Caught In Ambivilance

I just don't know what to do.  Everyday I agonise whether to stay in my marriage or leave.  There are just so many fors and aganists. 

for the fors:  He is a good man, he works hard, he is very intelligent, He does love me (although he seldom shows it), he supports us, I do love him (although I'm hurt and resentful)

other things I would consider a for would be: I'm 44 and probably have more chance of being struck by lightning than ever meeting someone else, so I will probably be alone for the rest of my life; My lifestyle will go down, as I would have to move into a small apartment with the kids; my whole family think I am so lucky to have him, and will think I'm a loser if we split up (this is my 2nd marriage).

For the againsts:  He's angry all the time; he puts me down just about everyday; he is constantly whining about my hopeless housekeeping skills although I told him I was no good at tidying up when we were dating and he said he didn't care; he is a perfectionist and goes off his head at me and the children when things are not perfect; he has caused my self-esteme to fall below zero; I am depressed alot because of his constant put-downs, and am on anti-depressants; he just loves shooting me down in flames and being right all the time; I am very sad because of the state of my marriage; I am just not the person I used to me and can't seem to do as much as I used to; I don't look forward to him coming home from work, as I know he is going to whine and go off his head about something that is not perfect, or the state of the house; we have sex about 2 or 3 times a year, and I am sexually frustrated; he hardly ever shows me affection and I feel so alone; my daughter from my first marriage has recently told me that her grades have gone down at school because she is always upset at the way he swears all the time and gets angry, and she looks at her teachers as role models and no longer sees him as a dad (we married when she was 6, she is 13 now).

I am just caught in ambivilance.  I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't.  The sad thing is that I do love him, and it could work out if he would just control his temper and accept me for who I am (and get some viagra). 

I agonise about this every day. Thanks for listening.

teddybear95 teddybear95
41-45, F
7 Responses Jul 7, 2009

Is clear something needs to change to give everyone a shot at a generally stress free home environment, some pleasure in life, and some love. The scale seems weighted for lifting off to a new life unburdened by the daily onslaught of negativism. However, before calling it quits, might be worth marriage counseling. You mentioned your daughter is recently having problems so I'm speculating (always dangerous) that the downward spiral is more recent. <br />
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Even if you are leaving, a counselor can help communicate and negotiate transitions.<br />
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You owe your daughter and yourself a life free of daily hostility. Your happiness is your own to create and that is a powerful model for your daughter. Take care of yourself, find time for the things in life that lift your spirit. <br />
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Finally, decisions should not be made on fear. You are a strong, beautiful woman, a role model for your daughter. Best!

There are good guys out there, hope you can find one of them...... :-)

Don't worry about how many times you've been married. You sound really unhappy and it sounds like you could do better on your own. My mother has been divorced three times and is now enjoying the best years of her life as a single woman. Does the idea of staying in the marriage offer any hope? Or does the idea of a divorce lift some of the "gloom and doom" you currently feel?

I have felt this same way...being with my husband for over a decade and dealing with cancer of our child and his severe depression along with life in general. He sounds alot like you describe your husband, very angry, negative and always looking for what is wrong instead of enjoying the blessings...<br />
All I can do is sigh knowing how you feel in a sense. I hope you figure out what is correct, at the end of the day you have to live with your decision. Others mean well and can give advise but you have to quit living in limbo, (as do I) <br />
Much Love<br />

My thoughts are with you....Never lose hope...sometimes it's all we have...No matter what you choose... There is always hope! Hugs..TK

My mom died last March of a brain tumor and my dad is already remarrying in August and he didn't even mean to meet anyone and he is a heavyset man in his sixties. You never know if you're going to meet someone it just happens. You have kids so you are not really alone and being alone isn't the worst thing in the world people fear it but people can lead very good productive lives alone and at some point you will meet someone. Living in an apartment is not the worst thing that could happen and if this guy is such a jerk your kids will probably be all for it. I knew a guy whose parents divorced and all three kids were glad. It can be a blessing. If you're not happy and there's no hope for change or getting better or counseling then there's no point wasting time. You'll feel very relieved to have your life back and every day you'll feel better. You'll probably feel like me when I left my last boyfriend I was living with- like I had just gotten out of jail. Bad boyfriends/husbands can put you in an emotional prison.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a predicament, however I feel you should leave..... If you are thinking about it seriously already, your mind is made up....<br />
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If he has anger issues, it will (if it hasn't already) lead to abuse, and NOBODY deserves that.<br />
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Plus, 44 is not too old to meet someone new, of course you wont find Mr right sitting at home doing nothing, you have to find him, but from yuor photo I cans ee you are very attractive and Im sure you would be beating guys off with a stick!!!<br />
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Hope things go well for you - wishing you all the best....