Why I Pulled The Trigger

15 months ago, I wanted so many things (control, sensuality, joy) in my life again.  I thought about having an affair because women knew that I was a good person in a bad marriage and the offers were there but in the end I felt that leaving the marriage first was the best idea all the way around.  Still upon exit I was branded as the adulterer, a drunk, a lazy bum (Who BTW was the sole breadwinner the entire marriage) and whatever my ex wants to call me.  I really don't care about that since I didn't walk away for public opinion points but the truth is I spent 13 years in a marriage where I damn near killed myself to meet her needs physically, financially, domestically and sexually.  She never tried to meet mine until the day I said we were through and even then it wasn't real because she was doing it in hopes I'd stay not that she wanted my touch again.  Leaving to me is far more honest.  It allows us all to live life without a doubt. The love is not there so why would I want to keep her in the hook wondering?  No need to sneak around when you are separated.  She and I can concentrate on building our lives back.

GoodMan67 GoodMan67
41-45, M
7 Responses Feb 16, 2010

I too believe you did the right thing by leaving. Letting the kids see you fight all the time just makes the kids not to want to be around you both. I would rather have 2 loving single parents then 2 parents that were together always fighting and not loving each other. Kids learn by your actions and they way they teach them. Teach them right that loving someone is a good thing. Explain to them you still love them and are not leaving your kids. They are you life no matter if they live with you or their mom. When you say i'll be there to pick you up make sure your there, broken promises only hurt kids even more. Following through with what ever you tell your kids will only make your bond even stronger. Make sure you have fun times out and time alone just you and the kids at your appartment or where ever you maybe living. Don't bring in other people you may be dating for a good while till your kids are stable again. Remember they are also involved no matter what happens it also affects them deeply. Let them tell you how they are feeling or listen in on them talking you will find out alot if you listen. <br />
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I wish you luck and happiness in your new life. May love find you and make you happy again inside and out. Oh and congrats on all the weight loss, 80 lbs is wonderful.

Walking away is so hard. It was the hardet thing I've ever endured in my life. It took every ounce of strength in me to do it, but I did. I had to before I completely lost what little was left of me. I know that I am in a better place now, and I hope that someday my ex can be, too.<br />
Listen to that voice in your head. If you are confident that you are being totally honest with yourelf, then it will guide you to the right decision.<br />
Best to you.

I do have children and it is difficult. But if you already feel that this woman will drain the life out of you then you may have found your choice. Stay and be drained or end the chapter and move on. <br />
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My children were the hardest portion of my decision. Every few months mom would threaten to leave and break up the family. I was actually going to break the family. But I had to weigh out the pain of this with the idea that <br />
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1. These children were watching mom and dad argue everyday. What were they learning. <br />
2. There's a good chance they won't find someone as patient as I think I am. If they learn from mom that the way to keep a man is to manipulate him then the odds are they might find a guy who might hit them. <br />
3. I was dying. The man I saw in the mirror in December 2008 was a shell of who I was before. <br />
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When I filed I had deliberated for about six months before whether or not it would be better for me to stay and try to solve it again or to move on. And for me, I chose to move on.<br />
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I would say this donjehavon. If you want to save it, get counseling now. Put your issues on the table in black and white invite her to put hers down and try to solve them. If it works, then you will have the marriage you want. If it doesn't you have been given your reason to move on and it will be clear to you and her.<br />
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Good luck, man.

I think that you are brave. Hopefully you don't have children that makes it all the more difficult. If she not doing what she can leaving her is the best thing you can do. I need to do the same thing. Unfortunately I have a child. She has a child by a previous relationship, and that child is the one of reason our marriage isn't working. She values her children over our marriage. Maybe that sounds good in theory but in practice it allows the kids to divide the parents. She is emotional bully, a user, and a great many other things. But it is good you left women like that can literally steal your soul. Could I have remained faithful? I don't think so not when you can't be loved.

While I understand your comments, I feel that we gave it as long a run as we could. We did counseling a couple of times in the marriage, once with an LCSW, once with our church. Things improved for about six months or so then they'd slip back to where they were when I filed. As long as the problem was my problem we could do counseling. We actually quit going to a counselor because he told her, "Your husband has done everything he can. You need to compromise on ..." It reached a point where I could not even exercise for fear that I might go cheat. I never cheated. And in spite all the proof I could show her, I was under suspicion with anyone. This whole conversation in my ex's eyes would be proof of an affair even though I have done nothing even remotely to acknowledge you in other than a conversational way. So we reached a point where I could not do it anymore and while I want her to be able to move on, any contact from me she construes as an overture to reconcile, which I cannot do. Since I have moved on, I lost 80 lbs. My job performance has improved and I'm getting back into my passion of writing. And even if I remain single for the rest of my life, I feel that in many ways that removing myself from that saved my life. Thanks for your input.

Sorry to hear what you're going through! It's nice to hear another person being faithful eventhough their partner is doing whatever. I know what it feels like all to well because I'm the faithful also. Anyway, it is difficult to want to even try to fix things especially after so long. You can only take so much.....I understand. Have you considered maybe couples therapy as a last resort. And if that doesn't work then do what you have to do! I don't like telling anyone to just give up and throw everything away unless it is an abusive marriage, then that should end soon. Nothing is ever perfect but it can almost be when both people work at it. I know you are hurting but just try the therapy alone first then together. Good luck!

First, let me commend you for being faithful. Not many can say that truthfully. But, after that it gets fuzzy. Did you ever ask her why she did the things she did? Perhaps she felt inferior to you, and it came out as resentment which festers and rots love. It may be too late, but will she discuss your marriage with you calmly? If so, it's the first step to building a bridge towards understanding one another, or even reconcilliation. If not, then it's probably best to be separrated for now. Also, you sound quite resentful..try to look at the last 13 years as a learning experience..learn from the bad, but also the good! It must've been good sometime, otherwise wouldn't you have parted long ago? Whatever you do, if you've ever truly loved this woman, please try to help her in some way. She's hurting too. And being the nice guy you sound like, you probably know it the right thing to do. To many ppl in this world take the easy way out, but it takes a strong person to rise above the sheep mentality and WORK at your problems, instead of running away from them. Please don't think I'm judging you,, I'm not, it's just that I undersand what you're going through, and from the other side of the fence(I'm a woman)I've gone through similar things, in reverse. Been working on my own marriage for a few years now, and while it isn't perfect, it is a lot better than it was. Good luck to you both.