A Journey Begins
I am a 40 something male and I dont know if this is what is typically called a "mid-life crisis" but over the last year or so I have found myself wondering what I have been doing with my life. I am happily married and have 2 beautiful healthy children whom I love more than life itself. I have spent the last 20 years of my life mostly living to please my wife and children. My desires seem to be secondary and that which I never seem to have time to get around to. I dont really know who I am. I do want to discover me but have many fears about doing so. What if who I am does not want this life? what if my wife doesn't like who I am? What if I dont like her? What if the direction I want to take does not fit with my current life? During this last year I have done a bit of soul searching to understand where these thoughts are coming from and ran into somewhat of a road block. As I try to discover what I really want to experience in life those experiences seem to conflict with what my children and wife would want me to do. Example: I would move anywhere in the world to follow a new career path but my wife will not leave this house and move to another part of the same city. This causes an immediate conflict. I love her but change is not what she wants. In addition to this I feel very selfish for wanting personal happiness. I feel as though everyone wants me to take care of all of my family's needs first and if there is time for me then I can have some "me" time. I personally beleive that change is a must. For one to grow there must be change and I feel my family is very important and deserve everything they want. Perhaps it is all just a pie in the sky idea. At this point it seems I must continue to sacrifice my dreams and desires for my family and should I survive to retirement maybe then I will be able to discover myself. Anyway, self discovery has many potential consequences, many very good but some maybe not so much. I am concerned that I will never find true happiness and self discovery until I find a way to face these fears and accept the future overcoming them delivers.