YesterdayI feel the words bubbling up & fusing together to form the threads of what would be my final rebuttal. They are as yet just out of reach, my mind still calculating the losses from this most resent interruption. At present only emotion is at the fore -disappointment, frustration & an immense sadness.
Taking deep even breaths I remind myself that your feelings are as valid & should be given their due respect.
I roll my head from side to side in a bid to loosen the tense muscles of my neck.
A workmate brings me tea. It's blueberry, my favourite. I thank her with a smile & hug the porcelain cup in my palms. The warmth feels good. I am cold today.
We sit quietly. The only sound her chewing her pencil as she glares down at a crossword puzzle.
In my minds eye I see myself rising to my feet & letting out a wild & mournful cry as I lift my chair & send it barreling through the window to splinter in the courtyard below.
A noise, half laugh half sigh escapes my lips. My companion looks up inquisitively.
"it's nothing" I say "Just a thought " "Can I help?"
"three down" she says "Entice. Seven letters. The third letter is G."
"beguile" I reply.
We drift back into silence.
I unwrap the sandwich I had prepared. Looking at it for a few moments unsure. My stomach lurches but I ought to try.
I have never been able to eat when I'm upset. It's the one telltale sign. The one thing I cannot hide.
I take a bite. A shudder runs through me. I can't do it. Wrapping the sandwich back up, I throw it in the bin, taking a drink of tea the wash the taste away. It's been two days since I've eaten. It could be two more. Or longer, who knows.
I lean back in my chair & close my eyes.