My Breaking Heart

My heart is breaking over our very difficult marriage.  I feel so alone and isolated.  I love and care for her but am not sure I can go on living like this.  When I think of love I look at it in two ways.  One is the romantic love that keeps the fires going in the relationship.  It is physical, emotional, and spiritual.  Then there is the love that you have for your spouse that relates to respecting the person they are.  They are the mothers/fathers of our children, mates, share our lives with us.  I feel that both of these loves must be present for the relationship to work.  Yet without the physical love being present it leads to feeling rejected, hurt, and isolated.  That is where I am right now.  I feel so very stuck in my relationship and need to begin to work towards making a very difficult decision.  I will need strength to keep working on this. 

KingofPain KingofPain
41-45, M
18 Responses Oct 7, 2007

Wow! Having read all these stories, so much like mine *used to be*.. KOP, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can tell you from experience that it is possible to recover and restore your feelings of worth and vitality, but you have to do something about it first.

My husband & I were together for 17 yrs. I have never loved another human as much as I loved, worshipped, adored him. He was my world. Unfortunately, he fell out of love with me about 2 yrs into the marriage, and the cheating started. He would lie, gaslight me, refuse to have sex, or if sex did occur, it was demeaning to me. Yet I stayed with him, because I loved him, and was sure he would realize how lucky he was to be with such a caring, faithful partner. In year 15 of the marriage, I started counseling, by myself, because he wouldn't go. My therapist also suggested I take up yoga and meditation. I did so, because it was doctor's orders. The immense peace and understanding that came to me in meditation truly changed my life. I divorced my sociopathic narcissistic husband, and moved on with my life. That was 4 yrs ago. I can honestly say that my feelings of worth, my self esteem, have exceeded levels I have never had before. I know my worth now, my value as a woman and a human being. I will never be with a man who tries to change that.

KOP, get thee into meditation ASAP. I suggest starting with guided meditation from Centerpointe Research, in Oregon. Im sure you can find them online. FANTASTIC, LIFE CHANGING TOOL! Sending love and healing white light to all of you out there who are feeling less than. You are worthy! ":^) xom

I wish you well. I myself am feeling the same about my marriage. We, my husband and I have nearly broken up, decided to stay for the kids, and now I wonder if it was the right choice. We went through a rough patch after I found out he was seeing someone else. It ended, and I have said that I'v forgiven him, which I meant at the time but love is a funny thing. I try and try to reason with myself that I trust him, my mind constantly wonder if he is sneaking off again. It didnt help that he said he cheated because he has stopped loving me. On many occasions I'd let him go, but he wouldn't. Now we are both in a marriage which I feel is just so void of love and happiness. Times like this I want to leave, then I see that the kids love him, that we are still getting along, I cant. I feel that I'm not desperate enough to leave, but sometimes i feel miserable. I cry myself to sleep which isn't very nice. I wish you well:)

I so agree with what you wrote. MY husband and I are in the same situation. I don't think he understands that I need to feel loved. He is trying to show me but I just can't forget all the things that we have been through. The truth is I don't think that he will really do what it takes to love unconditionally. I resent him for the relationship we have. I WISH things were easier but not the case. I hope your wife sees that you are being sincere. hit the nail on the head!!! Life is way too short to sit around and be unhappy! It's never a good thing when we have to end a marriage, but it's also not good and very unhealthy to go on living an unhappy life!<br />
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I certainly wish you the best King of pain and know that there are others who feel the same way you do! Making the right choice is always difficult, but I am confident that in time you will make the best decision for your situation.

It has taken me quite a few years...8 to be exact to realize that I am not the issue here. I wanted him to want me so badly that I believed him that it was my fault, that I pushhim away with my 'nagging' about it.'s not us...its that our relationships are lacking exactly what you said...the passion and the physical part and it's not true love without being atracted tot he other person. Its jsut a waste of a precious life to not share this beuatiful intimacy that God has given us with another human being. It is spiritually stifleing and painful to the core to keep passion at bay. If its not there with our spouses...then I say keep them as friends because that is what they wnat to be. If they wnated more than our friendship, they would reciprocate our feelings of affection. Unless of course they are incapable or jsut dont need the physical part of a relationship and if tthats the case then they can go find someone elses spouse form this forum to hang out with! be at peace with your decision. I think I am getting there.

Your desc<x>ription of what should be there in a whole and "working" marriage, is accurate. I have not posted in this group yet but I intend to in the near future. If you have children, it makes it all the more of a challenge, but even then it should not mean living in a loveless marriage. This is just my opinion, but I also have children and I am having to work through these thoughts. My best wishes to you.

Has anyone read "Take Back your Marriage" by William Doherty? I'm going through issues with my husband, but some of the topics on this thread are addressed in this book. It really changed the perspective on my marriage and has really helped our communication.

Hi there Kingofpain<br />
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So sorry to hear your sad story. It sounds so much like mine. I am so sorry, no advise from this side, as i am still struggling the same problem every day. Feeling rejected and unwanted. There seems no end in site. <br />
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Yet i continue trying to spice up our intimate life, but in the end am left feeling low, pathetic and rejected. I feel cheap today as i gave it my all. Tried sooo hard to spark his passion for me. How to do that when there is none? How foolish i feel. <br />
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Sorry, i don't mean to carry on about my problems when you need a shoulder so badly. All the hurt and frustration you feel is too familiar to me. We all, i know, live with it daily. But, the question is, how much more of this can we take? How much more pain and rejection can we take before we crack under the strain? But how hard it is to make that decision. The decision we keep putting off.<br />
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Just know, that you have friends in us, a shoulder to cry on if need be. We are all suffering here, lean on those who understand. It does truly help just to know that there are people out there who do care. Remember that when you are going through that darkness, and it feels like there is no light at the end.<br />
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I still have hope regardless of the hurts, i am too stubborn to give up just yet. I have to believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness. The day will come when we will feel happiness again. Try not to look back, look ahead, there is a light shining if you look hard enough.<br />
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p.s. if you need a friend - just give a loud shout.<br />
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take care!<br />

I was in your shoes with my ex husband!You have to reach the point where you dont want to feel that way any more!You need to be open with your wife and let her know how you feel!If that doesnt work then you need to move on to bigger and better things in life!Life is to short to sit around and be me!

Wow! It really is amazing to see that there are so many people in the same situation. Sometimes you feel like you're all alone. I have been in my marriage for 10 years, and I haven't been happy for at least 6 years of the marriage. I am tired of being neglected because of sports. He is very active in our community, which I admire and respect him for, but it should not be at the cost of our marriage. I see him for about 30 minutes 4 nights out of the week. Then on Saturdays, basketball or soccer is the main priority. I am the primary caregiver for our son. He comes to me when he needs something, even when his dad is at home. He will walk right by his dad, because he/ we are so used to him not being around. <br />
I have confronted my husband about our problems. He only says "If that's how you feel, then just leave." He thinks I am making our relationship "conditional" by asking him to treat me like he did when we first married, before he got involved in sports. <br />
I have been weighing the good and bad of leaving. The only things that are keeping me here are: my son (I don't want him to go through what I did with my parents' divorce); my fear of being on my own (I'm afraid I can't do it. I've never been on my own!) and my respect for my husband- I still care enough about him that I don't want to hurt him....I think that covers everything :) did you hit it. My marriage seems at times like a bad lease situation. Our home is 4000 sq feet and I often find myself wishing he would just go downstairs to watch his TV so I could have some quiet. We have a beautiful son at home who graduates this year so I'm a little worried about how the situation will turn out when he is gone. I still love him? but I just so crave some intellectual conversation.....or attention. Maybe we should try a lease situation. He pays for the bottom half and I get the top:)

I have been divorce for 6 years now, and now I am dating a married man. I was very miserable and unhappy in my marriage. I married to young and was not ready for a committment. I toke on too much responsibilities, I loved him too much, and just was to good of a girl, he want something more sexier. I was pretty and the sex was active, but he was not content with one woman so it did not work. not only was he not happy neither was I so we called it quits. I took my daughter and we made some hard sacrifices and we made it. I am a much more happier, pleasant person to be around. I still have my career, I attend church, and I learned how to love myself. I hurt to bad, I could not continue to be someones elses punching bag.

Amen brother. I'm in the same (or similar) boat. Stuck in a 14 year old dead marriage. Only difference is, I'm out of love. Out of patience. Out of everything. Just. Fresh. Out.

That is exactly how I feel. I love my husband still, as a friend and a partner and I care deeply about his well being and happiness. I have however, after being pushed away and rejected for soo long, fallen out of love with him in the romantic, passionate sense. And the resentment is getting to be openly noticable. I have quit doing the little things I used to that were a show of making his lunch for work, making his coffee, buying his favorite snack at the store...the little things. Even recently, the kiss hello when he walks in the door from work...gone. And, it's me. I have quit those things out of resentment and just plain not caring. Something inside me very distinctly died recently, I just about can pin point the hour it happened. And my mind is a wreck. One minute I am pissy and the next I look at him and think, "but I can't hate him, he's my husband, the man I love". And all the while, screaming inside, "notice me. love me. want me."

It's amazing how much it helps to hear stories of others that suffer some of the exact same problems. Thanks to ALL of you for posting here. My marriage has been an unhappy one for anywhere from one to three years - depending on which one of us you ask. And the irony is that my 'respect' for her is what keeps me from leaving. It's wierd, but my absolute DREAM would be to answer the front door and be served with divorce papers. I just can't make the first move. I'm not sure why, because I think we're both miserable. We have no kids and in my own opinion, she just doesn't want to be by herself. We actually 'separated' for a couple of months but I still ended up spending most of that 2 months here - usually out of guilt. Not sure what's next...we both know that the marriage doesn't "work" (even as I write this, we are as far away from each other in a 3,500 square foot home than we could possibly be - and that's usually how we spend our time when we're both here). Tomorrow, my therapist is going to ask me (again) why I don't leave - and I never have an answer.<br />
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King, I obviously don't have any good advice - but I have a ton of empathy for your situation. People want a spouse that's a best friend, someone they can trust with anything without batting an eye. Unfortunately, some marriages turn into a bad roommate situation with a lease that is supposed to be forever.<br />
Again, thanks for posting and for the responses! It helps!!!

I know its very hard especially when children are involved.....i have been divorced from my 1st husband for 7yrs now, and he hasnt seen his kids at all in that time, nor does he send b/day or xmas cards or have any contact with was his choice not to see them....i told him i would never stop him having contact with them.....<br />
I myself chose to end the marriage as it was not going anywhere and he had some major issues of trust (amongst other things) which he pushed on me....i just got to a point where i could no longer function as a person in this situation, so chose to end it......BUT the guilt i carry for my children losing their father is still there....<br />
I am now in another marriage and although i do love my 2nd husband there are times where i feel trapped and not understood.....the connection between my children and my 2nd husband is not a brilliant one either and i often feel awkward about this and feel im piggy in the middle.....they are my kids, he is my husband.....<br />

king of pain:<br />
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I know how you are feeling. It's not easy but I agree why does it have to be so hard. I wish you there could be easy answers for all of us.

Thanks to both of you for your comments. DemiGodess, I have made it very clear to my wife about how I am feeling. It is very difficult to talk to her about anything without it being seen as a fight. So I wrote her a letter and asked if I could read it in one of her individual counseling sessions. The letter described in more detail my original post. I did not get a reaction from her at all, her therapist was amazed at how bad things have gotten between us. You are so right, no one said it would be easy, but why does it have to be so hard. That it from a Cold Play song.