This is the first time I've seriously considered leaving my marriage. It's not that I don't love my husband, it's just that I'm not IN love with him. I don't think I ever was. We got married almost 8 years ago when we were both 20. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. I had my doubts from the beginning but my husband is a good person and I figured I could be happy living this life.
Fast forward 8 years and I have been living in a sexless marriage for the past 6 years. We don't do anything together and I find myself trying to come up with excuses for staying up late so we don't go to bed at the same time...excuses for staying late at work so I don't have to sit at home with him...I could go on and on. I still care for him, and he has never done anything to hurt me physically or emotionally. We don't even fight. But it's because we really don't care enough to I think. We are like roomates.
I think he could live this way forever. He is sheltered and seems fairly content to continue to live this way. But it's like I woke up a month ago and realized that I will never be happy in this relationship. I can be content...but I want more than that. I want happiness. I want to care enough to fight. I want to be excited to come home and spend time with my husband. I thought for a while that if things could go back to how they were when we were first married then it would be better. But honesty? Even that isn't enough. Back then we were more friends but I still don't think I was IN love with him.
I realize that we only have this one life. This one chance. In three years I'll be 30 and it will only get harder to start over as each year goes on. And yet I'm so scared. I'm scared of failing in my marriage. I'm scared of telling him that I'm this unhappy...I think it will kill him. I'm scared that I will never find anyone that I am crazy in love with and I would be better off with at least this roomate relationship that I currently have. At least I'm not alone now. I'm scared that I've wasted the past 8 years of my life if I leave. I'm scared that I'm getting too old and even if I do find someone eventually, it'll be too late to have my own kids and family. I'm scared that I'll never find happiness. I'm just...scared.
I don't know if I should try to fix the relationship that I'm currently in or just cut my losses and leave. I don't know how to leave if I decide to do that. I don't know how to have that conversation with my husband. I just feel so lost I don't even know where to start....