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First Step?

This is the first time I've seriously considered leaving my marriage. It's not that I don't love my husband, it's just that I'm not IN love with him. I don't think I ever was. We got married almost 8 years ago when we were both 20. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. I had my doubts from the beginning but my husband is a good person and I figured I could be happy living this life.

Fast forward 8 years and I have been living in a sexless marriage for the past 6 years. We don't do anything together and I find myself trying to come up with excuses for staying up late so we don't go to bed at the same time...excuses for staying late at work so I don't have to sit at home with him...I could go on and on. I still care for him, and he has never done anything to hurt me physically or emotionally. We don't even fight. But it's because we really don't care enough to I think. We are like roomates.

I think he could live this way forever. He is sheltered and seems fairly content to continue to live this way. But it's like I woke up a month ago and realized that I will never be happy in this relationship. I can be content...but I want more than that. I want happiness. I want to care enough to fight. I want to be excited to come home and spend time with my husband. I thought for a while that if things could go back to how they were when we were first married then it would be better. But honesty? Even that isn't enough. Back then we were more friends but I still don't think I was IN love with him.

I realize that we only have this one life. This one chance. In three years I'll be 30 and it will only get harder to start over as each year goes on. And yet I'm so scared. I'm scared of failing in my marriage. I'm scared of telling him that I'm this unhappy...I think it will kill him. I'm scared that I will never find anyone that I am crazy in love with and I would be better off with at least this roomate relationship that I currently have. At least I'm not alone now. I'm scared that I've wasted the past 8 years of my life if I leave. I'm scared that I'm getting too old and even if I do find someone eventually, it'll be too late to have my own kids and family. I'm scared that I'll never find happiness. I'm just...scared.

I don't know if I should try to fix the relationship that I'm currently in or just cut my losses and leave. I don't know how to leave if I decide to do that. I don't know how to have that conversation with my husband. I just feel so lost I don't even know where to start....

isthisreallyhappening isthisreallyhappening 26-30, F 6 Responses Jan 11, 2010

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Many times marriage comes before the desires and needs we want to share are recognized. <br />
Reach out and experience that part of love and sexual needs you truely feel is missing. Soon you will find the priorities you need to establish.

You are young. Only 8 years out of your parent's nest. I didn't get married until I was your current age. You are fortunate that you do not have kids to worry about. I would suggest marriage counseling, but it would be hard to capture something that was never there. While you could both learn to share everything, it is hard to learn when you don't have that "spark" to give you the "want to".<br />
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Sexless is also something that will be very difficult to overcome. It is one thing to learn to interact with the other person. But, if the hormones are not there to create the desire, then it will be tough. If the roles were reversed, then I could see how kindling romance could create desire in the woman. But, if a guy doesn't have the sexual drive, romance isn't going to cause his testosterone to kick in.<br />
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Change and the unknown are scary. Some people say that you need to learn to live alone before you can live with someone. Think of having your own place to live, and dating guys, as an adventure.

Look at it from the "other" perspective. You are being selfish. Staying with him when you really are not in love with him and don't want to have sex with him.<br />
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Not fair to him or you. If you leave him, at least he too has a chance to find real love. Don't rob him of that.<br />
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I wish you the best.

Hey my Dear..take it from someone who has stayed in a loveless, sexless relationship for more than 8 years and believe me...it IS killing me and it will do the same to you. No one can live without love, JMO, but, you sound like a loving soul and if you stay in there (6 years???) at your age, you will wither up and that is a pain I wish on NO one. Hey, I am not a professional but I have a lot of experience, believe me...you need to break this off and live while you can...as you said, you only get one live...SO, please, make the best of it...and find love...the magic will be there for you but you have to make the move. I could go on here with personal nightmare stories and that of friends of mine, both men and women...all along the same issues that you are having...if you need someone to talk to or write to,...I'm out here...bless ya and I hope you find the holy grail of love my dear...take care and keep strong...please!

Thank you for your advice!!! I know that I have to have this discussion with my husband and soon. I keep waiting because I need to figure out what I am really asking him for. The thing is, even if he does go to counseling and becomes the person that I married again...I just don't know if that's enough. I think even at his best, I simply am not in love with him and never was. I think that's why I'm so undecided. I need to figure out what I want before I can decide what action to take. Unfortunately I think I know what I want...I just don't want to admit it :-/

Hi there it sounds to me that you are in the greiving process..... the shock and denial....black and white thinking....trying to reason with yourself why you should stay!!!<br />
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i understand you very much. Ive been married twice and am getting divorced again at age 27..... I had to leave the first as he became a drug addict but my second marriage sounds similar to yours in that it was sexless and i felt like we were two ships in a wharf. Yeah the feeling of being in a roomate relationship can be really frustrating and i understand the worries and fears you have when your stuck in this situation. It's good your hubby does not physically or emotionally abuse you but.....sometimes and im not saying always...but sometimes..... we forget other types of abuse such as neglect...which can seriously affect one's wellbeing.<br />
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I feared that i would have to start again on my own with a little one year old girl..I felt i was abandoning her father and felt really guilty and bad....I left in december 08 and then let him back in june, july aug 09. I finally ended it with him about five weeks ago NOv 09 and i now dont feel really bad. It's scary. i have too failed marriages and a daughter to raise on my own.................................... but the reality is that im a strong women becasue many people stay in unhappy relationships for years and later regret it... I was strong enough to leave and put my self worth first.<br />
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I beleive i too fell in love with the idea of being in love and really i needed to learn to love myself....<br />
I am a little bit lonely but im going to focus on me for a while (secretly hoping to find someone else) and learn to put me first and value myself. Also i have learnt so much through such valuable experiences, I have become a better perosn and will be that much better when i do finally meet someone who is right for me.<br />
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Although divorce is not a good thing and in my religion it is not encouraged. I was able to see that my God doesnt want me to be miserable and he is understanding and loving therefore i feel it is okay to do it when im suffering so much......I worried what others might think but i know that "others" dont knwo teh true story or picture so they cant judge me..<br />
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As for your fears....I think we are both still young.....Many people find new partners at all ages...my x told me no one else could ever love me like him. This is simply not true. In saying this though divorce is the last resort for a irredeemable relationship...... I did try really hard...I tried to have counselling and do all i could do first....we separated and i hoped he might chnage but in end in my situation...he wouldnot change..and i had to make the decision to be happy on my own rather than miserable with him. <br />
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It is scary worrying about kids and age cos i too want a family. I am bessed to have a beautiful baby girl but i guess most of us dream to be happily married and have a strong family......BUt do you want kids to a man you may just end up leaving. I go to a support group for women who have left relationships. A lot of them are old and stayed in them for years...litearally. They hate themselves for not leaving 10...25...even 50 years ago and i thought i do not want ot be like them.....<br />
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good luck in your decision...it is hard and not easy...maybe try talking to your hbby or asking for counselling f he is not willing to do that then he doesnt love you enough. Counselling helps you either choose to stay or decide to end it.....well i hope i can use my experiences to help you<br />
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EBB