To Stay Or Not To Stay...

Shakespear had it wrong, the question isn't "to be, or not to be" it is "to stay or not to stay"... Now THAT's the question.

My story...

Met my love 8 years ago, fell in love, dated 4 years. She has a physical disability, mostly affecting her legs. She uses crutches and/or wheelchairs to move about. She's intelligent, with 3 college degrees. We decided to wait till marriage to have intercourse, but had an otherwise healthy "sex life" while dating. Lived together for 2 years, then had our dream wedding in Hawai'i. But as soon as the wedding ring hit her finger, the faucet started to turn off. Instead of 'intimate time' once a week, it became less and less frequent. 4 years later and we are lucky to have sex 3 times a year. Other issues developed as well, online shopping addiction ($1000/month during one year), her social phobia got worse (to the point now where she doesn't leave the house except to go to work), OCD (horder), ADD, and did I mention a libido that dropped to zero? Before someone inquires, let me say that her disability has nothing to do with her ability to have sex (though it does restrict the list of positions available). When I first met her, I knew she had some "quirks", but those quirks have grown exponentially into full blown disorders. She's on medication for them, and none should affect her desire levels. She says she wants to make love, just keeps "putting it off"...

I'm a romantic guy, the bring flowers home for no reasons type, cuddle, light the candles, the whole 9 yards. I've tried to get her into counselling (won't go). Make no mistake, I love her just as much today as I did when we got married, but simply don't think I can take much more. To be honest I've been considering having an affair to replace the intimacy that I can't get at home. If we touch, it is because I touch her. She hasn't touched me in months. She keeps saying, "let's make love tomorrow night"... but tomorrow night never arrives (always an excuse).

We've talked about it, but most often she doesn't recognize that she has a problem.

I'm torn between being faithful, but having to leave the marriage because I can't take it anymore; or to have an affair if that will allow me to stay a bit longer to continue trying to get her the help she needs. I come from a disfunctional family, every immediate relative has divorced (at least once), I was the one who was going to be different. Her family is the best, think "Leave it to Beaver" best. They have all but adopted me and I would hate to lose them; but at 39 (she's 41) not sure how much longer I can stay. Obviously a no win situation. Financially, a divorce would ruin me. Thanks to her shopping addiction, I am in debt to my eyeballs.

When the current apt lease comes due, thinking of filing for separation so at least her spending can't reflect on me any longer... if I can make it that long (9 months).

Her family thinks I'm a saint for being with her (though they don't know the full extent of her problems), don't feel much like a saint though...

TaintedSaint TaintedSaint
36-40, M
2 Responses Feb 21, 2010

She sounds like she is a real mess, with the addictions and not wanting help what are you left to do. Do yourself a big favor tell her parents first before you leave. Dont have that affair or fling or anything it maybe called today. Do the right thing for the right reasons when getting out. Get yourself appartment before you file for divorce or even bankruptcy. Get yourself also a lawyer to draw something up right now that you will not be responsible from this date on for any bills she will aquire. Saving you more financial worries later down the line. <br />
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I hope things work out for you I know its tough specially when you still care about that person.

IT IS FUNNY WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT THE SHAKESPEAR QUESTION!!!!! IN THIS CASE IT IS TRUE THOUGH.........I FEEL THE SAME WAY, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR PART TRYING TO KEEP SANE AND FAITHFUL AND EVEN TRYING TO WORK IT OUT BY GOING TO THERAPY WITH HER. JUST LIKE I AM DOING, I KNOW THAT FEELING INSIDE THAT YOU MUST BE EXPERIENCING. AS MUCH AS WE LOVE THE PERSON IT IS DIFFICULT TO JUST KEEP IT ALL IN AND NOT SAY OR DO ANYTHING ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE NOT RESPONDING TO YOU. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO!<br />
I THINK HER PROBLEM THOUGH GOES BEYOND THE RELATIONSHIP, MEANING THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY BOTHERING HER AND SHE IS HIDING IT BY DOING ALL THESE THINGS, SHE DOES NEED HELP AND IF SHE DOESN'T GET IT SOON IT WILL GET WORSE EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY AND FINANCIALLY!!<br />
FOR YOU HONEY I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU TO HAVE AN AFFAIR AS MUCH AS YOU NEED THAT LOVE, I AM LONELY TOO BUT BECAUSE I HAVE A CHILD TO TAKE CARE OF AND LOVE I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO RUIN THAT.<br />
IT IS UP TO YOU THOUGH, JUST DON'T LET IT GET TOO OUT OF HAND AND MAKE YOUR LIFE EVEN WORSE. YOU HAVE ENOUGH GOING ON! ANYWAY, GOOD LUCK AND KEEP SAFE, TAKE CARE.