Caught In Ambivilance
I just don't know what to do. Everyday I agonise whether to stay in my marriage or leave. There are just so many fors and aganists.
for the fors: He is a good man, he works hard, he is very intelligent, He does love me (although he seldom shows it), he supports us, I do love him (although I'm hurt and resentful)
other things I would consider a for would be: I'm 44 and probably have more chance of being struck by lightning than ever meeting someone else, so I will probably be alone for the rest of my life; My lifestyle will go down, as I would have to move into a small apartment with the kids; my whole family think I am so lucky to have him, and will think I'm a loser if we split up (this is my 2nd marriage).
For the againsts: He's angry all the time; he puts me down just about everyday; he is constantly whining about my hopeless housekeeping skills although I told him I was no good at tidying up when we were dating and he said he didn't care; he is a perfectionist and goes off his head at me and the children when things are not perfect; he has caused my self-esteme to fall below zero; I am depressed alot because of his constant put-downs, and am on anti-depressants; he just loves shooting me down in flames and being right all the time; I am very sad because of the state of my marriage; I am just not the person I used to me and can't seem to do as much as I used to; I don't look forward to him coming home from work, as I know he is going to whine and go off his head about something that is not perfect, or the state of the house; we have sex about 2 or 3 times a year, and I am sexually frustrated; he hardly ever shows me affection and I feel so alone; my daughter from my first marriage has recently told me that her grades have gone down at school because she is always upset at the way he swears all the time and gets angry, and she looks at her teachers as role models and no longer sees him as a dad (we married when she was 6, she is 13 now).
I am just caught in ambivilance. I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't. The sad thing is that I do love him, and it could work out if he would just control his temper and accept me for who I am (and get some viagra).
I agonise about this every day. Thanks for listening.