My Breaking Heart

Thanks to both of you for your comments. DemiGodess, I have made it very clear to my wife about how I am feeling. It is very difficult to talk to her about anything without it being seen as a fight. So I wrote her a letter and asked if I could read it in one of her individual counseling sessions. The letter described in more detail my original post. I did not get a reaction from her at all, her therapist was amazed at how bad things have gotten between us. You are so right, no one said it would be easy, but why does it have to be so hard. That it from a Cold Play song.

king of pain:

I know how you are feeling. It's not easy but I agree why does it have to be so hard. I wish you there could be easy answers for all of us.

Wow! I really feel your pain in what you said.... I am having to make that same difficult decision. My husband stopped the physical love a year ago because he is married to EBAY and is on the computer, locked in his office from 6pm until 4am. I get up for work at 5:30 am and work until 6pm. I dont see him. He doesnt have time for me. I feel very rejected and hurt and I have begun to take this very personal....I resent him alot because of it. It sounds like you are feeling somewhat resentful as well towards your spouse. The thing is that we love our spouses alot, but I wonder if they will change their ways to accomodate us with the love that we need from them? That is where I am right now. I keep asking myself if I should leave the marriage or if he will one day finally "get it"........It drives me insane because I am so confused about it. May God give you the encouragement you need to help you make the decision on your marriage....

I know its very hard especially when children are involved.....i have been divorced from my 1st husband for 7yrs now, and he hasnt seen his kids at all in that time, nor does he send b/day or xmas cards or have any contact with them.....it was his choice not to see them....i told him i would never stop him having contact with them.....
I myself chose to end the marriage as it was not going anywhere and he had some major issues of trust (amongst other things) which he pushed on me....i just got to a point where i could no longer function as a person in this situation, so chose to end it......BUT the guilt i carry for my children losing their father is still there....
I am now in another marriage and although i do love my 2nd husband there are times where i feel trapped and not understood.....the connection between my children and my 2nd husband is not a brilliant one either and i often feel awkward about this and feel im piggy in the middle.....they are my kids, he is my husband.....
ANYWAY....i WISH YOU WELL IN WHAT EVER YOU DECIDE

It's amazing how much it helps to hear stories of others that suffer some of the exact same problems. Thanks to ALL of you for posting here. My marriage has been an unhappy one for anywhere from one to three years - depending on which one of us you ask. And the irony is that my 'respect' for her is what keeps me from leaving. It's wierd, but my absolute DREAM would be to answer the front door and be served with divorce papers. I just can't make the first move. I'm not sure why, because I think we're both miserable. We have no kids and in my own opinion, she just doesn't want to be by herself. We actually 'separated' for a couple of months but I still ended up spending most of that 2 months here - usually out of guilt. Not sure what's next...we both know that the marriage doesn't "work" (even as I write this, we are as far away from each other in a 3,500 square foot home than we could possibly be - and that's usually how we spend our time when we're both here). Tomorrow, my therapist is going to ask me (again) why I don't leave - and I never have an answer.

King, I obviously don't have any good advice - but I have a ton of empathy for your situation. People want a spouse that's a best friend, someone they can trust with anything without batting an eye. Unfortunately, some marriages turn into a bad roommate situation with a lease that is supposed to be forever.
Again, thanks for posting and for the responses! It helps!!!

That is exactly how I feel. I love my husband still, as a friend and a partner and I care deeply about his well being and happiness. I have however, after being pushed away and rejected for soo long, fallen out of love with him in the romantic, passionate sense. And the resentment is getting to be openly noticable. I have quit doing the little things I used to that were a show of affection...like making his lunch for work, making his coffee, buying his favorite snack at the store...the little things. Even recently, the kiss hello when he walks in the door from work...gone. And, it's me. I have quit those things out of resentment and just plain not caring. Something inside me very distinctly died recently, I just about can pin point the hour it happened. And my mind is a wreck. One minute I am pissy and the next I look at him and think, "but I can't hate him, he's my husband, the man I love". And all the while, screaming inside, "notice me. love me. want me."

Amen brother. I'm in the same (or similar) boat. Stuck in a 14 year old dead marriage. Only difference is, I'm out of love. Out of patience. Out of everything. Just. Fresh. Out.

I have been divorce for 6 years now, and now I am dating a married man. I was very miserable and unhappy in my marriage. I married to young and was not ready for a committment. I toke on too much responsibilities, I loved him too much, and just was to good of a girl, he want something more sexier. I was pretty and the sex was active, but he was not content with one woman so it did not work. not only was he not happy neither was I so we called it quits. I took my daughter and we made some hard sacrifices and we made it. I am a much more happier, pleasant person to be around. I still have my career, I attend church, and I learned how to love myself. I hurt to bad, I could not continue to be someones elses punching bag.

justpoint...wow did you hit it. My marriage seems at times like a bad lease situation. Our home is 4000 sq feet and I often find myself wishing he would just go downstairs to watch his TV so I could have some quiet. We have a beautiful son at home who graduates this year so I'm a little worried about how the situation will turn out when he is gone. I still love him? but I just so crave some intellectual conversation.....or attention. Maybe we should try a lease situation. He pays for the bottom half and I get the top:)

Wow! It really is amazing to see that there are so many people in the same situation. Sometimes you feel like you're all alone. I have been in my marriage for 10 years, and I haven't been happy for at least 6 years of the marriage. I am tired of being neglected because of sports. He is very active in our community, which I admire and respect him for, but it should not be at the cost of our marriage. I see him for about 30 minutes 4 nights out of the week. Then on Saturdays, basketball or soccer is the main priority. I am the primary caregiver for our son. He comes to me when he needs something, even when his dad is at home. He will walk right by his dad, because he/ we are so used to him not being around.
I have confronted my husband about our problems. He only says "If that's how you feel, then just leave." He thinks I am making our relationship "conditional" by asking him to treat me like he did when we first married, before he got involved in sports.
I have been weighing the good and bad of leaving. The only things that are keeping me here are: my son (I don't want him to go through what I did with my parents' divorce); my fear of being on my own (I'm afraid I can't do it. I've never been on my own!) and my respect for my husband- I still care enough about him that I don't want to hurt him....I think that covers everything :)