of neglect and loneliness I am a broken person."<br />
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I was in the same place...once I was broken... no matter what he did I couldn't be fixed... I had lost respect and eventually love for him, I couldn't put it all behind me, there was too much resentment. I am now separated (can't afford to divorce yet) and feeling very calm and happy.

You mentioned his "inability to change"<br />
Was his changing something a prerequisite to the marriage vows?<br />
Did you promise "for better or for worse...till death do us part"?<br />
Has he merely failed to become what you hoped he would become and the relationship what you expected it to be?<br />
A vow is a vow<br />
Which is more important: your word<br />
or temporary feelings?

Wow Wreck.. what a profound statement!! Sometimes love just ain't enough, which is a shame! Wish you the best and much support in your road to recovery, and the choices that lie ahead!!

I strongly believe things happen for a reason. When a door is closing, another is slowly opening elsewhere, whether this is leaving your husband or resolving your past issues with him. You have to do what is best for you. <br />
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Weigh up the pros and cons. If you were to stay, could you truly be happy? Would you stay out of guilt or do you truly want to be there? It is not a matter of how much you love him. Is it even love you found on EP or just a desire for something different and fresh, but can you forget it if you stay?<br />
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You say you are a broken person. In my short experience, I have found that you need to be complete yourself before you can give yourself to someone... otherwise they are ever only getting half of what they deserve or expect.<br />
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When you look deep inside you, you will have your answer. Be strong and accept whatever your gut is telling you. Things will work out. You will be ok

I am sorry to hear about all the trouble you have gone through. I hope that you discover the right path amongst the many highways you are faced with. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear that you have suffered so long, I just wish you love and happiness.<BR><BR>Love and hugs