Looking For A Reason To LiveAs the title suggests, that is what has been on my mind lately. Why you ask? well...it's something I've been dealing with for about the majority of my life, though in the last few years it's steadily worsened with time. You see, I'm so tired of this world we live in. There is far too much negativity: death, war, disease, hate, destruction, immorality, and the list just goes on and on. I'm not saying that there is nothing good in this world but the way I see it the negative aspects far outweigh the positive aspects. If you were to place yourself in my life you'd probably say that I have so little to complain about and plenty to be thankful for. If you did say that you'd be correct. I do have plenty to be thankful for and little to complain about. I have a wonderful family and friends; however, the depression and apathy I've been experiencing have been gradually increasing in intensity.
This apathy is possibly the worst struggle I've had to deal with to date. Many people would be likely to disagree. But if you've dealt with it, then you'd understand how much of a battle it is. The apathy in my life is like a plague, a spreading disease. It's infected almost every area of my life. Within the last year alone I've almost entirely stopped caring about school, grades, career plans, having a social life, and just about people in general. I used to be excited about my career opportunities but that excitement has diminished with time and now I don't even know what I'm doing. I feel like I DO NOTHING AT ALL! It makes me want to hide my face from anyone I come into contact with because I feel like they're going to ask me about what I want to do with my life and what I value. But that's just it. There's so little I value these days. I wish I was more involved in some areas of life but to put things simply, I just don't care enough. That's pretty much become my life motto: I JUST DON'T CARE. I wish things were different, but I just can't escape my apathy or depression.
I could escape more easily if I could grasp some sort of happiness, yet this happiness is far too evasive. This is why I wish i could go back in time to the days of my youth and experience being a kid again. it's as though the only way I can even come close to finding happiness is by remembering what it was like when i was a kid - when happiness was almost too easy to grasp. Those days were so much brighter. I used to actually become excited over things, but now it's as though this happiness is practically nowhere to be found. When I woke up in the morning I'd be excited at the thought of a new day, and now when I wake up I think "Dang it...another freakin day..." This is why I never wanted to grow up. Back then, I didn't have a care in the world except which Pokemon cards to trade or which cards to put in my Yugioh deck. Nowadays, everything is all "What are you doing to prepare for your career??" "Do you have a career plan B??" "You should know more about the schools you're applying to!" "You need to be more responsible about this!" and I HATE ALL of these phrases!! It's like someone's recorded all of this and plays it all on repeat!
People who know me probably think I'm just simply lazy, but they have no idea what sorts of thoughts i have to deal with on a daily basis. They couldn't understand that I can't find a reason why I want to live. They can't comprehend that I am simply surviving. I don't tell anyone I know how I feel because I honestly don't trust the people i know enough. It's gotten to the point that If someone does not understand me or if they have not experienced what I am currently experiencing, then I don't even want to hear what they have to say.I don't want to hear the "Oh, cheer up!" or "Oh, things will get better." and I don't want to hear "Happiness isn't about the destination, it's about the journey." I don't want to worry my family or friends. i don't want them to think that I'm suicidal or anything THAT extreme. So to assist this I just wear my mask, not to be completely fake but to hide the intensity of what I feel. I pretend to be interested in my career, i pretend to care about school, and I pretend to smile. But it's all a facade. Underneath, the real me - the last glimmer of light that holds what's left of the happiness i once had is slowly deteriorating. I'm afraid that eventually, it will be lost under a twisted shell of depression, apathy, anger, and frustration.
I just want all of this to end. I feel so trapped in this world. I wish the world would end, but I'm not referring to a catastrophic or cataclysmic end at the end of 2012. Though I like to consider myself more spiritual than religious, I'm a Christian. I believe that Jesus' return is close but in my opinion it's not close enough. I feel like He's taking too long and has allowed the existence of this world to drag on for too long and it is for this reason that i am facing this depression and apathy. I practically HATE this world but life JUST DRAGS ON! I HATE IT!! I want to just disappear! I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either - not in this world...