I Need to Decide If I Will Stay In My Marriage.

I  really don't know if I love my husband or not. I wonder if I am only in this marriage so that I do not have to be alone or for the health benefits. I do not have any type of intimacies of any type. He  got out of the military recently and is going to school in a different state. He comes to visit me once a month. He was in the military for twenty years so he has lifetime health benefits and since I have been married to him for fifteen of those years ( most of which I have been separated from him ) so that If I stay with him for five more years I can retain. Is it selfish of me to feel this way. He has been abusive during that time. He wants to start over. I don't know if I have the courage to actually leave him. He doesn't understand my health problems. I  suffer post Traumatic stress disorder ( from losing my son ), agoraphobia, severe depression and panic attacks.
syntechnik syntechnik
46-50, F
28 Responses Oct 21, 2007

If he is very abusive, than this would not help your depression and panic attacks it will only make it worse.. Seek help elsewhere because it sounds like he is a jerk. Sorry for your lost.

Good job! DontLet him control your last days with your parents. If u do u will resent him. Believe me! Good luck but it sounds like a loveless marriage. Get your benefits. You deserve it. But someone else can make u happier


Can you get a legal seperation and still get your health insurance benefits? Kick hubby out and keep the insurance. Just asking, I am in a similar situation.

He sounds very controlling! But your priorities are with your parents. He is rarely their for you anyway,so what the hell does he expect you to do! Unfortanetly "some" men feel that they have to take lead by controlling and are selfish. That is not love. But you did the right thing by standing up to him. Well, all I can say is if you need to stay with him for the benefits and it's for 5 more years, why not. But just realize he's not going to change and just as long as he doesn't beat you, it's ok. BE STRONG AND GOOD LUCK!

I too married a man in the military. He retired a few years ago and now travels. I stayed home with my children since he was always gone and we were never stationed near family. I feel like I have been a single mother for years. I never stood in the way of my husband’s career or anything he has wanted to do. He has also been very aware that it was my deepest desire to return to school and finally finish. He always promised me that he couldn’t wait for the day he retired and I could go back to school and that he would be there to help. Now he is home, on the average, 5 days a month. He took this latest job without even consulting me about it. We still do not live near family and I really can’t say that I’ve made any good friends since moving here 3 years ago. <br />
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To make matters worse, I can’t really say that I want him home any more than he is now. I have never felt respected by him, where as he demands the utmost of respect. I remember him coming home from work and talking about his day. I would engage him and ask questions. I would “act” interested even if I wasn’t because this was something important to him. When I thought it was my turn to talk about my day that consisted of changing diapers and cleaning up messes, I chose to mention some interesting show I had seen that day. To which he would respond, “Yeah, yeah, yeah… Like I really give a ****.” You see, he only wanted to hear about what interested him. He has said since that he didn’t see the big deal, because what he talked about interested me. And, of course, that he was talking about his job which is where the money came from. That is only the tip of the iceberg. I have had to deal with so much of his disrespect and cruel comments over the years. I have started back to school full time. I am in the top 10% of my class. I am also raising my children who have special needs and are on medication. I am doing this, basically, alone. Yet because the house is not clean or I disagree with an opinion, I get to listen to remarks dripping with sarcasm. When I am home I feel almost worthless at times. Oddly enough, when I am at school or anywhere else for that matter I feel like a strong, intelligent person. He apologizes, of course, again and again. It’s a vicious circle. He says something cruel. I get upset. He says that I shouldn’t be so mad; it isn’t like he says it all the time. I bring up that he just said it a few weeks ago. He says, there you go bringing up the past. Things will never get better if I can’t let go of the past. Translation: Just shut up and take it. <br />
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After 17 and a half years of marriage, we might have spent 9 of those years together. The rest I have been here alone, raising children, taking care of the finances, taking care of hanging shelves, fixing pipes and any other duty that he hasn’t been here for and always faithful. Now that I have added “full time student” to that list I told him I need there to be a change. He tells me I need to be patient. Apparently my 17 years of prior patients doesn’t count. I’m tired of waiting for my turn to start my life outside of the home. I’m tired of having to turn the other cheek when he says something cruel. I am not completely convinced that he won’t decide to leave me and I haven’t had a paycheck in 13 years. He has cut me off of the checking account before, twice, because I made him mad. I really don’t know what he would do if I did leave him. Or maybe he is just biding his time until he can leave me. I feel very lost and very lonely.

I don't know where to begin. It is difficullt to share my feelings especially because I have trust issues now. But here goes, I am also in a marriage that is cold! I feel absolutely no love. Of course, why should I! I thought the man I married would never betray me the way he did. We've been married for 11 years and 2 years ago he tells me, "he tried something with someone!" He couldn't even be specific about it. Anyway, then he sais, "one thing lead to another" and he ended up having a child! Then he has the audacity to say that because I had lost my baby, he didn't think I would ever have one............X&@$#%*! Men just come up with ignorant excuses.......I want to leave him too but because we have child, I don't want to hurt my baby and I can't afford a lawyer!

First of all, I feel odd commenting or giving advice since my life is pretty screwed up right now. <br />
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My comments here presume you want to work out your marriage and make it a happy one.<br />
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Don't make any major decsions while in the throes of depression! I've been there and have the brokeness to prove it.<br />
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I'd also like to say that I'm concerned about the abuse issue. If this is still a problem, then you need to take care of yourself and stay away from him. Your marriage should end. <br />
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You have a lot going on militating against the success of your marriage. I'm in my 2nd marriage, am having problems, but have learned one very important thing: Love isn't something you feel, it's something you do. Love is indeed a verb, not an emotion. Real love, therefore, always manifests itself in deeds and actions. I wish I would've come to understand this a lot sooner than i have.<br />
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You are loving your parents right now, as you should. You are not loving your husband. It is also seems that he wants that love (not talking about sex here). Keep in mind, this could change, he could file for divorce tomorrow.<br />
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If you want to give your marriage a chance, you're going to have to find a way to love him despite his immaturity, faults and past transgressions. In his own convoluted way, he is at least showing interest in you and in staying married.<br />
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How to do this? First of all you have to forgive him. (Nothing like an easy first step, right?)<br />
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Next my suggestion is that you love him even when you don't feel like it, and I'm not talking just talking about sex. Make him feel important. Make time for him, somehow. Call him to see how he's doing. Make him feel like he matters to you. Spend time with him whenever you can steal a few moments. What you may find is that doing so will lessen his insecureties and will bring out whatever those qualities were that caused you to marry him in the first place.<br />
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If you show you care about him, he may be more understanding about your situation and the choices you have made regarding your parents.

Since you have mental illnesses, which seem like they came from the life situation you have been living within. Being in the military is a problem itself, and I can relate to you needing to use his benefits. But have you two tried counseling and speaking to a psychiatrist. Are you on medication, do it seem like the medication is working for you. You should not still have these health issues if you are being properly treated. Try seeing another doctor if you have the same doctor, and is not receiving wellness. No one can suggest weither you should leave or stay only you can weigh out the pros and cons of your relationship. Do you want things to improve, than you must improve yourself, and see if you can stay away from the problem that is causing you so much grief..meaning him...

Stay with him for the medical benefits and get the help you need and counseling for the marriage.

Well,<br />
i'm a 52 year old male and quite honestly sick the way some people will just ignore love and hang on for personal gain of some type then leave when you get it.. i call this the lowest type of loser ..excuse me..user! i found myself in a situation with a woman after my wife died and have been used just like this. Its real sick to do this to any person. if your unhappy ..leave! why do think they owe you? you won't even spread your legs for him anymore! like sex is everything. Its not, but don't complain just leave. The woman I got involved with used me for all i could give or had. I now have nothing left, but my job and one house in Md. and one manufactured home here in Fl. It might sound like something, but not really as my respect for woman went with it...My point is hard to hear for some people..I'm sorry if it offends anyone here. i just don't understand why people want to use anyone at all especially if you know your not in love anymore!!!! Bruce

I have been down this road....<br />
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Do what is in your heart. Mean men are selfish.<br />
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He put you on hold for his job he loves..

Syntechnik,<br />
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Although I am a man my feelings hurt for you.<br />
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My wife went through the same as you, severe depression, severe panic attacks, claustrophobia and culture shock. These lasted for many years and it was extremely difficult on our relationship. Basically during these years there was no real relationship but I understood and stuck by her side through thick and thin.<br />
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When I said my wedding vows, I meant it,--"through sickness and health till death do us part". This is a vow to your spouse and to God and some people take it for granted and don’t realize the seriousness of this verbal contract.<br />
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I think that two people should only get married if they truly love each other to the point where they know that they would gladly uphold their vows to each other.<br />
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NO 1: <br />
If he is really IN LOVE with you, he would find a way to be with you as much as possible, even if he had to sacrifice something.<br />
I was a pilot and I was to be sent over 3000 miles away for special military flight training for one year without my wife, but I refused this opportunity so that I could be with her, especially since she has these health problems. I understand how important it was for her to have my shoulder to lie on during these troubled times.<br />
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No 2:<br />
It is true that your own family comes first but when certain circumstances arise, then a certain degree of compassion, understanding and respect has to be given. These people with whom you love brought you unto this earth which allowed him to be with you and if he truly loves you he would show some understand and not be selfish. If the situation was reversed, he would also want to go to help his parents, I am sure.<br />
I supported my wife going to see her mother while I stayed home to look after our disabled son which is a hard job for just one person.<br />
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No one has any idea what we had to go through during those years but was it worth it ??? YES because in the year 2000 she was cured of all her illnesses and is now back to the happier person I knew before.<br />
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We are happier now and we love each other like good friends but not IN love because we still have a few problems that we are trying to work around, like intimacy. No marriage is exactly perfect and some people can't seam to realize that problems will pop up from time to time, most of witch can be solved if they really tried before breaking up. This is a shame really.<br />
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No 3: Any man that abuses a woman does not deserve to be with that woman and as far as I am concerned, he could not love her and WILL DO IT AGAIN despite his apologies. Heed the WARNING and consider leaving him.<br />
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No 4:<br />
I know you don't want to hear this but at least 85% of all men, especially those in this type of position are sleeping with other women. Take it from me, I am a Man and I had years of experience of how married men live. You would not believe that SOME of the men and women, who you think are nice, are the very ones that engage in sleeping around. Beware.<br />
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No 5:<br />
This is very important, <br />
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I hope this helps you.<br />
Take care of yourself, bye.<br />
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The Looking One.

With your health problems you are in a precarious spot. Love, sex has little to do with the financial condition of your plight. My advice is to stick it out unless you wish to ultimately throw yourself into the Medicaid system. Welfare is far worse than living with a man who you despise., particularly since he is really not around all that much anyway.<br />
This is an easy choice I should think.<br />
Your marriage or lack of it is small potato as compared to what is going on ion your life right now.

Maybe the best option is trying a couples therapist. It might help the relationship and it might help you to decide if you want to stay in the relationship. I don't know if you're getting treatment for your pts disorder, depression or agoraphobia but if you are perhaps you could talk with your therapist about your relationship problems too. I hope it all works out for you. I too suffer from pts disorder and cronic depression and I know how much it can inhibit your views on the world and on your relationships.

Hello! Im new to this site. I just wanted to say sorry for what you are going threw. But the only way I have learned to find happiness is to first take care of yourself. Do everything for you to make yourself happy. Dont wait for somone else to do it for you. I have been married for 11 years . I just found out my hsband cheated on me. I though our marriage was almost perfect. But I was wrong. The sex is great, but I guess it was not enough for him..

My Mom had her stem cell transplant last March. Her cancer is in remission. She has been in and out of hospital several times since. She is in so much pain still from all of the damage that the cancer and the chemos and the radiation have done to her body. The Dr. made sure that we understand that it is not a cure but will give her one to two years. I am glad that I am here with my parents. My husband is almost done with school. He has a week and a half longer and then he is done. I still am getting the same old same old from him about being here but I am determined to be with Mom until the end. I know in my heart that I have made the right choice.

Its all about contol. i still dont understand it my damn self but i can relate. my grandmother has been in the hospital for weeks i went to see her like once or twice becuase he makes me feel so guilty for spending time with anyone other than him. this is the worst type of relationship to be in.

Well, my husband is in a different school . He is in a different state as well. He still hasn't changed his mind about my parents. It seems that he has issues with the fact that my parents have more money than his. My Dad is blind in one eye. His vision in his good eye isn't that great. He is on dialysis three times a week. He is diabetic as well. He works 40 hours a week regardless of all of his doctor appts. He does have a good job. He and my Mom have so many doctor and hospital bills. I just can't believe he is being so insane about all of this.

i know how you feel. It kills me that they really and truly expect us to chose. But that is what happens when we dont marry our compliment. someone who will understand, someone who thinks and feels like us. I would definitley be there for my mother. Thank goodness he is not there with you everyday. he can ***** and moan from a distance all he wants but he cant tie you down and keep you from going. Do what will make you sleep better at night because only you have to live with your deciscions. best of luck and well wishes to you.

He is giving me static because he says that I always put my family before him. What about his family? I told him now is not the time to start fighting with me. I have too much on my plate. He starts up whenever he sees me. I feel so frustrated!

I'm also in a marriage for the benefits....am retiring in 10 years, was a single mom and did not save for retirement. I have been married for 5 years,he's a government employee and I have to be married to him for 10 years to get all his retirement benefits - I'm 1/2 way there. After putting up with his crap, he owes this to me, and as soon as I start collecting.....I am leaving.

Thank you wildjeep, this is exactly how I feel. I love my Mom so much and I do want to be with her until the end.

syntechnik<br />
This that your going threw,I went threw this also when my mother had cancer and was dieing.I know what your going threw.You need to be with your parents.You need to be there for your mom at all costs!I said to myself if when my mother died did i want to live with the fact that i didnt try my best to help her and be there for her!I put my family,kids and everything behind my mother.Im glad i did because i know dont deep i did everything in the woorld i could to make earth a great place till she was gone!I now have no regrets!

Thank you Kenya. I will be moving in with my parents next month. My husband is in school in Houston as well. He doesn't understand that I NEED to be there with my Mom. I will be taking care of both her and my Step-dad. He told me that it is always about my family and what I want. I told him that he can either be supportive of this or he can decide not to be in this relationship. He is very angry that I have made my decision and am sticking to it.

Its a shame, and it is not fair that the man you love treats you unfairly, i am sorry to hear that you are in a unfulfilling marriage with a man who fail to realize that he have a sick wife. I truly emphasise with you and feel you pain. I hope things brighten up and he come to his senses.

I talked to my husband tonight and he was upset because since I am here in the same town I haven't stayed the night with him. My parents are both in such bad health that I chose to stay with them through the holidays. I return home Thursday. My husband is coming with me back to Shreveport for the weekend. My Mom has Multiple Myeloma (an incurable cancer) and my Dad goes to dialysis three days a week. Mom is not doing so well. She is in so much pain. She is about to go through stem cell transplant. It is a last resort to give her one to two years longer to live. Needless to say my thoughts are with them more than with my husband. He is being so nasty about my wanting to be near my Mom.

Syntechnik-I hear you! I think as we age---we change so much-we realize what we want, need, desire-the whole gamut! And once we "lose" that feeling for the spouse-it is almost impossible to get it back--you berated--have nasty comments made to you--then they think it's over-things should be back to normal or fine? Hello??? Doesn't work that way---my feelings are---don't say it if you don't mean it because once it's past your lips---you can't take it back! I believe there are allot of us in unfulflling relationships-more than we care to imagine! No---I know there are!

He came in this weekend and took me out to eat since Tuesday is my birthday. It was sweet of him but I didn't feel the same way as I once did. I have honestly been ill with kidney problems so I used it as an excuse for not reacting the way he wanted me to. I just don't know anymore if it is the depression or if I have changed so much. I know that he has put me through so much unessasary pain.