My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for just about a year.  I've posted here and on the I live in a sexless marriage board.  At our last meeting I stated that I didn't think there had been any progress, I was discouraged, I didn't think people could realy change and that I couldn't see myself living like this indefinately.  That I had no hope that things were going to improve.  I fully acknowledge that I have built a huge wall around my emotions, I am resentful and angry, and that I am a large part of why things aren't working.

So the counselor asks if I am willing to give it another 6 months.  I said ok.  She then states that she thinks we both should go on antidepressants.  That it might give me a little cushion, that it might take the edge off.  I said ok, I'll try anything, but I don't think I'm depressed.  And I don't.  Well I supppose I am unhappy.  And feeling a bit hopeless about my marriage.  But I don't mope, I'm generally an up beat happy person, just not when it comes to my husband.

So I'm wondering, should I just go ahead and take them?  What about side effects and getting off them?  Anybody have any experience with antidepressants?

Any and all advice is welcome.  TIA.



notgettingany notgettingany 46-50, F 13 Responses Jun 23, 2009

Your Response


I am on some heavy duty antidepressants and sleeping aids .. as well as adhd medication.

I got to this way by ignoring how I was feeling in the beginning stages and trying to be tough even though I knew I had already lost it!

If you need to talk .. seek advice .. talk with your doctor especially if it one that known you for quite some time!

No don't take them it is pretty bad when you have to take anti depressants to stay with someone. That should be a sign right there. I say if you have resentments it has already gone too far. You only have one life. You can never come back and do it again so make the best of this life. Also anti depressents will only bring other issues and complications into the equasion. Tell your counslor to go pound salt I swear all these coulselors and shrinks have mega stocks in the psych meds. that is always the first thing they want to do. They pass that stuff out for any little reason they can find. I think they are just using us for guinee pigs.

The counselor's position is that the anitdepressants would help take the edge off and that we would be able to move more quickly, make faster progress, as the abrasiveness would be diminished.

I'm just not comfortable with taking antidepressants as I don't feel that I am depressed. And I have concerns about side effects and coming off of them.

I will go and meet with a phychiatrist and discuss my views. Our marriage counselor wants to talk to my selected Dr. prior to my meeting with him/her, but I think I'll wait to sign that disclosure autorization unitl after the initial consultation with the Dr.

Pretty bad when you have to take anti depressants to live together. I would say no...noway... Don't take them. That is the first thing any counselor wants to do I swear they have big time stock in anti depressent drugs. If your life together is so depressing why take a pill that will just cloud it over and not fix it. Kinda like putting a band aid on a freckle to cover it up. It is still there and won't go away. You should tell that counselor or shrink or who ever told you that crap they should stick anti depressents up their butt and try chewing them. I guess if you want to live life in a cloud go ahead and take them. But I would opt to try to fix the problem even if it comes down to splitting up. If you turn out the lights at night to make love with your ugly partner, they are still ugly.

My personal rule is "when it hurts more to stay then it does to go, it's time to go..."

As for anti depressants, they can have some nasty side effects, be very difficult to come off of, and as has been pointed out by other posters, dull your feelings and your sex drive.

By dulling or completely suppressing your sex drive, I guess it is possible the therapist could "win" and get you to continue in a marriage where you are starved for sex, because you will no longer care.

As for taking down those walls... Well, IMHO, you will need to go to personal therapy for yourself to deal with that.

If after a year you are still feeling no more positive about your relationship, and having had one foot out the door before that.... why waste any more time.

It doesn't sound to me like you will be able to begin to heal until you leave the relationship... and no, I am not a therapist, just someone who has lived in a similar situtation... and has finally, painfully, made the decision to leave.

Letting down those walls that took 10 - 15 years to build is hard. How do you just forgive someone who didn't care enough about you to deal with issues that were important to you? That wouldn't go to counseling until I had one foot out the door? That didn't care that I was extremely unhappy?

How do you break down those walls? It's like having your fist clenched so hard for so long that they become sort of locked in that position. How do you loosen your hand? Once it's loose you can shake it out and massage your fingers, but how do you originally unclench your hand?

You seem unsure about taking the medication so don't take it! You are the expert on YOU and you know whether you are depressed or not. If you were depressed you would know about it!

If you are willing to give the next 6months a go then you need to let down some of those wall that you have built around your emotions so that you and your husband have a chance of working things through. If you are not willing to do this then there isn't much point staying together!

Just my two cents here. Is your counsellor a psychiatrist? There should be diagnosis before prescribing anti-depressants. Secondly, if you have built emotional walls, won't anti-depressants only cottonwool your feelings further? - I mean they actually mute strong feelings, not to mention that in many cases, they reduce desire as well. Thirdly and this is just for clarification, if you already feel so strongly about the issues as well as the lack of sex in your relationship and you have a stated preference to end your marriage, why would you want to prolong what seems to be the inevitable?


I understand why you built your walls, I've built my own. On the antidepressants - I'd be careful. I would ask WHY exactly and how it will help. And I'd also test another counselor solo - get a 2nd opinion. I'm against using medication unless it is needed - there is nothing in your story to indicate that it is needed (though there may be more to the story). I've seen a counselor for a few years, starting when I thought I was going to burst and might explode out of frustration ... going through marriage counseling .. and still periodically. And no one ever suggested antidepressants. Your concern is valid .. good luck!


sm4rtchick I'm walled off because my husband has refused sex for over 10 years. And it's not just the sex, that's a symptom of our dysfunctional relationship. I've built those walls as a defense mechanism to keep myself sane. Being refused tends to demean your self esteem. Resentments build. It's hard on your ego to be pushed away. We aren't partners in any sense of the word.

I have had one on one sessions with our counselor. We've been treating symptoms for the last year. My husband discovered that he has ADD. Those issues just add stress to the situation, but at least we had a reason for some of his behaviors. He quit his medication about a month ago without telling anyone.

Basically my patience has worn out. I've stuck it out for this long because I have two children and the guilt kept me here. I'm starting to see that modeling a dysfunctional relationship with anger and animosity probably isn't in their best interest either.

I really do not have any hope that things will get better. Frankly if he could get his parts working, and his issues are not something that a pill can fix, I still don't think I'd want him in my bed. My walls are tall and deeply fortified. It's taken years to build them, and I don't want to wait years trying to tear them down just to discover I should have moved on years ago. I don't love him. He's the father of my children and if I didn't live with him I could probably like him. He's a nice guy.

I'm just wondering if taking antidepressants is scary or not. Has anyone actually taken them?

Why do they always feel the need to medicate? You don't seem to be showing any evidence of 'manic depressive' behavior and certainly no 'suicidal tendencies' ergo you aren't clinically depressed. Also, so... doc... let me get this straight you want me and my 'refuser' to take medication that has a well documented side effect of reducing the libido... just wanted to make sure I understood you correctly. Personally, I think it's time for a new therapist. Nice to know he/she wants to bill you for another six months after having made no progress with you for a YEAR. Hey doc... how's about we try to shake things up a little instead of continuing down the 'rut' we're in? Maybe we talk about doing role play during sex... or maybe... throw me a curveball here and set up a schedule of regular sex for two months to see if that doesn't at least get the two of you back into the 'routine' of having sex...

No, sorry madam patient... I just need to keep the revenue flow going... we'll just keep rehashing the same tired old conversations again, but thanks for the suggestion...

Me, bitter... no...

I'm no doctor but I try hard not to resort to medications to solve problems or symptoms.

Did you or have you ever tried private counselling just for you? You said you are emotionally walled-off, Why? What caused that? When did it start? I think you need to get to root of THAT and work it out.

When you can be a full person yourself, you will have more and a better you to give to others. Getting you straight may not mean your marriage is saved but you will be working at it from a better place. Right now, with the state you are in you aren't really giving the marriage a try--you can't. YOU have emotionally check out of you and the marriage.

Just my thoughts. Good luck.

P.S. Skip the antidepressants!

If you are not depressed and know that you are not making progress, why in heavens name would you go on medication?

Antidepressants are for people who are in a bad way. You sound okay to me. This is just my opinion. I don't believe in taking drugs. I believe in putting pure healthy things in my body. Healthy foods, getting sunshine, being out in the fresh air, those types of things are natural mood enhancers.

If you want to hang in there another six months, can I suggest you find another counselor.